A “WINNING” Interview With Charlie Sheen
Like every other classless, looking-for-ratings, media slut – I sold my soul to get an interview with Charlie Sheen!!! He was a LITTLE hesitant because my wife’s initials are C.B.S.BUT when he realized that the network was not named after her, he was VERY obliging! See the transcription of our interview below:
ME: Charlie, I feel for you. Everyone is talking “SOAPWORD” about you being a bad dude. I’ve lived the same life being known as “Little Johnny.” Everyone thinks I’m bad. How does that make you feel?”
CHARLIE SHEEN: Well, DUH! Like a winner! It’s not like I’m gonna join twitter, write a stupid blog and try to capitalize on my situation though. I’m not really into SHAMELESS MEDIA PLOYS!
ME: How do you get on all of these TV shows? Do you sleep at the doors of these TV stations and barge in, first thing in the morning, like a CRAZED WalMart Day-After-Christmas-Electronics Sales?
CHARLIE SHEEN: Do you have ANY idea who you are talking to? I dare YOU and Walmart to keep up with me. The only thing I know about WalMart is that, when I’ve hallucinated I’ve seen THOUSANDS of WalMart shoppers WITH TEETH and actually dressed in NORMAL CLOTHES – it’s “SOAPWORD’n” FREAKY!
ME: Charlie, do you understand what Muammar Gaddafi is saying in his recent rants?
CHARLIE SHEEN: Oh, yeah. We’re BOTH Vatican Assasins. There’s a new sheriff in town and, like me, Gaddafi has an army of assassins. I’m just a HELLUVA lot better looking than that crater face is. By the time I get done with Gaddafi, the country will be called LABIA! One of my favorite “parts” of the world.
ME: What is your favorite Little Johnny joke?
CHARLIE: I don’t care because if they don’t mention me then they are not worth a “SOAPWORD.” And what is it with this “SOAPWORD” stuff? Are you too much of a weenie to be a REAL MAN and use the language of the TIGER????
ME: Have you ever told a Little Johnny joke?
CHARLIE: Yes, and if you are gonna press me on this than I guess I can tell one:
“TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Little Johnny, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LITTLE JOHNNY: Because George still had the axe in his hand.”
(We both chuckle nervously)
ME: Wow, that’s one I haven’t heard for a while! But that story isn’t really true ya know. None of those Little Johnny jokes are. My teacher did ask me once about how honest George Washington was when asked about the Cherry Tree…
CHARLIE SHEEN: Wait! The ONLY reason George Washington chopped down the cherry tree is because he was bangin’ seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how he and I roll. George Washington was an F-18 long before the number 18 was invented. Notice it wasn’t Thomas Jefferson with an axe, he was a “SOAPWORD.”
ME: Well, I need to explain my REAL story cuz that’s what I do here..
CHARLIE SHEEN: No! By the time I get done with you, this blog is going to be called “Little Charlie & Brothers.” By the way, did you see Kirk Douglas on the Oscars? That Mother “SOAPWORD’s” ear lobes? I think he’s been GUAGING!
ME: Do you have an i-Pad2?
CHARLIE SHEEN: DUH! They’re gonna wanna pay me $3 million to promote the i-Pad2. By the time I get done with it their gonna call it the CHARLIE Pad!
ME: Our time is up, I hope you’ll be o.k.
CHARLIE SHEEN: Hope is for suckers and fools!
ME: Can I get a duo interview with “voice vagrant” Ted Williams? I need ratings.
CHARLIE SHEEN: I don’t know, he was kind of outta control when HE was on TV — saying crazy things like “MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, I LOVE YOU MOMMY.” Does he have tiger blood and Adonis DNA?
The interview was over after this because JUST THEN Charlie started to rant nonsensical ramblings as opposed to his coherent thoughts above!
See ya next Friday after, like my other high-integrity media colleagues, I find some OTHER self-destructive person to jump on the coat tails of as they ride the crazy-train to HELL!
NOTE: Celebrity Voices Impersonated; Quotes taken from: AOLNews.com
See another Little Johnny “CHARLEY SHEEN” related post HERE!
See my OTHER shameless ratings ploys HERE!