Little Johnny Thanksgiving Trimmings and Oprah “Winnings”
Welcome to the “Oprah Wish List” version of Little Johnny’s blog. This is where I scream (in writing) and then you go CRAZY, out of your mind, like the Oprah audience people – pulling your hair, pullin’ on your eyelids, beating your breasts, huggin’ empty chairs, huggin’ screaming strangers next to you, jumping up and down, sloberin’ on yerself, cryin’, blessin’ yourself, makin’ the sign of the cross on the forehead of the person in the seat behind ya and becoming incontinent of both urine and stool!
So when I say, “THIS IS THE THANKSGIVING ISSUE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” you act like this:
Ok.. that’s enough. Get hold of yourself and settle back down. The “Oprah Wish List” version of Little Johnny’s blog is fun but I don’t want anyone suing me cuz ya fell over a railing at home while jumping and screaming when my blog told ya to. As my teacher used to say, “It’s all fun ‘til somebody looses an EYE!”
You gotta love it though. When Oprah announces the prize and all hell breaks loose, ANYTHING GOES whether you know the person next to you or not.
If I get tickets to one of the final Oprah shows, I don’t care WHAT the prize is cuz, before the show starts, I’m gonna make sure that I’m sitting next to the best looking woman in the audience with the bestest set of “sweater kittens.” And when they announce that prize, I’m gonna jump all over her and squeeze and rub every part of her that comes in contact with my palms and pelvis! Cuz we’re all just havin’ fun at the Oprah audience, right?
It’ll be just like being in 5th grade when we used to get Pinnochio pants daring each other to graze our open hands on one of the 8th grade girls’ butts as we passed them in the hall! (You got EXTRA credit if you actually cupped your hand on their butt cheek.)
Anyway, “THIS IS THE THANKSGIVING ISSUE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”
So here’s a Little Johnny joke:
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, they saw a bull and cow having sex. Grandpa explained, “That’s a bull and a cow, and he’s serving her.”
A little later on, they saw horses. The horses were having sex and Grandpa said, “That’s a stud and a mare, and he’s serving her, too.”
That night at Thanksgiving dinner, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Will you please serve the turkey?”
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, “If he does, I’m eating a hamburger!”
My lord! As if the Little Johnny jokes weren’t bad enough, now we have my Grandpa accused of wanting to “stuff” the Thanksgiving Turkey right in front of everyone!!!
Grandpa never did that. But at Thanksgiving dinners, my grandpa WOULD say that he was having a hard time focusing his vision and cutting his food because of his glass eye. So he would pop his glass eye out during dinner and put it in his ice water to keep it moist. Then right before the pumpkin pie was served, he would also pull out his upper and lower false teeth to rinse them off. Thank God Grandpa didn’t have a prosthetic PENIS!
So I never asked for a hamburger at Thanksgiving. I usually had NO appetite from watchin’ that glass eye stare back at me from the water glass!
Ok…that’s a wrap for “THE THANKSGIVING ISSUE OF LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLE JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” And remember, it’s all fun until somebody loses an eye (unless you’re my Grandpa!)
(Click here for previous post about my grandfather’s other habits.)
BTW, won’t be long until the first “I was touched in appropriately in the Oprah audience” law suit comes out. What would YOU do in the Oprah audience????