As you may know, last week, Abercrombie and Fitch clothing company has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” from the Jersey Shore TV show a fee to NOT wear their clothes!! True or not, it’s BRILLIANT marketing, especially the fact that “Mike the Sit” now thinks he can sue Abercrombie and Fitch which makes even more PR for the clothes. Click the photo below for the full story.
The good news is, because Mike “The Situation” has acted so much like a douche, Masengill has asked him to change his name to Mike “The Douche.” My information tells me he is seriously considering it because, in HIS terms, (in a Jersey accent) “I know where you put a douche so that’s cool with me!” Rumor has it that Mike “The Situation” has almost been convinced to change his name to Hans Brinker because someone told him that guy was famous for putting his finger in DIKES.. yeah, he confused “dikes” with “dykes.”
Here’s a Little Johnny joke about, well, you’ll see:
The First Grade teacher gave the class a difficult homework assignment and told them that they had to stay in class and do all of the work. The class was disappointed about missing recess, to say the least.
In reaction to the assignment, the teacher overheard heard little Johnny say very softly, “Damn!” The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”
Little Johnny looked at the teacher and said, “Not even when things are all SOAPWORD up ?!”
Now THAT’S a pretty funny joke, I have to admit but, here’s the REAL story (that’s why I write this blog.) Gary Hardballs and I were in class and Gary let out one of those “I know I didn’t eat anything that smelled like that” farts. HORRIBLE!! The first thing that popped out of my mouth was, “DAMN!”
It was automatic because, every time my grandma would pass gas, my grandpap would say, “DAMN, girl!” And then, if he realized I had heard him, he would say, “DAMN, D-A-M-N, that’s the word I was trying to think of for my crossword puzzle this morning!”
So, as the teacher approached me about what I said, I used a page from my grandpap’s book. I said, “DAMN, D-A-M-N! Gary, you won ANOTHER game of Hangman!!” Well, Gary thought it was sooooo funny that he laughed out loud (before the days of L.O.L). He laughed so hard that he farted again! At that point the teacher said, “Ok, well I am glad that your game is over. Now whomever of you it was that SHIT themselves, please take the hall pass and go clean yourself off!”
Gary ended up with 2 days of detention for acting like a “barnyard animal” in class! Thanks for the wisdom gramps!
Katie’s grandpa died so she went to visit her 95-year-old grandma. Grandma tells her “He had a heart attack while we were making love Sunday morning.”
Katie: “At your age sex sounds risky!”
Grandma: “We figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would ring. It was just the right rhythm… And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along he’d still be alive today!”
Ok, so the Kate + 8 show has been cancelled. Poor Kate is going to have to take all of that plastic surgery that turned her from average looking mom of eight kids to a plastic-filled model mom.
Looks like she will have to use those fake boobs, lips and tucks to go back and be a nurse in some hospital and try to latch herself on to an up-and-coming neurosurgeon or cardiologist. Of course, a peditrician is probably a better choice but they don’t make the kind of money that a surgeon makes.
Well, she’ll have to be a nurse, at least, until her kids are old enough to find drugs and alchol for a few years and then need rehab. THEN, she will be able to sell their rights to another TV show!!! Who wouldn’t want to watch “Kate and 12 Steps of Rehab Times 8!”
In the meantime, old Kate is gonna be SOAPWORD-outta-luck now that she has to put on her own makeup!! Here’s a Little Johnny joke about gettin’ pretty:
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.
“Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.
A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”
Here’s a story about Durty Kurty that IS true! Durty Kurty and Paul Cusick were sneaking around Paul’s mom’s makeup drawer – trying to see what all the big deal was about. Durty Kurty dared Paul to put on some eye-liner and he did it. Paul then dared Durty Kurty to put on some lip gloss and he did it. Durty Kurty then dared Paul to put some rouge on his cheeks. He did it and then dared Durty Kurty to use the eye-lash thickener and he did it.
They went back and forth getting to the point where Durty Kurty took of his shirt and put on a bra and Paul had his pants off putting on his mom’s panty hose. By the way, they were both 14 at the time.
Well, it just so happens that Paul’s dad came home from work early and walked in on them. He looked at them with complete HORROR — even more than the horror on THEIR faces!!!
Paul’s dad asked, “What ARE you doing? Durty Kurty and Paul looked at him – took a breath and, Durty Kurty, never at a loss for words under pressure said, “We wanted to disguise ourselves from the police because we just robbed a bank, beat up an old man and stole a car and wrecked it into a police car.” Paul’s dad said, “O thank God!”
As my son, “Little-er Johnny” who is ALSO now all-grown-up, gets ready to head off to his freshman year of college, reading the Top Party School Report is quite disturbing. Will his $175 book be a learning tool or a forehead pillow as he’s passed out in class? Will the food swipe card be how he replenished nutrients of his tired, studied-so-hard body or will it be his late-night-after-drinking MUNCHIE bank? Will he remember what soap and a haircut and a razor is?
From my perspective, I was disappointed that my alma mater was NOT listed on the party list. I can testify that it was #1 when I was there. For 18 loooooooooooooong months I worked on my MBA day and night at Kaplan ON-LINE University. From my perspective, this was the #1 party school because I am pretty sure that I drank EVERY NIGHT working on my papers and interacting with my class mates in chat rooms. It was no different than regularl college – I sat around in my underwear, scrathing myself as needed with a cold something or other to drink.
The Kaplan fraternity parties sucked however..they were just chat rooms where we posted pictures of ourselves in togas holding a beer. My kids were perplexed that nights we had parties. They couldn’t understand why I was in front of my laptop in a toga and spilling beer on my own head. Mrs. Little Johnny was peeved when I peed in the front yard in the middle of the night.
One thing I know is that ”Little-er Johnny” is gonna get an education on his Greyhound Bus ride back and forth to school – how the other half lives as one might say. Hmmmmm. Just hope he doesn’t meet his future wife on that bus! In the meantime, here’s a story about Little Johnny on a bus ride.
Little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
Little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’
Little Johnny replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’
Little Johnny said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way! ‘The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.
Little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”
Well, there are LOTS of anecdotes as to why priests should wear condoms but the story above is NOT what really happened. The REAL story is, me and Dirty Kurty were on a bus going to a summer church camp. It was the first time we had been on a big tour bus – we were in our teens and devious. We sat next to the priest on the bus cuz he was in charge of assigning the dorms and we always wanted the one CLOSEST TO THE CAFETERIA so we could sneak over to break into the camp fridges for midnight snacks.
Well, we over indulged one night. The next day we headed home on the bus and, you know from the previous Dirty Kurty posts, he suffered from irritable bowel issues. As soon as the bus started for home, the priest addressed everyone about there being a break-in at the camp cafeteria. The tension of potentially being caught mixed with the late night snacks put Dirty Kurty’s bowels in HIGH GEAR! He started releasing silent-but-deadlies!
The bus started to smell and the priest looked at Sally, who was sitting behind Dirty Kurty and said, “Sally, get over here right NOW and sit next to me!” Dirty Kurty and I thought, “uhhhh he blamed Sally for the gas!”
Dirty Kurty’s issues continued and the priest broke his speech again and yelled at Milktoast Dave, who was sitting across the aisle from Dirty Kurty, and said, “David, get over here right NOW!!!” and he made David sit near Sally. Again we thought PERFECT!!! The priest think Dave and Sally are farting!
As Dirty Kurty continued to let out stinky sliders, the priest finally yelled, “OK EVERYONE move away from Kurt because if he is actually CRAPPING himself, I don’t want you to get any on your shoes!!!”
See ya Tuesday for a mini-post… make sure you email this to your friends!
Today’s Little Johnny Joke from the Beer Army website.
When the debt crisis is solved, does that mean we can go back to writing checks just because we still have checks left in our checkbook?
It’s the Little Johnny Blog’s birthday, 1-year-old!
I was going to have TLC’s Buddy the Cake Boss – owner of Carlo’s Bakery and one of the most irritating, squeaky, whiney New York accents since Fran Drescher – make our cake and have a huge party. However, I was afraid that, in his research on cake designs, he would take the Little Johnny jokes too literal and design some time of cake showing “the comedian with the two black balls” or make a design of my parents having sex out of fondant. Then again, a cake of my 4th grade teacher, whose sweater kittens were so big she could only fasten eight (FASCINATE) of her buttons, wouldn’t be so bad!
Either way, big things are going on and I have some answers. The current U.S. Budget debate has brought about GREAT potential for headlines – IF, and only IF, you free yourself to take the literary license of changing the pronunciation of Speaker John Boehner (currently pronounced BAY-nor) to BONER! Just imagine:
Senator Reid Steps All Over Boehner
Reid Slams Boehner In Front of Full Senate
Boehner Plan Has Great Staying Power
Reid Pulls Boehner Asside for Stroking Before Vote
Reid Attacks Boehner for Being In His Way
Reid Gets Boehner on Sunday Morning Talk Show
In the words of some old-time Jewish comedy writer from the Catskills, “I got a MILLION of ‘em!”
And about this debt crisis thingy, these politicians are making this WAAAAY too hard. If you’ve ever been in a sticky situation where you need more credit, you know what to do.
You can talk to anyone of the very friendly but barely understandable Indian people named Nelson, Carl, Kitty or Alice. Just simply ask to have your credit line increased. Crying is sometimes necessary but, within 15 minutes, they will be given authorization by their supervisor, Joseph, to increase your spending ability!
Either way, we’re all hangin’ it out there together!! And here’s a Little Johnny Joke about a similar topic
One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.
The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?”
Then, Johnny said, “It hurts down there.”
“Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home,” said the teacher.
A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.
Then the teacher came to the back of the room again and Johnny had his wiener hanging out of his pants.
The teacher said, “Johnny, what’s that doing hanging out of your pants?!”
Then Johnny said, “My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she’ll come and pick me up.”
As you know from reading this blog for the last 12 months, this story is CLOSE but not true. Here’s a REAL story:
One Friday during college, Dirty Kurty realized that he didn’t have any drinking money for the weekend. So, while sitting in the back of our 2-hour long summer Cost Accounting class, Dirty Kurty made us a bet. He had to pee and we still had an hour of class to go. His bet, if he urinated into his empty Gatorade bottle DURING CLASS, each the three of us would give him $5. Yeah, beer was cheap back then.
We agreed and Dirty Kurty PEED! Right there while the professor was reading aloud from the text-book, calling on people randomly, Dirty Kurty peed into the bottle. You could hear the pee hitting the bottom of the bottle. We all started cracking up which made Dirty Kurty start laughing and, each time he laughed his pee would squirt, stop, squirt, stop - sounded like someone was milking a cow into a bucket!
He filled the bottle, put the lid on it and placed it on the empty desktop next to him. For the rest of the final our of class, we stared at that bottle in amazement – that nobody else knew what had occurred. With about 15 minutes to go, we started to get wiffs of pungent urine. (Yep, sour puke in my throat when I think of it.)
We paid our debt to Dirty Kurty and, to this day, NONE OF US can drink Lemon-Lime flavored Gatorade! Also, don’t know if anyone in the NEXT CLASS felt lucky for “finding a free full bottle of Gatorade!”
Thanks for reading the blog for the last 12 months. Please encourage your friends to get on the mailing list.
COMMENT BELOW – what would be YOUR fav headline about Reid and Boehner??
Next Friday, July 29th, we will be celebrating the 1 year Birthday of the Little Johnny (All Grown Up) Blog.
So, while I am taking the time to create something FABULOUS for next Friday, here is the ULTIMATE Little Johnny Rewind! My very first post!
Little Johnny and Bill Clinton, Click HERE!
In my mind, the ultimate “toilet dilemma” is:
You are on the toilet dumping yesterday’s Middle Eastern food with an incredibly stuffy nose. Do you blow your nose and then smell yer own poo or do you hold off until after you have wiped your butt and flushed – thus blowing your nose with SOILED hands?
The other day I had a nice breakfast with the boyz. Unfortunately, breakfast has a tendency to flare up the ol’ irritable bowel situation.
So there I was, 3o minutes after eating eggs, bacon and italian toast and the intestinal bubbling began. I determined the closest APPROPRIATE public bathroom facility (cuz I just can’t go anywhere). So I duck on to an elevator to take me to the secret workplace pooping bathroom. The bathroom that is used very little and has the lowest chance that someone will walk in on me.
That’s where I experienced, THE LONGEST ELEVATOR RIDE EVER!!! The elevator goes between 3 floors and I swear my iphone calendar flipped two calendar dates going from floor 1 to floor 3 where the secret bathroom resides. Luckily, I made it just in time, and THEN, I had time to think what would REALLY be the “The Longest Elevator Ride Ever?”
1) current topic – the elevator ride that is taking you to the secret work-pooping spot while your IBS is about as jumpy a
2) the elevator ride where, you were on the elevator by yourself headed to the 15th floor, you eek out a fart, and you go from floor 1 to floor 12 COMPLETELY uninterrupted and you’re feeling lucky then SUDDENLY the elevator stops on floor 14 and some fat “SOAPWORD” gets on and presses 15!
3) the elevator ride where, you get on with your girlfriend and your wife’s already on it
4) the elevator ride with James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers going in for his “spanking” meeting with the NFL Commissioner
5) the elevator ride with people dressed as Harry Potter characters AND THEIR OVER THE AGE OF 40!!
6) the elevator ride on which you fart because you believe the elevator is going up and you figure the smell will go to the floor with the up-motion of the elevator but only to find the elevator is going down and the stench rises to nose level
7) the elevator ride where the really hot girl sticks her finger in her ear to scrape some was out and then SNIFFS her finger nail
Post YOUR “Longest Elevator Ride Ever” below. In the meantime, here’s a little UNSUSPECTING type Little Johnny joke.
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.
She started to guess what was inside. “Chocolates?” she asked.
Johnny shook his head No.
Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, “Ah, I know-dill pickles.”
“No,” Johnny said, “it’s a puppy.”
Ha! Funny stuff but didn’t happen. But here IS something that REALLY happened.
Every Tuesday in the summer, Pauly Cusik and I used to deliver groceries to a lady in an apartment building. Pauly and I would do it for the money plus the lady would buy us all the Slim Jims we wanted. The problem is, Slim Jims were irritants to my IBS too. So on the way back from the store, groceries in hand, we would each eat a box of Slim Jims (otherwise known as the bestest mechanically separated meat EVER). We always had to be back by 10am so we were always on the apartment building elevator at the same time. And that was the same time, every Tuesday, that some lady was on the elevator with her Labra-doodle.
Well, the Slim Jims would do their thing and Pauly and I would BOTH have gas on the rising elevator. Everytime we got off or new people got on and smelled the stench, we would say, “Whew, that dog must have SOAPWORD himself.” We did this every Tuesday - same Slim Jims, same IBS, same lady with the same dog.
Finally, the lady we were shopping for told us she had to fire us because other residents of the apartment building complained that we stunk up the place. When we tried to blame it on the STINKY DOG on the elevator, she then told us that was Mrs. Martin, and that her Labra-doodle had died over a year ago and that she had him stuffed to carry around with her!!!!
OK.. comment below, “The Longest Elevator Ride Ever Was/Would Be………..