Little Johnny REWIND: They Cut Mary’s Weiner Off!!!!

My kid graduated from High School this week.  I have been faaaaaar too emtional to write a blog. 

OK, not really, I have been busier than SOAPWORD this week so I am re-posting this cuz the “young and free” attitude of the graduates reminded me of the antics of me and my friend.

Dicky Dickson (yeah that was his REAL name and, NO, he did NOT grow-up to become a porn star).  When we got bored in our neighborhood Dicky Dickson and I would make up a fake treasure hunt list.  We put all kinds of stuff on the list, a coloring book, rag, an old paint brush, deck of cards, a pencil and the ultimate item………… A CAN OF BEER!!! 

Then we would go around the neighborhood in a very “Eddy Haskell way,” hand the list to the neighbors (mostly the older ones) and say, “Excuse me Mrs. __________, we are on a treasure hunt and we are trying to find these items.  Can you please help?”

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD GIVE US A CAN OF BEER!!!!!!  Especially the misters of the houses.  They would do anything to get rid of us so that they could go back to taking their nap or watchin’ their Bonanza reruns. 

By the way, we always put peppermint patties or some kind of mint thing on our treasure hunt list so that we would have something to cover our beer breath. 

The plan was GENIOUS on Dicky’s part.  Of course, we had to make sure that we didn’t’ drink all the beer and go home SLOSHED or puke!    If we had any extra cans from our hunt, we would hide them in an old box of baseball cards. That was the same place we would hide the old Playboy mags that we would steal from our friend Dirty Kurty’s  dad’s sock drawer.  Funny side note, Dicky’s parents and mine would ALWAYS buy us new packs of baseball cards cuz they thought we were REALLY into them given how often we had that box with us!!!! 

So that REALLY happened.   Here’s a Little Johnny story that DIDN’T happen:

Little Mary is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home to her mother, and explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Little Mary, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going home because I’m bleeding,” says Little Mary.

“Where ya bleeding?” asks Little Johnny.

So little Mary pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.

Little Johnny steps back in horror and says, “Why did they cut your wiener off!?”

 Yep, it’s a funny joke.  But it ain’t true.  There never was a girl named Mary in my class (refer to my previous post  about names in Little Johnny jokes).  Second, in my kid-life, at the site of ANY kind of blood, I pretty much got sick to my stomach and put my head between my legs so I wouldn’t pass out.  I’d turn as white as milk-toast just gettin’ my teeth drilled at the dentist.  If I would have seen Mary bleeding, I would have more than likely fallen  limp to the ground, out cold, pale as a corpse!! 

Dicky Dickson might have actually done something like this though.  By the time we got to high school, Dicky had a scheme where he would go around passing out business cards to all the girls that said, “Dick Dickson, Freelance Gynecologist.”  Dicky was way before his time.  He’s yesterday’s version of                                                       “The Situation.”

By the way, I kind of lost track of Dicky Dickson over the years.   While I know he didn’t become a porn star, I wouldn’t put hit past him that he’s the guy in this picture looking to do breast exams.

Ok.. I gotta go.  The wife’s not home.   I gotta go find my baseball card box (if ya know what I mean)!

By the way, this Little Johnny Joke came from

About John from

I write a blog about Jagoffery..people who act like Jagoffs (a Pittsburghese word for "jerk" which is NOT a swear word BTW) Bad driving, parking, dumb criminals, stupid politicians.

Posted on June 10, 2011, in Cut off Weiner, Dicky Dickson and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Haha! Great idea for the treasure hunt. I’ll have to actually try that sometime. Wonder if it would work with ‘bottle of whiskey’?

    Thanks for your comments on my Lie blog! There’s an RSS link right at the top, in the title, and right at the bottom under the ‘Meta’ tag. That’s all I have though.

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