Category Archives: Church Humor
Lent is to help Catholics cleanse their minds, hearts and souls of inequities so that they can focus on the resurrection of Jesus which is celebrated Easter Sunday. So here’s a time line: (note: I survived Catholic School)
Fat Tuesday: This is the day before Ash Wednesday (which we will explain next). Basically it is a day to go out, drink, stuff your grocery hole as much as possible and get crazeeee with yer friends cuz for the NEXT 40 days, you gotta be good.
Ash Wednesday: If yer not hung-over or sick from your pig-out and you wake up in yer own bed, you find a way to go to church and get ashes put on yer forehead. Most folks search for the church that gives JUST ashes as opposed to the churches that make you sit through a whole mass to get them. Also, if yer ashamed, you kind of find a way at work to say you ACCIDENTALLY wiped them off while THINKING AT YER DESK!
Lent: For the next 40 days you decide to give up some vice. You do this to repent for all of the sins you committed since LAST EASTER! If yer smart, this is a chance to RENEW that “failed” New Years commitment of losing weight by giving up eating in between meals or late-night snacks. One other note, if yer SMART, you realize that the Catholic rules allow you to go off the wagon on Sundays and go back to yer vice for a day.
Holy Friday: If yer in Catholic School you love this day cuz you get the day off. If yer a public school kid, you hope that Easter Break starts before this but your “SOAPWORD” MAD that yer Catholic buddies get the day off no matter what to go skiing or play hoops.
Easter Sunday: You are done FASTING or SACRIFICING and you get back to yer old habits!!! You stuff yerself with chocolate and jelly beans – cuz what BETTER way to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus then to gorge yerself with buttered-popcorn-flavored jelly beans and breaking apart a solid chocolate Easter Bunny – just like they did back in Jerusalem when they found the stone rolled back and the tomb empty!
By the way, you had to figure that there is a Little Johnny joke about this stuff!
Little Johnny was in front of the church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Little Johnny by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
Little Johnny replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
The Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
Little Johnny whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
I gotta tell ya, out of all the Little Johnny jokes out there – THIS ONE is a good one and TRULY original. However, NOT TRUE. But here IS a true story about those Easter once-a-year “church-ins.”
When me and Dirty Kurty were in Catholic School – public high-school kids would ask us about what to wear at church for Easter cuz they only went once-a-year. We used to tell’em that the Church “changed the rules” and expected all adolescents to wear BRIGHT ORANGE SPORT COATS and LIME GREEN PANTS. We told them that was the ONLY way they would fit in or look “normal.” We would charg’em $5 for the advice.
Me and Dirty Kurty happily sat through ALL FOUR Easter Sunday masses each year just to be ENTERTAINED by who would show up in BRIGHT ORANGE COATS and LIME GREEN PANTS!!!! Even better, we charged them $1 for a church bulletin on the way out cuz they didn’t know they were free!
So guess what I’m doing for lent? I gave up snacking after 6pm cuz I am STILL feelin’ the guilt over the 401K account me and Dirty Kurty built on taking money from those once-a-year Easter Churchins!!!!!
Don’t forget to search this site for MORE stories about Dirty Kurty – he was the REAL bad-boy!
But check THIS out. Thanks to the new Homeland Security “enhanced screening measures,” passengers refusing the “full nude” imaging thingy can receive a highly invasive, complimentary groping – all for the price of a standard airline ticket! Thank God someone’s put the FUN back in air travel again!!!
Think of it, if I buy a round trip, first class, no Saturday stay over, last minute, cross country ticket its gonna be well over $1200. If I opt out of being scanned, I automatically get a pat down. Paying $1200 to get groped at least twice? Yer living Charlie Sheen level there buddy!
Another reason that I’d opt OUT of the scanning is, if the scanner IS as detailed as they say it is, I’m afraid the TSA agent will see that my underwear has more skid marks than a LaGuardia airport runway.
Speaking of bein’ groped, check out this Little Johnny joke:
Little Johnny was a Catholic altar boy. One day before mass, Johnny asks another altar boy, Pete, if he knows anything about wrestling. Little Johnny walks up behind Pete and puts his right arm through Pete’s right armpit and his hand on Pete’s neck.
“That’s a full-nelson,” Pete said, trying to figure out what Little Johnny’s joke could be.”Right!” Little Johnny said.
Then, standing behind Pete with both his hands forcing Pete’s over by putting pressure on his neck, Little Johnny bent Pete over and began grinding his hips into his hind end.
WOW.. this one’s a heavy hitter. A Catholic Priest-two-guys-humpin-Little-Johnny joke! I could almost feel the good Lord lining me up for a lightning bolt strike as I was writing this. But it ain’t true.
As an altar boy, I didn’t “Father Nelson” anyone. But one time I did purposefully step on the back of my friend Pauly’s cassock during a funeral mass. It made him fall head first toward the foot end of the casket. Pauly didn’t want to get yelled at so he sucked it up, and pretended he was kneeling down to do a prayer. Me, I laughed so hard that I cried. After mass I told the priest that I hadn’t realized until RIGHT THEN that the dead guy was my long lost uncle. Meantime, I think it affected Pauly a lot. To this day, Pauly STILL wears a helmet at funerals!
By the way, if ya can’t afford an airline ticket, there is a CHEAPER scheme to get a good groping. If you’re a guy, choose a female urologist and conjure up some type of testicular issue. It’s AMAZING what kind of groping you can get for a $20 copay on your Health Benefits card!!!
I have found the coup de grâce of proof that debunks the Little Johnny jokes. I didn’t even have to consult McGee, DiNozzo, Ziva, Gibbs and Abby from NCIS! (BTW, do you ever think there will be a new version of the “Betty or Wilma/Ginger or MaryAnn” jokes that compares Abby and Ziva?)
Comparing the two jokes below makes the Little Johnny jokes look like Urban Legends. Everyone has their own version of one and it was their friend’s FRIEND that it ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO!! All I know is that I don’t drink in hotel bars on business trips anymore ‘cuz I don’t want to find myself waking up in a bathtub without my kidneys!
Joke (Version 1): One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight-year-old son, Johnny, to Catholic mass. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight-year-old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the priest`s sermon, Johnny fell asleep. The priest noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching.
The priest decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.
“Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?”
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son`s right butt cheek. “GOD!!!!” Cried little Johnny.
“Very good,” the priest replied. For he could not say it was wrong.
A short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The priest noticed this and decided to ask another question, “Who was Mary and Joseph`s son?”
Johnny`s dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son`s left butt cheek. “JESUS CHRIST!!!!” Yelled Johnny. And once again the priest replied “Very good.”
Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the priest decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question, “What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?”
But before Johnny`s parents could do anything Johnny shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I`M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!”
* * *
Joke (Version 2): Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept throughout the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary didn`t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary. Teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?” Mary didn`t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the needle again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary. The teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half!” The Teacher fainted.
So guess which one of these stories I like the most? Yep, Version 2 ‘cuz it’s the only Little Johnny joke that’s ever called me “altruistic.” Most of the times I have been referred to as a “smart-(soap word)ed” little boy.
Here’s my question, what the hell are all of these people doing running around with needles? Unless you’re a junkie, an uncontrollable KNITTER or someone who disassembles balloon sculptures for a living, what would you be doing carrying needles around? In version 1, Mark had a needle; his wife Cindy had a needle on her too. THEY WERE AT CHURCH!!!
Let’s get to the big stuff. If I would have fallen asleep at church, my parents would have slapped me upside the head. If I would have not learned my lesson and fallen asleep a SECOND time at church, AFTER THE FIRST SLAP, I would have had something close to a skull fracture. If, after one of these corrective actions, I would have yelled any profanity, like “Jesus Christ” or yelled back at my parents with anything even close to ““IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I`M GOING TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF,” my head, neck and face would have been detached from my shoulders due to the force they with which they would have struck me.
I will admit, as and adult, I do occasionally fall asleep at church. I sleep pretty soundly until the parents of “Little Emma” or “Little Gunnar” let their CUTE little kid run up and down the aisles ‘cuz they “just don’t know how to sit still.” Guess why they don’t know how to sit still? ‘Cuz when you’re at the restaurant or church, you haven’t taught them to sit still! When I was Little Johnny and I didn’t sit still when told to, guess what happened? Yep.. slap on the head, etc, etc.