Holiday Travel is the Answer to Healthcare Reform– Who Woulda THUNK IT?

Whooooa boy.  Ain’t many times I act like a GENIUS.  But just like my friend Dirty Kurty says before fillin’ the commode with yesterday’s triple burrito dinner, “I feeeeeel a BIG one comin’ on!”

I gotta way to lower health care costs, promote early checkups and take full advantage of those new  backscatter airport scanners.  And with the Holiday travel rush upon us, ain’t no time like the present to get started.   

HERE’S THE DEAL, staff the backscatter scanner units with DOCTORS!!!  Yep, professionals that can make on-the-spot diagnoses.  Picture it:

“By the way sir, we’ve verified there’s no contraband in your colon, HOWEVER, Dr. Lou Stool, our gastroenterologist see’s a few polyps in your sigmoid area.  Could ya please step over here for a quick colonoscopy?  Don’t worry that you haven’t fasted, the Taco Bell you had in the food court would have cleaned ya out better than a molasses enema.”


“You are good to go, ma’am.  Please step to the end of the line and put your shoes and socks back on.  By the way, ya might wanna consider cycling to your destination today instead of flying ‘cause you’re WAY over weight and, Dr. A. Fib, the cardiologist working our scanner, actually saw clumps of Big Macs floating in your right coronary artery.  Besides, at your size, you were gonna have to check your ass as extra baggage anyway.” 

Maybe we could even claim frequent flyer miles for things like heart catheterizations and bags of IV fluid instead of comp drinks? Or for the “Custom Fit Emergency Mask” or maybe an inflight urinary catheter for the old guy in the window seat that gets up to pee every 20 minutes? Why not?  Those miles CERTAINLY aren’t good for flying anywhere!!

So there’s this odd Little Johnny joke about flying.

Little Johnny and his mother were flying USAirways from Los Angeles to New York.

Little Johnny, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

His mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told Little Johnny to ask the flight attendant.

So Little Johnny asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, WHY DON’T big planes have baby planes?”

The flight attendant said, “Because US Airways ALWAYS pulls out on time.”

First, US Airways might be the SUCKIEST airline with their hospitality second only to Air Al Qaeda.  Even if YOU pull out on time, yer bags might not.  You and yer bags will most likely be separated further than Paris Hilton’s ankles on a Friday night. 

Second, I was tryin’ to think, in this joke, “What in the SOAPWORD would have been my reason to go from dogs and cats having babies to inanimate objects like planes having babies?”  Then I remembered why I might have thought planes could have babies – my grandfather lived near the airport and he didn’t have cable.  His TV had those old fashioned rabbit ear antennas.  And every time a plane would fly over his house he’d yell, “Those F@#K-ing PLANES!!!”

By the way, if this airport scanner healthcare thing does go through, I see the following being some ORBITZ TRAVEL SPECIAL ideas:

  •   Asthmatics to Athens
  •   Prostate Checks on flights to the Finger Lakes
  •   Kidney Function Tests on European flights (Get it? You’re a pee-in’)
  •   Gynecological checkups on all flights over the Grand Canyon

Got any others?  Comment below.

About John from

I write a blog about Jagoffery..people who act like Jagoffs (a Pittsburghese word for "jerk" which is NOT a swear word BTW) Bad driving, parking, dumb criminals, stupid politicians.

Posted on December 17, 2010, in Air Travel and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 5 Comments.

  1. Hair Transplants to Bald Knob (Arkansas, US)
    Penile Implants to Big Knob (Kentucky, USA)
    Sex Therapy & Counseling during all flights to Bird-In-The-Hand, near Blue Ball & Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
    Free Tampons and Feminine Pads on flights to Bloody Bush (Northumberland. UK)
    Free KY Jelly to stop the chafing to Bloody Dick (Montana, USA)
    Free Membership to AA for Trips to Booze Moor (Nth. Moor, UK)
    Dental Exam & Teeth Whitening on flights to Colgate (Saskatchewan, Canada)
    Free Contraceptives for 5-Mile Club Members flying to Come by Chance (Newfoundland)
    Planned Parenthood Meetings inflight to Condom (Sth. West France)
    Complimentary Bidet Service to Cooter (Missouri, USA)
    Free Depends for incontinent passengers to Crappo (Maryland, USA) and Crapstone (Devon, UK)
    Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation on flights to Cuckoo’s Corner (Hampshire, UK)
    CPR Training When DOA at Dead Bastard Peak (Wyoming, US) and Death Valley (CA ,USA)
    Free Peanuts and Barbiturates to Downer (Minnesota, US)
    Breast Augmention & Lifts on flights to Droop (West Virginia, US)
    Unlimited Porn Movies inflight to Erect (NC, USA)
    Gingko Biloba and Memory Training to Forget (Saskatchewan)
    Sleep Apnea Testing and Sleep Lab in First Class to Great Snoring and a Little Snoring (Norfolk, UK)
    Chartered Flights for Asystolic Passengers to Heavens Door (Somerset, UK)
    5-Mile Club Members who Practice Unsafe Sex are rerouted to Herpes (village in France)
    Viagra and Miracale Grow Coctails on flight to Inchmore (Aberdeenshire) and Little Dix Village (West Indies)
    Bone Marrow transplants to Marrowbone (Kentucky, USA)
    Rectal Exams (Request Two Fingers for a Second Opinion)on Flights to Mianus, (Ct. USA.)
    Morphine Pump and Fentanyl Patches inflight to Misery (near Fountainbleau, France)
    Clean Bill of Health Report on Flights to Normal (Illinois, USA)
    Urinary Catheters and Lasix Offered to First Class Passengers to Pee Pee in Pike County (Ohio), Piddle River (Dorset, UK) and Piss Pot Island.
    Physical Therapy and Orthopedic Consults on all Flights to Stiffknee Knob (North Carolina, US)
    Female Passengers Void of PMS Symptoms on Flights to Tampon (Reunion Island, France)
    Breast Implants in Gold Club in Titless (Switzerland)

    • Looks like Dirty Kurty took some Geography lessons OR is on tour with Justin Beiber!!! He knows LOTSA towns!

    • Dirty Kurty was on a roll yesterday with a number of travel specials. My brainstorming is in over drive!
      Here’s some more:

      For those with a speech impediment, their colonoscopies are performed gratis enroute to Athol (Scotland)
      Passengers Hyperventilating provided free brown bags to Tingley (Iowa, USA)
      Donor cards to Organ (New Mexico, USA)
      Infertility counseling on flights to Fertile (Iowa, USA)
      Gas-X & Beano Samples and a can of Febreze on trips to Gassville (Arkansas, USA)
      Free Parachutes and Trauma Surgeon on flights to (or never get to) Accident, (Maryland, USA)
      Complimentary Chest X-Ray and Inhaler enroute to Asbestos (Quebec)
      Emesis Basins and Mouth Wash to Barf(England)

  2. Brilliant! America loves two-fers, so getting a security scan and a checkup is a perfect way to cut health-care costs and save time.

    The only drawback I can think of is that a bad test result—Mr. Jones, we’re sorry, but you appear to have terminal lung cancer—could really put a damper on your vacation. But, hey, how often would that happen?

    • Mike.. but the way I see it, if yer headed to Vegas for Florida.. you have a chance to live it up…take no prisonors!!!! Thanks for the TOO MANY MORNINGS comment. Honored to have you on!

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