THE COUP de GRACE OF EVIDENCE
I have found the coup de grâce of proof that debunks the Little Johnny jokes. I didn’t even have to consult McGee, DiNozzo, Ziva, Gibbs and Abby from NCIS! (BTW, do you ever think there will be a new version of the “Betty or Wilma/Ginger or MaryAnn” jokes that compares Abby and Ziva?)
Comparing the two jokes below makes the Little Johnny jokes look like Urban Legends. Everyone has their own version of one and it was their friend’s FRIEND that it ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO!! All I know is that I don’t drink in hotel bars on business trips anymore ‘cuz I don’t want to find myself waking up in a bathtub without my kidneys!
Joke (Version 1): One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight-year-old son, Johnny, to Catholic mass. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight-year-old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the priest`s sermon, Johnny fell asleep. The priest noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching.
The priest decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.
“Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?”
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son`s right butt cheek. “GOD!!!!” Cried little Johnny.
“Very good,” the priest replied. For he could not say it was wrong.
A short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The priest noticed this and decided to ask another question, “Who was Mary and Joseph`s son?”
Johnny`s dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son`s left butt cheek. “JESUS CHRIST!!!!” Yelled Johnny. And once again the priest replied “Very good.”
Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the priest decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question, “What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?”
But before Johnny`s parents could do anything Johnny shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I`M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!”
* * *
Joke (Version 2): Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept throughout the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary didn`t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary. Teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” Mary didn`t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the needle again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary. The teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half!” The Teacher fainted.
So guess which one of these stories I like the most? Yep, Version 2 ‘cuz it’s the only Little Johnny joke that’s ever called me “altruistic.” Most of the times I have been referred to as a “smart-(soap word)ed” little boy.
Here’s my question, what the hell are all of these people doing running around with needles? Unless you’re a junkie, an uncontrollable KNITTER or someone who disassembles balloon sculptures for a living, what would you be doing carrying needles around? In version 1, Mark had a needle; his wife Cindy had a needle on her too. THEY WERE AT CHURCH!!!
Let’s get to the big stuff. If I would have fallen asleep at church, my parents would have slapped me upside the head. If I would have not learned my lesson and fallen asleep a SECOND time at church, AFTER THE FIRST SLAP, I would have had something close to a skull fracture. If, after one of these corrective actions, I would have yelled any profanity, like “Jesus Christ” or yelled back at my parents with anything even close to ““IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I`M GOING TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF,” my head, neck and face would have been detached from my shoulders due to the force they with which they would have struck me.
I will admit, as and adult, I do occasionally fall asleep at church. I sleep pretty soundly until the parents of “Little Emma” or “Little Gunnar” let their CUTE little kid run up and down the aisles ‘cuz they “just don’t know how to sit still.” Guess why they don’t know how to sit still? ‘Cuz when you’re at the restaurant or church, you haven’t taught them to sit still! When I was Little Johnny and I didn’t sit still when told to, guess what happened? Yep.. slap on the head, etc, etc.