Category Archives: Easter
Lent is to help Catholics cleanse their minds, hearts and souls of inequities so that they can focus on the resurrection of Jesus which is celebrated Easter Sunday. So here’s a time line: (note: I survived Catholic School)
Fat Tuesday: This is the day before Ash Wednesday (which we will explain next). Basically it is a day to go out, drink, stuff your grocery hole as much as possible and get crazeeee with yer friends cuz for the NEXT 40 days, you gotta be good.
Ash Wednesday: If yer not hung-over or sick from your pig-out and you wake up in yer own bed, you find a way to go to church and get ashes put on yer forehead. Most folks search for the church that gives JUST ashes as opposed to the churches that make you sit through a whole mass to get them. Also, if yer ashamed, you kind of find a way at work to say you ACCIDENTALLY wiped them off while THINKING AT YER DESK!
Lent: For the next 40 days you decide to give up some vice. You do this to repent for all of the sins you committed since LAST EASTER! If yer smart, this is a chance to RENEW that “failed” New Years commitment of losing weight by giving up eating in between meals or late-night snacks. One other note, if yer SMART, you realize that the Catholic rules allow you to go off the wagon on Sundays and go back to yer vice for a day.
Holy Friday: If yer in Catholic School you love this day cuz you get the day off. If yer a public school kid, you hope that Easter Break starts before this but your “SOAPWORD” MAD that yer Catholic buddies get the day off no matter what to go skiing or play hoops.
Easter Sunday: You are done FASTING or SACRIFICING and you get back to yer old habits!!! You stuff yerself with chocolate and jelly beans – cuz what BETTER way to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus then to gorge yerself with buttered-popcorn-flavored jelly beans and breaking apart a solid chocolate Easter Bunny – just like they did back in Jerusalem when they found the stone rolled back and the tomb empty!
By the way, you had to figure that there is a Little Johnny joke about this stuff!
Little Johnny was in front of the church one day and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Little Johnny by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”
Little Johnny replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”
The Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”
Little Johnny whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.”
I gotta tell ya, out of all the Little Johnny jokes out there – THIS ONE is a good one and TRULY original. However, NOT TRUE. But here IS a true story about those Easter once-a-year “church-ins.”
When me and Dirty Kurty were in Catholic School – public high-school kids would ask us about what to wear at church for Easter cuz they only went once-a-year. We used to tell’em that the Church “changed the rules” and expected all adolescents to wear BRIGHT ORANGE SPORT COATS and LIME GREEN PANTS. We told them that was the ONLY way they would fit in or look “normal.” We would charg’em $5 for the advice.
Me and Dirty Kurty happily sat through ALL FOUR Easter Sunday masses each year just to be ENTERTAINED by who would show up in BRIGHT ORANGE COATS and LIME GREEN PANTS!!!! Even better, we charged them $1 for a church bulletin on the way out cuz they didn’t know they were free!
So guess what I’m doing for lent? I gave up snacking after 6pm cuz I am STILL feelin’ the guilt over the 401K account me and Dirty Kurty built on taking money from those once-a-year Easter Churchins!!!!!
Don’t forget to search this site for MORE stories about Dirty Kurty – he was the REAL bad-boy!