Category Archives: Air Travel

Sleepy Air Traffic Controllers Remedy – DUNKIN DONUTS

News Flash– the FAA has reported that they are selling the naming rights to all air traffic control towers to Dunkin Donuts!  On the heels of another incident of an air traffic controller falling asleep while trying to, um, DO THEIR JOB (click here for story from Reuters), the government has found a way to assist with this problem AND the national debt!

The naming rights agreement has a special requirement that Dunkin Donuts must supply unlimited coffee to all air traffic control personnel during their shift.  And for those controllers who are like me – don’t like the taste of ash water –  they will have their choice of eating 3 dozen chocolate Munchkins every 2 hours OR having a Coolatta IV inserted into their arm just prior to the beginning of their shift.

Think of it!!  They could also market to the pilots, ESPECIALLY THE NORTHWEST AIR PILOTS (click here for article): “Ahhhh, yeah…..this is the tower, NWA Flight 446, you are affirmed for taxi and takeoff on runway two-niner, left.  Good speed and, at your next stop, don’t forget The Dunkin Difference: Our legendary freshly brewed coffee has been keeping America running for over 60 years!  It’s what we PROFESSIONALS use here in the tower!  Have a great flight!”

OH WAIT!!!  Let’s solve the problem realistically and ADD another person to the tower cuz THAT’S what would happen if yer liver surgeon fell asleep during your surgery or the Micky D’ resgiter worker fell asleep whilst you were giving them yer Big Mac order- they would simply add another surgeon or Micky D’s register-er-er and just push the sleeper to the side for some well-deserved rest!  This is about as reasonable as the kid who got a stain on his pants and didn’t’ want his mother to see it so he used scissors to cut the stain out of his pants! (wasn’t me).  Or the kid who, on a treasure hunt, was told to turn in a sock with a hole in it so he cut a hole in his brand new sock ONLY to find out, his sock ALREADY had a hole in it – the one where he inserts his FOOT! (wasn’t me EITHER)

Okay… before I get too worked up, here is a little Johnny joke, about a hole (kind of).

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, she politely asked,

 “What are you up to there, Little Johnny?”

“My goldfish died, “replied Little Johnny tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

As Little Johnny patted down the last heap of earth he then replied, “That’s because he’s inside SOAPWORD your cat!”

Here’s the what REALLY happened.  Dirty Kurty and Gary Hardballs were at a local summer carnival.  Gary won a live goldfish – ya know the kind that are swimming around in a baggie just begging for you to NOT drop them on the ground and kill them.   Dirty Kurty won a humongous stuffed lion.

Anyway, the problem was, NEITHER of them had permission to be at the carnival and they didn’t realize it until they got close to home.  Under the cover of dusk, they decided to dig an “adhoc” gold fish pond in the neighbor lady’s back yard.  When the lady came out to yell at them, Kurty dropped the fish baggie and killed it.  When she asked them what they were doing, they said, “Burying our dead gold fish.”  She then asked, “How did it die?”  Panicing for a response, Dirty Kurty pointed to the over-sized lion, sitting by itself in the dark yard, and said, “That crazy lion killed it!”  The neighbor lady’s eyes bugged outta her head with fear  and she slammed her door shut quickly. We heard that she called the zoo 27 times the next day asking them to come out and look for the lion lose in the neighborhood.

Ok, not sure how long it will take for the Dunkin Donuts thing to start so, if ya know any air traffic controllers that work night turn, send him my blog to read during their shift!!!

Today’s Little Johnny joke provided by: Daily Funny

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Holiday Travel is the Answer to Healthcare Reform– Who Woulda THUNK IT?

Whooooa boy.  Ain’t many times I act like a GENIUS.  But just like my friend Dirty Kurty says before fillin’ the commode with yesterday’s triple burrito dinner, “I feeeeeel a BIG one comin’ on!”

I gotta way to lower health care costs, promote early checkups and take full advantage of those new  backscatter airport scanners.  And with the Holiday travel rush upon us, ain’t no time like the present to get started.   

HERE’S THE DEAL, staff the backscatter scanner units with DOCTORS!!!  Yep, professionals that can make on-the-spot diagnoses.  Picture it:

“By the way sir, we’ve verified there’s no contraband in your colon, HOWEVER, Dr. Lou Stool, our gastroenterologist see’s a few polyps in your sigmoid area.  Could ya please step over here for a quick colonoscopy?  Don’t worry that you haven’t fasted, the Taco Bell you had in the food court would have cleaned ya out better than a molasses enema.”

OR

“You are good to go, ma’am.  Please step to the end of the line and put your shoes and socks back on.  By the way, ya might wanna consider cycling to your destination today instead of flying ‘cause you’re WAY over weight and, Dr. A. Fib, the cardiologist working our scanner, actually saw clumps of Big Macs floating in your right coronary artery.  Besides, at your size, you were gonna have to check your ass as extra baggage anyway.” 

Maybe we could even claim frequent flyer miles for things like heart catheterizations and bags of IV fluid instead of comp drinks? Or for the “Custom Fit Emergency Mask” or maybe an inflight urinary catheter for the old guy in the window seat that gets up to pee every 20 minutes? Why not?  Those miles CERTAINLY aren’t good for flying anywhere!!

So there’s this odd Little Johnny joke about flying.

Little Johnny and his mother were flying USAirways from Los Angeles to New York.

Little Johnny, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”

His mother, who couldn’t think of an answer, told Little Johnny to ask the flight attendant.

So Little Johnny asked the flight attendant, “If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, WHY DON’T big planes have baby planes?”

The flight attendant said, “Because US Airways ALWAYS pulls out on time.”

First, US Airways might be the SUCKIEST airline with their hospitality second only to Air Al Qaeda.  Even if YOU pull out on time, yer bags might not.  You and yer bags will most likely be separated further than Paris Hilton’s ankles on a Friday night. 

Second, I was tryin’ to think, in this joke, “What in the SOAPWORD would have been my reason to go from dogs and cats having babies to inanimate objects like planes having babies?”  Then I remembered why I might have thought planes could have babies – my grandfather lived near the airport and he didn’t have cable.  His TV had those old fashioned rabbit ear antennas.  And every time a plane would fly over his house he’d yell, “Those F@#K-ing PLANES!!!”

By the way, if this airport scanner healthcare thing does go through, I see the following being some ORBITZ TRAVEL SPECIAL ideas:

  •   Asthmatics to Athens
  •   Prostate Checks on flights to the Finger Lakes
  •   Kidney Function Tests on European flights (Get it? You’re a pee-in’)
  •   Gynecological checkups on all flights over the Grand Canyon

Got any others?  Comment below.

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