Little Johnny and a “Father Nelson”

Picture a senior citizen’s nude beach?   Got THAT vision in your mind?  NOW, tell me ya don’t feel bad for those TSA agents running those new enhanced backscatter scanners! 

But check THIS out.  Thanks to the new Homeland Security “enhanced screening measures,” passengers refusing the “full nude” imaging thingy can receive a highly invasive, complimentary groping – all for the price of a standard airline ticket!  Thank God someone’s put the FUN back in air travel again!!!   

Think of it, if I buy a round trip, first class, no Saturday stay over, last minute, cross country ticket its gonna be well over $1200.  If I opt out of being scanned, I automatically get a pat down.  Paying $1200 to get groped at least twice?  Yer living Charlie Sheen level there buddy! 

Another reason that I’d opt OUT of the scanning is, if the scanner IS as detailed as they say it is, I’m afraid the TSA agent will see that my underwear has more skid marks than a LaGuardia airport runway.

Speaking of bein’ groped, check out this Little Johnny joke:

Little Johnny was a Catholic altar boy.  One day before mass, Johnny asks another altar boy, Pete, if he knows anything about wrestling. Little Johnny walks up behind Pete and puts his right arm through Pete’s right armpit and his hand on Pete’s neck.

“What’s this called?” Little Johnny asks.
“That’s a half-nelson,” Pete says as his right arm was pushed up over his head.
“Very good, Petey,” Little Johnny replied. “Now, what’s this?”
He did the same exact thing to Pete’s left arm leaving him with both hands over his head while standing behind him.

“That’s a full-nelson,” Pete said, trying to figure out what Little Johnny’s joke could be.”Right!” Little Johnny said.

Then, standing behind Pete with both his hands forcing Pete’s over by putting pressure on his neck, Little Johnny bent Pete over and began grinding his hips into his hind end.

“So what’s this?” Little Johnny asked.
“I don’t know,” Pete admitted.
Little Johnny shouted, “This is a Father Nelson!”


WOW.. this one’s a heavy hitter.  A Catholic Priest-two-guys-humpin-Little-Johnny joke!  I could almost feel the good Lord lining me up for a lightning bolt strike as I was writing this.  But it ain’t true. 

As an altar boy, I didn’t “Father Nelson” anyone.  But one time I did purposefully step on the back of my friend Pauly’s cassock during a funeral mass.  It made him fall head first toward the foot end of the casket.  Pauly didn’t want to get yelled at so he sucked it up, and pretended he was kneeling down to do a prayer.  Me, I laughed so hard that I cried.  After mass I told the priest that I hadn’t realized until RIGHT THEN that the dead guy was my long lost uncle.  Meantime, I think it affected Pauly a lot.  To this day, Pauly STILL wears a helmet at funerals!

By the way, if ya can’t afford an airline ticket, there is a CHEAPER scheme to get a good groping.  If you’re a guy, choose a female urologist and conjure up some type of testicular issue.  It’s AMAZING what kind of groping you can get for a $20 copay on your Health Benefits card!!!

About John from

I write a blog about Jagoffery..people who act like Jagoffs (a Pittsburghese word for "jerk" which is NOT a swear word BTW) Bad driving, parking, dumb criminals, stupid politicians.

Posted on November 19, 2010, in Church Humor and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Another trip down Catholic School memory lane!

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