How Can I Afford the Super Bowl?

Ok, so, unless yer under a rock the size of Gibraltar, you know that there is a big football game that most of the Western Hemisphere (and third world countries who receive the mis-printed t-shirts) shuts down for.  In the meantime, there’s some kind of news about how bad the U.S. economy is including something about lots of people being out of work.  That said, here are some costs of associated with the “big game:”

  • Basic game ticket by itself: $2,000 and up
  • Hotel and game ticket package: $3500 and up
  • Parking your car in the Dallas area: $500/day and up
  • A hat announcing my fav team’s conference title: $30 (note, this will be a wasted $30 if my fav team becomes the Super Bowl champs cuz then I’ll need the $40 Super Bowl “locker room” hat that’s better than just a Conference Champ hat)
  • Seat in some Dallas parking lot to watch game on Big Screen: $200 (+parking)
  • Prince (formerly known as Prince and also “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince) celeb party:  $1,500/ticket
  • Snoop Dog “Drop it like its hot” celeb party: $750/ticket
  • 1 60-second TV commercial: $3,000,000
  • New High Def TV to watch the game at MY house: $600 and up
  • Snacks and beer to watch game at MY house: $300
  • Towel or cheese chunk  headdress (depending on what team yer rooting for: $20

And it goes on and on, so what part of the Super Bowl can I afford?   By the way, THIS Little Johnny story IS true (kind of):

Little Johnny’s 4th grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, policeman, pilot, salesman, etc…
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
 “No,” said Johnny, “My dad plays for the Green Bay Packers, but I was too embarrassed to say so.”What’s NOT real about this is:
  • This DIDN’T happen in 4th grade.  It happened only a few years ago while me and Pauly Causik and Micky Carrol were an our MBA program and Brett Favre was still the Packer’s QB
  • A little weenie, squirrelly guy we hung out with in class was the young nephew of Brett Favre – (We hung out with him for the same reason 1 average-looking girl hangs out with 4 fat girls – to make herself look like a 10.  Even WE looked GOOD around HIM.)

Squirrely Weenie Guy

  • Me, Pauly and Micky were Steelers fans and when we found out who this guy’s uncle was, the peer pressure was on!!!
  • We promised him $500 of Radio Shack coupons if he agreed to say this about his Uncle (we eventually reneged)
  • The professor DIDN’T really ask if he was ok.  Mr. Weenie went home with the class thinkin’ that he REALL DID have an uncle that was “an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.”           

It’s been a story we have retold MANY times when we drink and talk about how USELESS our MBA degrees are!!

So back to how I CAN afford the Super Bowl:

  • Super Bowl Eve: Gonna play my Prince and Snoop Dog CD’s
  • Invite some chubby girls over that will appreciate when I prance around in my Men’s Medium, 1975 Steelers Super Bowl IX Champs t-shirt.  Sure, it’s a little snug on my XL frame but the chubby girls think I look like Ricky Martin!
  • I’ve adapted some Rachel Ray game-day recipes to meet my budget– I’m toasting generic brand PopTarts, cutting them into finger squares, and placing a piece of government cheese and a black olive on them – colored toothpicks of course!
  • I’m selling my car so that I can buy enough Black Label beer for me, Micky Carrol and Pauly Causik.  Dirty Kurty might come over but he drinks light beer so we’ll take a few sips outta the cans and then fill them with water for him!
  • We  got some crazy video from a local volunteer fire department carnival of a girl running the Fishing Game with a tight fitting t-shirt on.  She was about 320 lbs so even a bed sheet woulda been snug on her!  We’re gonna use that video to produce our own GO-DADDY commercial for YouTube.  We’re gonna use Pay Pal to view it, 10 cents/view. 
  • I bought one of those Cheese Head hats – not cuz we like them but when those things are cubed, they make a GREAT LOOKING artificial snack tray!  Then we’ll put some of Aunt Ninny’s plastic fruit on it too!

  • To see the game, Gary Hardballs is bringin’ over his cable TV-steeling machine.  We figure it’s safe cuz all the cable police will be getting’ drunk watchin’ the game anyway!
  • We MIGHT get crazy enough to take photos of our genitals and text to people we know.  We’ll FORCE them to sue us and then agree to split the profits!

Whadda you doing for the Super Bowl???


About John from

I write a blog about Jagoffery..people who act like Jagoffs (a Pittsburghese word for "jerk" which is NOT a swear word BTW) Bad driving, parking, dumb criminals, stupid politicians.

Posted on February 4, 2011, in Dirty Kurty, NFL, Pop Tarts and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. A Real Hoot! Loved it!

  2. Damn, that $500 in Radio Shack coupons would’ve been worth several armloads of crappy electronic equipment sold out of a van.

    • Ha Ha!!!! I actually know a lady that would’ve beat the “SOAPWORD” outta me, taken the Radio Shack cards and purchased all rechargeable batteries for the stuff she got outta of the van. Honoored that ya stopped by!!!

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