Category Archives: Bathroom Humor

Happy New Year!! (be careful writing dates on yer checks)

Well HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!  This blog was started 6 months ago, after a conversation and beers at a local bar with Gary Hardballs.  I thought it would be fun to do a LITTLE JOHNNY REWIND and repost some of the more popular links since the start.  (Plus I’m a LAZY “SOAPWORD” this week!!!!).  Click on the bolded words to read the post.

Ok, that’s it.  Have a Happy New Year and be sure to pass THIS page around to your friends.  See ya every Tuesday for a min-post and every Friday for a new Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny and the Hokey Pokey

So ya know what the Hokey Pokey dance is right?  If not click here for a quick review

Ok, now that we’re on the same page, did ya ever wonder why the Hokey Pokey song is ALWAYS played at wedding receptions – usually right after that stupid Bird Dance…da-da-dada-dada-DA, da-da-dada-dada-DA,da, da, da, DA!  CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP!)  Yeah, you got it.

Well, as it turns out the Hokey Pokey is traditionally played at wedding receptions cuz, in the old days, the Hokey Pokey was actually an ancient ritual dance that a virgin bride would perform for her groom before they would “SOAP WORD” for the very first time.  Yeppir, this whole, “Right hand in, right hand out.  Backside in, Backside out” stuff was supposed to AROUSE the groom!

You may be skeptical at this point but you’ll understand more with THIS… the real name of this dance has been lost over the years and years of translation.  The real name of the dance is “I Hope He POKES Me!”

O.K. So if you believe THAT, you’ll probably believe this Little Johnny joke:  

Little Johnny is bored all day, hanging around the house. He goes into his parents room and finds them having sex. “What are you doing?” Johnny asks. “Uh, well, we’re dancing.” replies his mother. “What’s daddy doing?” “He’s my partner, now run along.”

A few nights later, Johnny goes into his sister’s room and catches her having sex with her boyfriend. “What are you doing?” “Ummm, dancing.” “What’s your boyfriend doing?” “He’s my partner, now get out of here!”

Then, when family was visiting, Johnny went into the bathroom and saw his grandfather playing with himself. “What are you doing?” Johnny asks. “Why I’m dancing.” said his grandfather. “Well, where is your partner?” His grandfather replied, “When you’ve danced as long as I have, you don’t need a partner.”

Whoaaaa…Seriously, this is more dysfunctional than the Octo-mom family will be in about 10 years.

First, I didn’t grow up in a tent or a big open room full of cubicles.  We DID have doors on our rooms.

Second, I didn’t have X-Box or an iPod but I gotta tell ya, I didn’t wonder through my house bored like some psych patient.  Pretty much I played with simple things like Slinkies, G.I. Joe’s (with Life-Like Hair) and Lincoln Logs.  If I REALLY got bored, I would see how far I could stick one of the Lincoln Logs up my nose!  This was always TWICE as entertaining when my little brother would stick the same logs in his mouth the next day.

Third, my sister would not have had the courage to have a real boy in her room.  Our parents had some kind of uncanny CIA-level brain control that kept deviant thoughts like that from EVER entering our minds for fear of being KILLED!  But she DID have a ton of Donny Osmond, David Cassidy and Bobby Sherman posters. 

I don’t think my sister used those posters the way my friend Frank used his Farrah Fawcett poster.  I never realized, until MANY years later, why Frank always had that thing laying on the floor next to his bed and why one of its upper corners was so wrinkled.

Finally, I don’t know about YOUR grandfather but, when my grandfather was in a bathroom, you didn’t go near it for hours after he had been in there.  Ya knew what he was going to do in the bathroom as he alternated farting and moaning on each step all the way up the stairs to the bathroom. 

The noises that came out of the bathroom while my grandpap was in there rivaled the grunts and groans heard in a Venus and Serena Williams tennis match.  And the smell was usually worse than the imagined stench of a clogged outhouse on a 20 year-old shrimp boat!

And on the RARE occasion that my grandfather was only going to that bathroom take a leak, you woulda thunk he had actually done the Hokey Pokey while he was peeing – cuz of all the pee trickles all over the floor, wall and toilet.  How about THAT for an ending thought?

NOTE: Send me a FlipCam Video of you telling your fav Little Johnny joke.  Maybe I will post it and DEBUNK it.  IamLittleJohnny@comcast.net

If this is your first time here, read ABOUT ME for a Little Johnny intro.

Where Jesus Lives

We are ALMOST at one year for the blog.  I’m enjoying a sunny -beach vacation from all of the $$ I have created from the blog.  (OK – so I am homeless by a creek but it’s similar.)   In the meantime, here is the second post I haver made as Little Johnny. 

I have made it to post a second week!    Boom, Boom, POW! 

Keep in mind, the intent of this blog content is to ENTERTAIN and not offend.  So, hopefully as you read these, you realize that you are reading mundane writings that were meant to give you something to do while you’re bored at work, or at home watching that very awkward 3rd hour of NBC’s Today Show where Kathy Lee Gifford is used to fill air time until The Ellen Show comes on.  Or even better, you’re using this as bathroom reading.  (By the way, it’s a weird vision of you sitting in the bathroom with a laptop on your knees!!!)  Remember to TYPE BEFORE you WIPE and wash before you TYPE AGAIN!

 JOKE: A Preschool Sunday School teacher was concerned that her students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas Season emphasis on His birth. She wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So she asked her class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raised his hand and said, “He’s in heaven.”

Mary was called on and answered, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, “I know! I know! He’s in our bathroom!!!”

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, she gathered her wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this. Little Johnny said, “Well…every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

First, whoever made up this joke, at least took the initiative to insert a more popular name for one of the set-up characters.  The use of the name Steven makes this joke a LITTLE more plausible as opposed to many of the other Little Johnny jokes where they use the same vanilla names from the first-grade “see spot run” reading books.

However, I have no idea why most of the Little Johnny jokes set up my dad as such a foul-mouthed guy.  Sure, he had his moments of spewing a few “soap words.”  

But the ONE thing my dad NEVER did was take God’s name in vain.  By the way, I’m not classifying the following phrase that my Dad used regularly, as taking God’s name in vain: “For chrissakes!” [ krīs- saykz ].  While he used this in exasperation when frustrated, it’s not a real word so it doesn’t count as a “soap word” in my notebook.

Secondly, just like all the other Little Johnny jokes, this one says I was “waving my hand furiously” to answer the question.  REALLY?!  I wasn’t THAT excited to answer questions in school.  I MIGHT have been “waving my hand furiously” trying to be excused to the bathroom the one day in 4th grade when Jenny D tried to kiss me…. ‘cuz I think I pretty much was about to pee my pants!

Finally, my dad had his own bathroom that he used.  He would have NEVER had to wait impatiently for access to a bathroom.  His bathroom was in the basement and it was full of newspapers and sports magazines.  I think he re-read every article of every publication in there ‘cuz, when he went there, he would be missing for hours.  I never saw it, but I heard that the toilet in Dad’s bathroom actually had an attached footrest that he could put up while he was in there!!

By the way, going back to my opening comments that included Kathy Lee Gifford; she’s been shamelessly promoting her son Cody for years.  Why can’t we get some Little Cody jokes pulled together?????  Email me. IamLittleJohnny@comcast.net

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