Category Archives: Dad Screwed The Secretary

How Does Little Johnny Think?

Things I Think:

— If your real names are Mr. and Mrs. John and Sally Smith – is it EXTREMELY difficult to get a hotel room somewhere?  I can just see the front desk staff, “Yessir, I understand, you and (putting their fingers up as quote marks) Mrs. Smith need a room?  Sure, no problem.  Will that be cash?”

— As I get older, the more I wish they made 110-thread count Egyptian-linen toilet paper.  In my younger days, I didn’t give a “SOAPWORD” if my toilet paper had chips of wood in it!

— Rebecca Black (if you don’t know her, Google her) – so, Rebecca Black and Rebacca Black’s mother – is there any wonder why we are so far behind the Chinese in math and science?  PRIORITIES MOM!!!!

— Dirty Kurty texts me photos of his daily bowel movements.  I usually text some type of stupid message back like, “Wow, did they find the Loch Ness monster in yer toilet ?”  The question is, does that make HIM weird or is it ME that’s has some serious issues?

— 16 years ago I told myself I was going to become a top-level fashion designer so that when my daughter turned 16, I would make sure that the “AMISH LOOK” was “in” so that it was fashionable for her to be covered from neck-to-ankle.  I didn’t make it.  Lady Gaga did.  And now my daughter wants to be carried to school in an EGG!

— What in the “SOAPWORD” would dress-down Friday actually be for computer programmers?? 

— Micky Carol and I STILL laugh about, when we were teenagers, we drove a priest to the airport in HIS car.  After we dropped him off, we were driving home, saw a jackass driver and gave him the finger.  After we PARKED the car we realized it had a CLERGY sign in the window!!  (I’m actually laughing right now)

Before I get TOO random, here’s a Little Johnny joke (keep in mind, it’s NOT true):

 Little Johnny asked his mother, “Mommy, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?” 

“Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?” asked his mother.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, the other day Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”

This couldn’t be further from the truth. My dad never had a “sex-retary.”  On the other hand, if he did, and he if he had sex with her and my mom woulda found out about it, she WOULDA  taken HIM apart like a machine.  It woulda looked like the movie Transformers – she woulda turned him into a VW Beetle with his head shoved up his “SOAPWORD” and his eyeballs sticking outta his belly button for headlights!

One time, in Cub Scouts, me and Dicky Dickson and Gary Hardballs walked in on our Scout Master and another kid’s mom.  We were too young to realize what we were seeing at the time and too young to realize we shoulda watched a little longer.  By the time we were old enough to realize what we had seen that night,  we all realized we shoulda been shocked as “SOAPWORD” that Scout Master was doing it with a FEMALE.  (FYI, the three of us got outta the scouts when we found out our next level was called WEBLOW.  Yeah, you got it.  I group of men and boys and it’s called WE Blow!!!)

By the way, to raise money for my new nonprofit organization, this weekend I will be at a local book store signing books.  I will sign as many of the store’s books as I can before they kick my “SOAPWORD” out for defacing their property!

See ya next Tuesday for a Mini-post! 

BTW, I’m on Twitter, @IamLittleJohnny

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