Little Johnny Wants a Bike
So a bunch of popular toys were recalled this week. Toys made by the famous manufacturer we all grew up with and trusted, Fisher Price.
Seven million Fisher Price trikes were recalled ‘cuz “A child can strike, sit or fall on the protruding plastic ignition key resulting in serious injury, including genital bleeding.” Wait, do you know how many times, as a young boy, that my foot slipped off the pedal of my bicycle causing my GENITALS to bang up against that “SOAP WORDing” bar between the seat and the handle bars? No recall there! Before I was 14 I had more CRUSHED NUTS than a Snickers Bar maker!
Here’s another one: millions of infant toys are being recalled by Fisher Price for being a “choking hazard.” This recall includes some type of inflatable balls. (Insert Beavis and Butthead laugh here ‘cuz I just said BALLS.)
It seems that kids’ toys are recalled almost as much as American made cars. And it’s always something that is “potentially tragic” like 6 kids hurt their genitalia on a trike. Six kids out of multi-millions of kids in the United States scraped their “pee-pees” on this thing and we recall MILLIONS of toys?
How in the world do we fix this terribly tragic situation of dangerous toys injuring our kids and needing to be recalled? I’ve got it!!! Have the manufacturers of the sex toys make KIDS TOYS!!
Face it, when is the last time you heard one of Doc Johnson’s “toys” being recalled and how many of them do you think come in contact with one’s genitalia? And how many sex toys, inflatable balls and all, have EVER been accused of being a CHOKING HAZARD despite their intended use? I guess it all depends on the talents of the individual user! I’m thinkin’ sex toy makers have the whole safety thing nailed!
And speaking of bikes, here’s a TOTAL FALSEHOOD about Little Johnny:
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”
Point #1: My parents never divorced. As you know from previous writings, we were Catholic – old fashioned Catholic- and the minute my parents would have THOUGHT about a divorce, A TRUE EXPERT IN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS (a Catholic Priest) would have talked them out of it for the good of the church. (In full disclosure, my parents were happy).
Point #2: In the neighborhood I grew up in, when you wanted a bike and didn’t have one, YOU SIMPLY STOLE ONE!!! However, if you’re caught masturbating by your parents, using the excuse that you were doing it “to get a bike” is a GREAT way to distract them from the fact that they just caught ya yankin’ on yerself! They will probably be totally FREAKED that you really thought you could get a bike this way. WRITER’S NOTE: for adult males, getting caught masturbating by your significant other to get a new motorcycle will NOT work. However, attention adult females, if you get caught “diddling with your middle” by your husbands, you’ll probably get ANYTHING you want!!! (Including a date with the BIKER below.)