Little Johnny “Lenten Special”

Lent is to help Catholics cleanse their minds, hearts and souls of inequities so that they can focus on the resurrection of Jesus which is celebrated Easter Sunday.  So here’s a time line: (note: I survived Catholic School)

Fat Tuesday: This is the day before Ash Wednesday (which we will explain next).  Basically it is a day to go out, drink, stuff your grocery hole as much as possible and get crazeeee with yer friends cuz for the NEXT 40 days, you gotta be good.

Ash Wednesday:  If yer not hung-over or sick from your pig-out and you wake up in yer own bed, you find a way to go to church and get ashes put on yer forehead.  Most folks search for the church that gives JUST ashes as opposed to the churches that make you sit through a whole mass to get them.  Also, if yer ashamed, you kind of find a way at work to say you ACCIDENTALLY wiped them off while THINKING AT YER DESK! 

Lent:  For the next 40 days you decide to give up some vice. You do this to repent for all of the sins you committed since LAST EASTER!  If yer smart, this is a chance to RENEW that “failed” New Years commitment of losing weight by giving up eating in between meals or late-night snacks.  One other note, if yer SMART, you realize that the Catholic rules allow you to go off the wagon on Sundays and go back to yer vice for a day.

Holy Friday:  If yer in Catholic School you love this day cuz you get the day off.  If yer a public school kid, you hope that Easter Break starts before this but your “SOAPWORD” MAD that yer Catholic buddies get the day off no matter what to go skiing or play hoops.

Easter Sunday: You are done FASTING or SACRIFICING and you get back to yer old habits!!!  You stuff yerself with chocolate and jelly beans  – cuz what BETTER way to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus then to gorge yerself with buttered-popcorn-flavored jelly beans and breaking apart a solid chocolate Easter Bunny – just like they did back in Jerusalem when they found the stone rolled back and the tomb empty!

By the way, you had to figure that there is a Little Johnny joke about this stuff!

Little Johnny was in front of the church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Little Johnny by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

Little Johnny replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

The Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

Little Johnny whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”

I gotta tell ya, out of all the Little Johnny jokes out there – THIS ONE is a good one and TRULY original.  However, NOT TRUE.  But here IS a true story about those Easter  once-a-year “church-ins.”

When me and Dirty Kurty were in Catholic School – public high-school kids would ask us about what to wear at church for Easter cuz they only went once-a-year.  We used to tell’em that the Church “changed the rules” and expected all adolescents to wear BRIGHT ORANGE SPORT COATS and LIME GREEN PANTS.  We told them that was the ONLY way they would fit in or look “normal.”  We would charg’em $5 for the advice.

Me and Dirty Kurty happily sat through ALL FOUR Easter Sunday masses each year just to be ENTERTAINED by who would show up in BRIGHT ORANGE COATS and LIME GREEN PANTS!!!!  Even better, we charged them $1 for a church bulletin on the way out cuz they didn’t know they were free!

So guess what I’m doing for lent?  I gave up snacking after 6pm cuz I am STILL feelin’ the guilt over the 401K account me and Dirty Kurty built on taking money from those once-a-year Easter Churchins!!!!!

Don’t forget to search this site for MORE stories about Dirty Kurty – he was the REAL bad-boy!

Little Johnny and a “Father Nelson”

Picture a senior citizen’s nude beach?   Got THAT vision in your mind?  NOW, tell me ya don’t feel bad for those TSA agents running those new enhanced backscatter scanners! 

But check THIS out.  Thanks to the new Homeland Security “enhanced screening measures,” passengers refusing the “full nude” imaging thingy can receive a highly invasive, complimentary groping – all for the price of a standard airline ticket!  Thank God someone’s put the FUN back in air travel again!!!   

Think of it, if I buy a round trip, first class, no Saturday stay over, last minute, cross country ticket its gonna be well over $1200.  If I opt out of being scanned, I automatically get a pat down.  Paying $1200 to get groped at least twice?  Yer living Charlie Sheen level there buddy! 

Another reason that I’d opt OUT of the scanning is, if the scanner IS as detailed as they say it is, I’m afraid the TSA agent will see that my underwear has more skid marks than a LaGuardia airport runway.

Speaking of bein’ groped, check out this Little Johnny joke:

Little Johnny was a Catholic altar boy.  One day before mass, Johnny asks another altar boy, Pete, if he knows anything about wrestling. Little Johnny walks up behind Pete and puts his right arm through Pete’s right armpit and his hand on Pete’s neck.

 

“What’s this called?” Little Johnny asks.

“That’s a half-nelson,” Pete says as his right arm was pushed up over his head.

“Very good, Petey,” Little Johnny replied. “Now, what’s this?”

He did the same exact thing to Pete’s left arm leaving him with both hands over his head while standing behind him.

“That’s a full-nelson,” Pete said, trying to figure out what Little Johnny’s joke could be.”Right!” Little Johnny said.

Then, standing behind Pete with both his hands forcing Pete’s over by putting pressure on his neck, Little Johnny bent Pete over and began grinding his hips into his hind end.

 

“So what’s this?” Little Johnny asked.

“I don’t know,” Pete admitted.

Little Johnny shouted, “This is a Father Nelson!”

 

 

WOW.. this one’s a heavy hitter.  A Catholic Priest-two-guys-humpin-Little-Johnny joke!  I could almost feel the good Lord lining me up for a lightning bolt strike as I was writing this.  But it ain’t true. 

As an altar boy, I didn’t “Father Nelson” anyone.  But one time I did purposefully step on the back of my friend Pauly’s cassock during a funeral mass.  It made him fall head first toward the foot end of the casket.  Pauly didn’t want to get yelled at so he sucked it up, and pretended he was kneeling down to do a prayer.  Me, I laughed so hard that I cried.  After mass I told the priest that I hadn’t realized until RIGHT THEN that the dead guy was my long lost uncle.  Meantime, I think it affected Pauly a lot.  To this day, Pauly STILL wears a helmet at funerals!

By the way, if ya can’t afford an airline ticket, there is a CHEAPER scheme to get a good groping.  If you’re a guy, choose a female urologist and conjure up some type of testicular issue.  It’s AMAZING what kind of groping you can get for a $20 copay on your Health Benefits card!!!

Chocolate Cookies and Apples and the NFL

Whoooaaaa! The NFL has fined some players for making TOO HARD of hits in a football game. 

WHAAAAAAAAAT? 

I know everyone hates those, “when we were little” statements BUT when I was Little Johnny, we played tackle football with no pads in old muddy, stump-filled fields and broken concrete school yards.  If we tore a limb off, we had our buddies duct tape and staple it back on cuz we KNEW that, if one of us went home with a torn off arm or leg, our mothers would BEAT US with it and send us to our room to “think about what we had done!!!!” 

By the way, did you see the NFL guys that were fined?  James Harrison’s so intimidating that I wouldn’t throw him the middle finger from a half-mile away if I was an Olympic sprinter.  In the meantime, the NFL Comish’ner gives the guy a $75,000 fine which is like giving Harrison TWO middle fingers, takin’ yer socks off and givin’em two middle toes too! 

NO HARD HITS in the NFL!

So all the boys will be sitting in a sports bar watchin’ the game on the big screen.  I can see it now.  INSTEAD of everyone watching some bone CRRRRUNCHING hit and yelling, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh SOAPWORD!!  Did you SOAPWORDing see that?”  they’ll all watch a play and yell things like, “Ohhhhhhhh, SOAPWORD, when I use the win probability model to evaluate 4th down decisions, I’m doing SOAPWORDing prescriptive analysis!!!! 

It’ll be like goin’ to see an Amish boxing match!  MORE BEERS PLEASE (Lots more, we’re gonna need’em!)

Here’s the weird thing, when I see the pics of James Harrison I am instantly reminded of our Catholic school principal, Sister Bartholemew.  They’re built EXACTLY the same.  Sister Bartholemew’s most intimidating feature was a wart on her chin that had so much wiry black hair stickin’ out of it that I thought she had a baby porcupine stuck to her face.   

As usual, talking about Catholic school, leads me to another Little Johnny joke which is about as Bull-SOAPWORD as the new NFL rules:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chips cookies.

Little Johnny put a note there, “Take all you want.  God is watching the apples.”

This Little Johnny story is EASY to off.  When I was in Catholic elementary school, there was no cafeteria.  I ate my lunch out of a metal Lee Majors lunch box and matching thermos.

Here’s another thing, we feared ol’ Sister Bartholemew more than we feared the good Lord himself.  God was SUPPOSED to have a beard but Sister Bart had a better one!!  So that fact that there was a note from God on the apples meant nothing.  The fact that Sister Bartholomew guarded the apples and cookies in a Defensive Lineman stance and blew steam from her nostrils (even on hot days) was REAL the intimidating factor. 

Finally, I do admit to taking about 10 cookies one day during school snack time.  The fact is, I didn’t get to eat all of cookies that day so I put them in my pants pockets.  Guess where those chocolate chips ended up?  Yep, my mom’s washer and dryer.  Guess what my punishment was?  She ripped one of my limbs off, beat me with it and then sent me to my room to think about what I had done.

 BTW, credit to the Little Johnny joke this week goes to: E-Forwards.com

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THE COUP de GRACE OF EVIDENCE

I have found the coup de grâce of proof that debunks the Little Johnny jokes.   I didn’t even have to consult McGee, DiNozzo, Ziva, Gibbs and Abby from NCIS!  (BTW, do you ever think there will be a new version of the “Betty or Wilma/Ginger or MaryAnn” jokes that compares Abby and Ziva?)

Comparing the two jokes below makes the Little Johnny jokes look like Urban Legends.  Everyone has their own version of one and it was their friend’s FRIEND that it ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO!!  All I know is that I don’t drink in hotel bars on business trips anymore ‘cuz I don’t want to find myself waking up in a bathtub without my kidneys!

Joke (Version 1): One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight-year-old son, Johnny, to Catholic mass. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight-year-old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the priest`s sermon, Johnny fell asleep. The priest noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching.

The priest decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.
“Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?”
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son`s right butt cheek. “GOD!!!!” Cried little Johnny.
“Very good,” the priest replied. For he could not say it was wrong.

A short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The priest noticed this and decided to ask another question, “Who was Mary and Joseph`s son?”

Johnny`s dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son`s left butt cheek. “JESUS CHRIST!!!!” Yelled Johnny.   And once again the priest replied “Very good.”

Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the priest decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question, “What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?”

But before Johnny`s parents could do anything Johnny shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I`M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!”

*       *        *

Joke (Version 2): Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept throughout the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”

When Mary didn`t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary. Teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”  Mary didn`t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the needle again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary.  The teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half!”  The Teacher fainted.

So guess which one of these stories I like the most?  Yep, Version 2 ‘cuz it’s the only Little Johnny joke that’s ever called me “altruistic.” Most of the times I have been referred to as a “smart-(soap word)ed” little boy. 

Here’s my question, what the hell are all of these people doing running around with needles?  Unless you’re a junkie, an uncontrollable KNITTER or someone who disassembles balloon sculptures for a living, what would you be doing carrying needles around?  In version 1, Mark had a needle; his wife Cindy had a needle on her too.  THEY WERE AT CHURCH!!! 

Let’s get to the big stuff.  If I would have fallen asleep at church, my parents would have slapped me upside the head.  If I would have not learned my lesson and fallen asleep a SECOND time at church, AFTER THE FIRST SLAP, I would have had something close to a skull fracture.  If, after one of these corrective actions, I would have yelled any profanity, like “Jesus Christ” or yelled back at my parents with anything even close to  ““IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I`M GOING TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF,” my head, neck and face would have been detached from my shoulders due to the force they with which they would have struck me.

I will admit, as and adult, I do occasionally fall asleep at church.  I sleep pretty soundly until the parents of “Little Emma” or “Little Gunnar” let their CUTE little kid run up and down the aisles ‘cuz they “just don’t know how to sit still.”  Guess why they don’t know how to sit still?  ‘Cuz when you’re at the restaurant or church, you haven’t taught them to sit still!  When I was Little Johnny and I didn’t sit still when told to, guess what happened?  Yep.. slap on the head, etc, etc.