Little Johnny Trick or Treats

Gather yer pillow cases, its time for Halloween. 

I may be dressing up as Charlie Sheen.  Think of the benefits…I can legitimately get drunk and hire a hooker to be a part of my costume!!!!  Ya think my wife will buy THAT excuse?

Here are some Halloween traditions from my kid days that I am glad are gone!

Bobbing for apples.  WHAT?  Yep, just what I wanna do:  have my hands tied behind my back like a prisoner-of-war, dunk my open mouth into a tub of warm water that’s been tainted with Halloween make-up, human spit and hair grease from the nine people at the party that weren’t creative enough to think up a better costume than the standard GREASER oufit with cuffed blue jeans and a white t-shirt with rolled up sleeves.  

 Besides, who in the “SOAPWORD” wants an apple on Halloween?  I want SNICKERS AND SMARTIES!

Juice Jugs/Cans of Soda: I swear that our neighbor’s name was related to Naomi Campbell.  She would give out Juice Jugs and cans of soda as treats.  Do ya know how HEAVY those “SOAPWORD’n” things feel at about your 50th house?  Actually, I think Neighbor Naomi even high-dropped those cans into our bags from the top of an 8-foot ladder for increased torture. 

Plastic molded masks with elastic string: God I hated those things.  The eye holes were NEVER big enough.   I had to push the mask up against the bottom of my chin to line up the eye holes so I could navigate the neighborhood walkways and steps.  And when I did that all the mouth-spit and condensation, that built up on the inside of my mask, smeared all over my face.  YEEECK!!  Then, it never failed, halfway through trick-or-treating, the stupid elastic string would BREAK right at that little staple on the side.  Then my dad would try and tie the elastic string to itself IN THE DARK!  Yeah, almost as impossible as keeping Charlie Sheen sober!

One-Size-Fits-All Pull-On Costumes:  Yeah, the same costumes that came with those stupid plastic masks.  You pulled them on over your legs, up over your body and tied a string behind your neck to hold them on.  The legs of these things were WAY too long so my mother rolled them up (cuz that’s what Batman REALLY looks like, right?)  Every time my heels caught on the leg cuff, I’d CHOKE myself!

Now here’s a Halloween tradition Little Johnny joke:

Little Johnny is dressed as a pirate for Halloween.  As he is making his rounds through the neighborhood, he approaches a ladies front door and yells, “Trick or treat!”

The lady says, “Oh, I see you’re a pirate.  Where are your BUCCANEERS?

Little Johnny responds, “Underneath my BUCKIN’ HAT!

Think of it, one HOLY evening dedicated to collecting CANDY!!  No way any kid, ESPECIALLY ME, is gonna be a smart -mouth to anyone if it means not getting a piece of candy or a bag of chips.  If our neighbor would have asked where my “buccaneers” were, I woulda said (in my best pirate voice) “Arrrrr! Back at the ship ma’am so howza-bout some extra candy to take back to those scurvy lads!”

Now, there WAS one Halloween when I was dressed as a pirate and my dad took all my candy away as punishment.  That’s cuz me and my brother were playing pirates and I taught him a trick. 

I told my brother to stick out his tounge and hold it with his thumb and pointing finger and then say, “My dad sells SHIPS down at the SHIP yard.”  (You do it now.)  NOW ya know why my dad took my candy away!!!! (HINT: My dad thells THITS down at the THIT yard.)

**By the way, whomever is watching you read this is wondering what you’re doin’ holding your tounge, mumbling words and giggling.

About John from

I write a blog about Jagoffery..people who act like Jagoffs (a Pittsburghese word for "jerk" which is NOT a swear word BTW) Bad driving, parking, dumb criminals, stupid politicians.

Posted on October 29, 2010, in Halloween and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. I love the way you write! Very entertaining! Happy belated Halloween!

  1. Pingback: They Cut Mary’s Wiener Off!!!! « I am Little Johnny

  2. Pingback: A “WINNING” Interview With Charlie Sheen « I am Little Johnny

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