Little Johnny Phone Invention – INVENTORS NEEDED!

It’s gonna be a difficult week.  I just had a dream that the Publsiher’s Clearing House people showed up at my house – oversized  checks, microphones, cameras, and the whole deal.  The problem  was that they wanted to know if they could hide-out at MY house until my neighbor got home!  SHEEEEESH!

Ok, so I came across something that we REALLY need to invent.  If you are an audio/tech person call me, we are gonna make MORE money than those “SOAPWORD” Publisher’s Clearing House neighbors of mine.

Here’s the scenario to set up my invention:

You call someone.  As the phone is ringing on the other end, you’re talking to someone else in the room, you have the TV/Radio on something inappropriate in the background, you take that last bite of sandwich OR, even worse, yer talking smack about the person you are calling –gearing up for a good phone-fight. 

The next thing you get is…… THEIR VOICE MAIL!  As yer listening to the voice mail, you continue to talk to someone in the background, take another bite of your sandwich or start muttering nasties about getting the person yer calling.


I wanna record the message BEFORE the message on these phone calls so that I REALLY know what’s going on before the callers official message starts.  Could be more entertaining than watching the “Jon and Kate + 8 Reruns.”  Can you picture it? 

You dial yer phone:

(Phone Ringing)

YOU:  “I can’t wait until I get this son-of-“SOAPWORD” on this phone.  I can’t believe they charged me TWICE for this “SOAPWORD.” 

(Voice Mail Tree comes on: “Press 1 to continue in English.”)

YOU:  “These sons-a-SOAPWORDS!  1 for English?  I live in the America EVERYONE should be speaking ENGLISH!!!”

 (Voice Mail Tree: “Now listen to our options because our menu has changed”)

YOU:  “What the “SOAPWORD?”  Why can’t I just talk to a LIVE PERSON?????!!!!!!  These MOTHER “SOAPWORD” phone systems are bull-SOAPWORD!!!!”

(Voice comes on: “Hello, this is Helen, how may I help you?”)

YOU: (ahem) “Hi Helen, how are you today?  My name is….”

Yeah, that’s YOU being nice because you DON’T wanna tick off Helen who controls yer cable bill, etc, etc. 

How about this call (you dial):

(Phone Ringing)

YOU: “For Crissakes, ANSWER the god-“SOAPWORD” phone.  Would it kill ya to get off yer “SOAPWORD” and answer the phone?”

(Voicemail comes on)

YOU: “What the “SOAPWORD???” I can’t believe yer gonna screen yer messages.  You son-of-a-“SOAPWORD!”  I hate your lazy “SOAPWORD!”

(Voicemail beep prompt)

YOU:  (cuz ya want sex tonight) “Hi Honey!!!  Just wanted to know if you left to pick me up at the bus stop yet?  It’s starting to rain a little harder….See you soon, Love YOU!”

Bye the way, here’s a Little Johnny phone message joke:

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees at home.  Little Johnny answered, whispered, “Hello?”

The Boss: “Is your Daddy home?”

Little Johnny whispered, “Yes.”

The Boss: May I talk with him?”

Little Johnny whispered, “No.”

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes”, came Little Johnny answered.

The Boss: “May I talk with her?”

 Again Little Johnny whispered, “No.”

The boss then said, “Is there any one there besides you?”

“Yes”, whispered Little Johnny, “A policeman.”

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he’s busy”, whispered Little Johnny.

The Boss: “Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman”, Little Johnny whispered.

Finally alarmed and frustrated the boss asked,”What is going on there?” What are your parents and police officers and firefighters doing???!!!!

Little Johnny answered with a muffled giggle,  “They’re looking for me!”

This isn’t true but I DID used to have fun with phone-tricks looooong before caller ID, *69 and every other phone-fun-destroying technology.

One time I left a message on Gary Hardballs machine that said,

 “Hi, this is the roofer calling about the house at (I gave his exact address).  Unless I hear back from you tonight we will be over about 8:30am to start tearing off the roof! (I purposefully DIDN’T leave a call back number).

Gary Hardballs missed a half-day of work to make sure that no roofers showed up to destroy his house!  Too bad he didn’t have my new invention at that time, on the  message BEFORE the message, he woulda heard me laughing and saying “He’s gonna SOAPWORD his pants when he hears this!”

Got any good phone stories?  Comment below!

Little Johnny Joke provided by TensionNot

About John from

I write a blog about Jagoffery..people who act like Jagoffs (a Pittsburghese word for "jerk" which is NOT a swear word BTW) Bad driving, parking, dumb criminals, stupid politicians.

Posted on February 25, 2011, in Little Johnny Phone Pranks and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. You dial the number and say: “This is the telephone engineer. We’re doing some work on your line. If your phone rings in the next hour, please don’t answer it – it could be dangerous for us.” You hang up and within a minute you ring again. You let the phone ring for as long as it takes. Eventually, the person you spoke to will HAVE to answer the bloomin’ phone or go barmy. When s/he picks the phone up, you simply go: “Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!” very loudly – and hang up. Be sure that you don’t leave a number for them to call back. It works. (Sorry if this is in ENGLISH English, Little Johnny – love your invention.)

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