Category Archives: Dirty Kurty

Sentator Reid Will Get Boner …ahh, I meant Boehner!

It’s the Little Johnny Blog’s birthday, 1-year-old!

I was going to have TLC’s Buddy the Cake Boss – owner of Carlo’s Bakery and one of the most irritating, squeaky, whiney New York accents since Fran Drescher  – make our cake and have a huge party.  However, I was afraid that, in his research on cake designs, he would take the Little Johnny jokes too literal and design some time of cake showing “the comedian with the two black balls” or make a design of my parents having sex out of fondant.  Then again, a cake of my 4th grade teacher, whose sweater kittens were so big she could only fasten eight (FASCINATE) of her buttons, wouldn’t be so bad!

Either way, big things are going on and I have some answers.  The current U.S. Budget debate has brought about GREAT potential for headlines – IF, and only IF, you free yourself to take the literary license of changing the pronunciation of Speaker John Boehner (currently pronounced BAY-nor) to BONER!  Just imagine:

Senator Reid Steps All Over Boehner

Reid Slams Boehner In Front of Full Senate

Boehner Plan Has Great Staying Power

Reid Pulls Boehner Asside for Stroking Before Vote

Reid Attacks Boehner for Being In His Way

Reid Gets Boehner on Sunday Morning Talk Show

In the words of some old-time Jewish comedy writer from the Catskills, “I got a MILLION of ’em!” 

And about this debt crisis thingy, these politicians are making this WAAAAY too hard.  If you’ve ever been in a sticky situation where you need more credit, you know what to do.  

 You can talk to anyone of the very friendly but barely understandable Indian people named Nelson, Carl, Kitty or Alice.  Just simply ask to have your credit line increased.  Crying is sometimes necessary but, within 15 minutes, they will be given authorization by their supervisor, Joseph, to increase your spending ability! 

Either way, we’re all hangin’ it out there together!!  And here’s a Little Johnny Joke about a similar topic

One day the teacher walked to the back of the room where Johnny was, and he had his hand down his pants.

The Teacher asked, “Johnny, what are you doing?”

Then, Johnny said, “It hurts down there.”

“Well then, you need to go to the nurse and see if you can go home,” said the teacher.

A little while later, Johnny came back to classroom and sat back down.

Then the teacher came to the back of the room again and Johnny had his wiener hanging out of his pants.

The teacher said, “Johnny, what’s that doing hanging out of your pants?!”

Then Johnny said, “My mommy said if I can stick it out until noon, she’ll come and pick me up.”

 As you know from reading this blog for the last 12 months, this story is CLOSE but not true.  Here’s a REAL story:

One Friday during college, Dirty Kurty realized that he didn’t have any drinking money for the weekend.  So, while sitting in the back of our 2-hour long summer Cost Accounting class, Dirty Kurty made us a bet.  He had to pee and we still had an hour of class to go.  His bet, if he urinated into his empty Gatorade bottle DURING CLASS, each the three of us would give him $5.  Yeah, beer was cheap back then.

We agreed and Dirty Kurty PEED!  Right there while the professor was reading aloud from the text-book, calling on people randomly, Dirty Kurty peed into the bottle.  You could hear the pee hitting the bottom of the bottle. We all started cracking up which made Dirty Kurty start laughing and, each time he laughed his pee would squirt, stop, squirt, stop – sounded like someone was milking a cow into a bucket! 

He filled the bottle, put the lid on it and placed it on the empty desktop next to him.  For the rest of the final our of class, we stared at that bottle in amazement – that nobody else knew what had occurred.  With about 15 minutes to go, we started to get wiffs of pungent urine.  (Yep, sour puke in my throat when I think of it.)

We paid our debt to Dirty Kurty and, to this day, NONE OF US can drink Lemon-Lime flavored Gatorade!   Also, don’t know if anyone in the NEXT CLASS felt lucky for “finding a free full bottle of Gatorade!”

Thanks for reading the blog for the last 12 months.  Please encourage your friends to get on the mailing list. 

COMMENT BELOW – what would be YOUR fav headline about Reid and Boehner??

Russell “Squawk Like A Crow” Huekler – Alternate Juror

Well, the door is now open to Casey Anthony Trial “Media Doll Wanna-bee’s!”

Russell Huekler, teacher from Pinellas County, Florida a STAND-BY juror for the trial has made his way to pretty much every media outlet that will have him, Today Show, GMA, CBS Morning Show, CNN, Sesamee Street….

HE DIDN’T EVEN DELIBERATE!!!!!!!!  And he got a page-and-a-half of Google results.

No confirmation that he will be the new host of the new cable TV show, “The Next Alternate Juror Star!”  However, he IS confirmed to be a guest on Iron Chef and is expected to do a “Throw Down With Bobby Flay” program regarding Cooking-For-One-On-a Hot-Plate Filmed in One of the REAL-LIFE Alternate Juror Hotel Rooms.

Old Russ is gonna have one Helluva GREAT “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” story!!!!  But he’s not a real juror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of things not being real, here’s another NOT-real Little Johnny story.

One year, Little Johnny’s family was having a Fourth of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting some illegal fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.)

Just before he was to arrive, Cousin Joe called, saying his neighbors’ plans had just fallen through.  Cousin Joe asked if he could bring the neighbors along to the picnic.  Little Johnny’s dad said, “Sure, the more the merrier!”

When Cousin Joe arrived with his neighbors, Little Johnny and his dad found out that the head of the neighbor family was a police officer.

Little Johnny’s dad turned, as innocently as he could, to his son and whispered for him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Little Johnny disappeared, and the Little Johnny’s dad changed the topic to food for the day.

The new guests had brought some chicken to grill, so Little Johnny’s dad told them the gas grill was all set to use out back — they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

The neighbor guests, including the police officer, headed out to the back as Little Johnny returned through the front door. Little Johnny’s father hurried to him and said, “Whew, that was close! That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

Little Johnny said, “Oh, yeah, I hid them in the grill!”

Now THAT is a funny Little Johnny joke but, once again, not real (like Russell Huekler).  And speaking of not real, ranking right-on up there with our dads taking us down to the edge of the river, pointing across and telling us the other side was “Europe,” Micky Carroll’s dad fooled us every Fourth of July in our young, stupid days.

We would get all excited.  Micky’s dad was gonna put on a show for us and, the real kicker, we didn’t have to push our way through any crowds to see the town’s fireworks. 

Just as it got to be dusk, we would beg him, “Can we do them now?  Can we? Can we? Huh?”  He would always quietly settle us down and say, “Soon, very soon!  We can’t use them until it’s really dark!”  The anticipation would KILL us!

Finally, the time would come.  Micky’s dad would tell us to go inside and look out the front porch window.  All of us, Gary Hardballs, Dirty Kurty, Micky, Dickie Dickson would squeeze to the window.  (Micky never had any idea WHY we had to go inside!  But we did.)

And there we all were, ready to go and Micky’s dad would be outside with his ear cups on and all.  Then suddenly, THERE IT WAS!!!!!!!  “Awesome, oooooh, aaahhhhh, wooooooow!”  And then, within a few minutes, it was over.  But we were satiated for another year.

In our later years, we found out that what we were soooooo excited about was a single RAILROAD FLARE that Micky’s dad would bring home from work!!!!  Yeah, once we found THAT out we felt about as STUPID as a no-armed 18-year-old boy in a 25-cent porn movie booth!!!!

 

BTW, this week’s Little Johnny joke came from Cactusdar from a website called, eons.com.

Search at the top by name for all of the post mentiong, Dirty Kurty, Gary Hardballs, Dickie Dickson and Mickey Carroll.

Oprah’s Gone – Get Seal Team 6 to Replace Her!

Well, the Oprah Show is now gone! 

Well, kind of!  But it’s hard to be sad cuz it’s basically been  like watching a cowboy die in an old spaghetti western over the last year.  No time to be sad.  Only time to figure out how the TV stations can replace Oprah with something that makes money!

I say, who’s the hottest commodity right now?  Seal Team 6. 

And here’s some thoughts on TV shows:

“Dancing With the Stars” Featuring the Seal Team 6 (Would be fun to see exactly WHAT kind of dance outfits they convince THESE guys to wear) This would ALSO give the guys, who had to wait outside during the raid, a chance to get one over on their Seal Team mates who went inside and did “the deed.”

Seal Team “Throw Down With Bobby Flay” (where they actually take turns cooking and THROWING DOWN Bobby Flay with close quarters combat moves)

Seal Team “Cake Boss” (where they storm into the kitchen and tell Buddy to “shut the SOAPWORD up” and make him stop SCREACHING when he talks)

Diners, Drive-ins and Tough Mother SOAPWORDer Dives” (Seal Team Six performs surprise assault entry on local chefs)

“The Voice via Seal Team Six” (you come out and sing, they spin around in their chair if they DON’T like you, with their weapon of choice. If all of them spin around, you pick which red dot on your body you want to take you out.)

You may THINK I’m a TV MOGUL GENIOUS from reading my ideas above, but I am not – just tryin’ to help.  Here’s a Little Johnny Joke about me “just trying to help.”

A third grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the students answer by reciting a short poem.  The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher’s pet.  He stood and said, “My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can and I think I can.”

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room.  She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, “My name is Suzy and when I become a lady, I would like to have a baby if I can and I think I can.”

Finally it came to Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, “My name is Johnny, and I don’t give a SOAPWORD about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can … and I think can!”

Third grade thinking sex????  Here’s how it REALLY happened.

Dirty Kurty and Micky Carrol were a little wise about sex in third grade  – just not geniuses.  Our third grade teacher was quite fulfilled at the top of her body – sweater kitting kind of stuff!  

During roll call one day, the teacher asked for volunteers to help her put her “memory photo book” together after school.  During roll call Dirty Kurty and Micky GLADLY volunteered!  I thought, what suckups!

That day, they spent close to 4 hours helping the teacher put a scrapbook of class photos together – they were bored has SOAPWORD!!!  Turns out, they were VAGUELY familiar with the term “MAMMARY” and, the whole day, they thought they were going to be helping the teacher put her “MAMMARY PHOTO BOOK” together!!!!  Yep, thought they were going to be seeing BOOBIE PHOTOS!!!  Ahhhh, the naiveté of young testosterone!!!

By the way, all of these JUDGES shows make me THANK GOD for my DVR:  Show opening, (FAST FORWARD) ,  activity (FAST FORWARD), score, (FAST FORWARD), next activity,  (FAST FORWARD), crying from winner, (FAST FORWARD), previews from next week,  end.  DONE in 26 minutes!

Speaking of Seal Team 6 and “memories,” remember MONDAY IS MEMORIAL DAY!!!!  It is a day to enjoy our freedom of being able to shop, take off work, take a trip, etc. because of the folks in our MILITARY!!!

Today’s Little Johnny Joke via @HilariousJoke

How Does Little Johnny Think?

Things I Think:

— If your real names are Mr. and Mrs. John and Sally Smith – is it EXTREMELY difficult to get a hotel room somewhere?  I can just see the front desk staff, “Yessir, I understand, you and (putting their fingers up as quote marks) Mrs. Smith need a room?  Sure, no problem.  Will that be cash?”

— As I get older, the more I wish they made 110-thread count Egyptian-linen toilet paper.  In my younger days, I didn’t give a “SOAPWORD” if my toilet paper had chips of wood in it!

— Rebecca Black (if you don’t know her, Google her) – so, Rebecca Black and Rebacca Black’s mother – is there any wonder why we are so far behind the Chinese in math and science?  PRIORITIES MOM!!!!

— Dirty Kurty texts me photos of his daily bowel movements.  I usually text some type of stupid message back like, “Wow, did they find the Loch Ness monster in yer toilet ?”  The question is, does that make HIM weird or is it ME that’s has some serious issues?

— 16 years ago I told myself I was going to become a top-level fashion designer so that when my daughter turned 16, I would make sure that the “AMISH LOOK” was “in” so that it was fashionable for her to be covered from neck-to-ankle.  I didn’t make it.  Lady Gaga did.  And now my daughter wants to be carried to school in an EGG!

— What in the “SOAPWORD” would dress-down Friday actually be for computer programmers?? 

— Micky Carol and I STILL laugh about, when we were teenagers, we drove a priest to the airport in HIS car.  After we dropped him off, we were driving home, saw a jackass driver and gave him the finger.  After we PARKED the car we realized it had a CLERGY sign in the window!!  (I’m actually laughing right now)

Before I get TOO random, here’s a Little Johnny joke (keep in mind, it’s NOT true):

 Little Johnny asked his mother, “Mommy, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?” 

“Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?” asked his mother.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, the other day Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”

This couldn’t be further from the truth. My dad never had a “sex-retary.”  On the other hand, if he did, and he if he had sex with her and my mom woulda found out about it, she WOULDA  taken HIM apart like a machine.  It woulda looked like the movie Transformers – she woulda turned him into a VW Beetle with his head shoved up his “SOAPWORD” and his eyeballs sticking outta his belly button for headlights!

One time, in Cub Scouts, me and Dicky Dickson and Gary Hardballs walked in on our Scout Master and another kid’s mom.  We were too young to realize what we were seeing at the time and too young to realize we shoulda watched a little longer.  By the time we were old enough to realize what we had seen that night,  we all realized we shoulda been shocked as “SOAPWORD” that Scout Master was doing it with a FEMALE.  (FYI, the three of us got outta the scouts when we found out our next level was called WEBLOW.  Yeah, you got it.  I group of men and boys and it’s called WE Blow!!!)

By the way, to raise money for my new nonprofit organization, this weekend I will be at a local book store signing books.  I will sign as many of the store’s books as I can before they kick my “SOAPWORD” out for defacing their property!

See ya next Tuesday for a Mini-post! 

BTW, I’m on Twitter, @IamLittleJohnny

Little Johnny “Swimsuit Edition”

So I’m at the gym.  Ya see, I am not tall enough for my weight so I go to the gym to narrow the difference. 

Actually, I like to eat so I go to the gym to give me some wiggle room for when I go get some bar food and beers with Pauly Causik, Gary Hardballs, Dirty Kurty and Dicky Dickson at a place we call “The Nail.”

Anyway, I’m a shower kind of guy.  I NEVER take a baths.  I find the act of bathing more stomach curdling than the Dirty Kurty “poop plug” issue (click here if ya don’t know it).  I don’t take baths cuz I have absolutely NO interest in washing my face with “butt water” (water that that my butt is soaking in). 

So imagine my dismay when I was sitting in the gym’s hot tub, WITH SWIM TRUNKS ON, and one of the HARRIEST MALE BEASTS, approached AND ENTERED the hot tub NAKED.  YEP, you got it no kind of hairnet harness, at all, for those pube hairs!!    So there I was, relaxing in the hot tub salts.  Not even the visions of Mrs. Little Johnny on Valentine’s Day gets the vision of one of those Chewbacca hairs floating up to me outta my head! 

So I quickly exit the hot tub before one of his floating pubes can make contact with me.  Time to shower and get on with stuffin’ my face with cold beers and cheese sticks!  When I get to the shower, I see this:

 

 Yep, you got it!  Its curly black hairs on the top of the squirty soap!!!  SQUIRTY SOAP!!!

 Are ya kiddin’ me?  Squirty soap was the best invention EVER cuz it meant, from that point on, Ya NEVER AGAIN, had to pick up bar soap with two fingers cuz there was dried pube hairs pressed into it!  I’m actually gagging as …(hold on a minute while I choke a lump back)… anyway, I am gagging as I write this and look at that picture.

Ok, so speaking of taking baths, there is this story out there about me seeing my mom take a bath:

Little Johnny’s mother is taking a bath. She had recently been discharged from hospital where she had all of her pubic hair removed.

Johnny comes into the bathroom as she’s drying off, and asks her what happened to the hair. “I’ve lost my sponge,” she says, and sends Johnny to play.

A few moments later, Johnny reappears and tells his mother he thinks he’s found her sponge, “Oh, really,” his mum asks. “Where is it?” Johnny answers, “The lady next door is washing daddy’s face with it.”

I never saw my mom naked and my dad would have NEVER been with lady next door (see previous story about the CRANKY lady next door).

However, when I was little and we went to public pools to swim while my dad was working, guess where my mom took me to change… THE WOMEN’S LOCKER ROOM!!!!  YAAAAHoooo! Well, it WOULD be Yaaaaaahooo if I could just remember all that “SOAPWORD” I saw when I was little!!!

Ok, so my mom realized it was time to start sending me to the Men’s Locker Room when I started pointing and giggling at the ladies’ “boobies” and asking about the pubic hair on the ladies in the locker room. THAT’S when she told me “that’s the lady’s SPONGE.” 

To this day, I still twitch when my hot neighbor says she likes to clean her floors the “old fashioned way, ON HER HANDS AND KNEES WITH HER BUCKET AND SPONGE!!”

Yeah, WAAAAAY better visions than “visions of sugar plums dancing.”

As a matter of fact, THAT’S what I’m gonna picture the next time I see Chewbacca in the hot tub.  But I STILL ain’t getting’ in it unless he has a ball-hair-net on!!!

(gotta go – swallow-um, another lump in my throat)

 

Little Johnny Joke This Week Credited to : FHM On-Line

How Can I Afford the Super Bowl?

Ok, so, unless yer under a rock the size of Gibraltar, you know that there is a big football game that most of the Western Hemisphere (and third world countries who receive the mis-printed t-shirts) shuts down for.  In the meantime, there’s some kind of news about how bad the U.S. economy is including something about lots of people being out of work.  That said, here are some costs of associated with the “big game:”

  • Basic game ticket by itself: $2,000 and up
  • Hotel and game ticket package: $3500 and up
  • Parking your car in the Dallas area: $500/day and up
  • A hat announcing my fav team’s conference title: $30 (note, this will be a wasted $30 if my fav team becomes the Super Bowl champs cuz then I’ll need the $40 Super Bowl “locker room” hat that’s better than just a Conference Champ hat)
  • Seat in some Dallas parking lot to watch game on Big Screen: $200 (+parking)
  • Prince (formerly known as Prince and also “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince) celeb party:  $1,500/ticket
  • Snoop Dog “Drop it like its hot” celeb party: $750/ticket
  • 1 60-second TV commercial: $3,000,000
  • New High Def TV to watch the game at MY house: $600 and up
  • Snacks and beer to watch game at MY house: $300
  • Towel or cheese chunk  headdress (depending on what team yer rooting for: $20

And it goes on and on, so what part of the Super Bowl can I afford?   By the way, THIS Little Johnny story IS true (kind of):

Little Johnny’s 4th grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, policeman, pilot, salesman, etc…
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
 
“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.”
 
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
 “No,” said Johnny, “My dad plays for the Green Bay Packers, but I was too embarrassed to say so.”What’s NOT real about this is:
  • This DIDN’T happen in 4th grade.  It happened only a few years ago while me and Pauly Causik and Micky Carrol were an our MBA program and Brett Favre was still the Packer’s QB
  • A little weenie, squirrelly guy we hung out with in class was the young nephew of Brett Favre – (We hung out with him for the same reason 1 average-looking girl hangs out with 4 fat girls – to make herself look like a 10.  Even WE looked GOOD around HIM.)

Squirrely Weenie Guy

  • Me, Pauly and Micky were Steelers fans and when we found out who this guy’s uncle was, the peer pressure was on!!!
  • We promised him $500 of Radio Shack coupons if he agreed to say this about his Uncle (we eventually reneged)
  • The professor DIDN’T really ask if he was ok.  Mr. Weenie went home with the class thinkin’ that he REALL DID have an uncle that was “an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.”           

It’s been a story we have retold MANY times when we drink and talk about how USELESS our MBA degrees are!!

So back to how I CAN afford the Super Bowl:

  • Super Bowl Eve: Gonna play my Prince and Snoop Dog CD’s
  • Invite some chubby girls over that will appreciate when I prance around in my Men’s Medium, 1975 Steelers Super Bowl IX Champs t-shirt.  Sure, it’s a little snug on my XL frame but the chubby girls think I look like Ricky Martin!
  • I’ve adapted some Rachel Ray game-day recipes to meet my budget– I’m toasting generic brand PopTarts, cutting them into finger squares, and placing a piece of government cheese and a black olive on them – colored toothpicks of course!
  • I’m selling my car so that I can buy enough Black Label beer for me, Micky Carrol and Pauly Causik.  Dirty Kurty might come over but he drinks light beer so we’ll take a few sips outta the cans and then fill them with water for him!
  • We  got some crazy video from a local volunteer fire department carnival of a girl running the Fishing Game with a tight fitting t-shirt on.  She was about 320 lbs so even a bed sheet woulda been snug on her!  We’re gonna use that video to produce our own GO-DADDY commercial for YouTube.  We’re gonna use Pay Pal to view it, 10 cents/view. 
  • I bought one of those Cheese Head hats – not cuz we like them but when those things are cubed, they make a GREAT LOOKING artificial snack tray!  Then we’ll put some of Aunt Ninny’s plastic fruit on it too!

  • To see the game, Gary Hardballs is bringin’ over his cable TV-steeling machine.  We figure it’s safe cuz all the cable police will be getting’ drunk watchin’ the game anyway!
  • We MIGHT get crazy enough to take photos of our genitals and text to people we know.  We’ll FORCE them to sue us and then agree to split the profits!

Whadda you doing for the Super Bowl???

Workplace Bowel Habits

I’m sorry but this week’s posting is of a FECAL MATTER!  But I am curious to know if you’re one of those that’s able to take care of ol’ body function “Number 2” at yer work place?  I CANNOT!!!  I can’t stand POTENTIALLY being identified as the person that left the restroom smellin’ worse then a Snookie gynecology appointment. 

Due to my raging restroom paranoia, I came up with a plan for emergency bowel issues while at work: a secret set of “poop shoes” — a “special” pair of shoes that you smuggle into the bathroom and use for those times when ya just can wiggle yer leg or squeeze yer butt cheeks any tighter. 

Think of it, the last time when you went to a bathroom, ladies or guys, and you smelled an AWFUL stench.  You looked around at the stalls trying to figure out if someone was unloading or if the FBI had just found Jimmy Hoffa in stall #3!  And you saw their shoes AND RECOGINZED WHO in the workplace needed to eat some “SOAPWORD” potpourri.

With the “poop shoes” nobody will know it’s YOU in the stall!  Simply smuggle the pair of “poop shoes” into the bathroom when nature calls.  Quickly slip on the “poop shoes” before you sit down then let ‘er rip!  When someone comes into the restroom and hears ya writhing in pain or your bellowing “gas echo” and looks under the stall to see “who dat?” they will see your “poop shoes.”  (HINT: this doesn’t work if you wear one-of-a-kind argyle socks.)

When the mission is complete, you simply exit the stall while the restroom is empty – put on your REAL shoes and smuggle your “poop shoes” back to your office or cubicle.  GENIOUS!!!

But then again, people should just mind their own business, I guess.  There’s a joke where I supposedly told a guy to mind his business.

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.  After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”

Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, got that old by minding his own SOAPWORD business!”

My grandfather DID NOT live to be 107!!!  He did live to be old though and I don’t remember even ONE DAY when he minded his own business.  He told EVERYONE exactly what he thought – no matter WHO they were or WHERE they were.  Being retired, he used to go to WalMart, put one of their full-length mirrors in a cart,  and casually push it around the store for the day.  When he saw someone like this guy, he would IMPOLITELY suggest that the guy purchase the mirror and then proceed to itemize  why in Joan Rivers style.

On another note, about the candy bars, one day in about the 7th grade (ya know, the stage in life when poopin’ and makin’ it STINK was a funny thing) Dicky Dickson and Durty Kurty were in side-by-side stalls of the school LAVATORY.  Dirty Kurty had just eaten 10 Mallow Cups for breakfast and was sounding like a dozen of 18-wheelers comin’ down a 45-degree hill with their jake brakes!  It was soooooo bad that I remember our Sister Beechaknuckle  running out of her class room, which was next to the boys room telling everyone to get under a doorway cuz  her seismograph activated!

Dicky Dickson had a dangler that he couldn’t pinch and Durty Kurty waited him out but REFUSED to do a “courtesy flush.”  It ended up that both of them missed their next class, going to the school nurse thinking that they both had gotten Polio.  Ya see, they had sat on the toilet and dangled their legs for soooooooo long their legs fell asleep.  Ya shoulda seen them dragging themselves to the nurse’s office!!!!

Ok…until next week. (Click here to see the rule on “wipe before you type” in the BR)

Mini-Post of the Week, Scratch and Dent Casket

One of my funeral director friends is having a “scratch and dent” casket sale. Let me know if you need his contact info. His place puts the “fun” in funeral.

(Thanks to Dirty Kurty for this one.)

One More Back-to-School Story

So this is another “back-to-school” special since some kids are just going back to school this week too.  Besides, there are more “Little Johnny-in-school” jokes than there are “Tiger Woods with hookers” jokes!  That may seem hard to believe but, then again, jokes about “Little Johnny” have been around a lot longer.  There’s actually an historical account of Jesus telling a Little Johnny joke.  It didn’t have any “soap words” in it, of course, and it starts off with “So Little Saint Johnny was in school….”

BTW, do you think Tiger will call me to find out how to start a blog on refuting jokes about your life?  I stand ready to help in exchange for free golf lessons and a Nike sponsorship for my blog.  HINT: If you’re one of those web domain real-estate magnets, you might want to invest heavily in every configuration of  “IamTiger.com” cuz I see that being HUUUUUUGE now that Elin is in People Mag!

 Ok, so here’s the story about Little Johnny in school:

Little Johnny’s fourth grade teacher was doing a word review in class.  She asked the kids to use the word URINATE in a sentence.   Little Johnny is in the back of his hand WAVING FURIOUSLY to answer.  The teacher is afraid to call on him.  She calls on Sara.

Sara says, “When I have to go to the bathroom, I say I have to URINATE.”

The teacher gives kudos to Sara as Little Johnny continues to wave his hand in the back of the room. 

The teacher figures, how bad can it be?  What possibly could Little Johnny come up with that’s so bad with the word URINATE.  So she calls on him.  “Little Johnny, can you please use URINATE in a sentence.”

Little Johnny says, “I certainly can, “Teach, You’re an eight.  But if your “soap words” were bigger, you’d be a 10!

First things first, MY fourth grade teacher was a guy!  But our music teacher that year WAS a female and was DEFINITELY and 8 on my scale.  She was so well-gifted in the “sweater kitten” area, that, if she was in her 20’s NOW, people would be saying she got that way from all of the hormones in milk and beef!!!  LOTS OF IT!!!!

While I thought our music teacher was an 8, she was a 10 in my friend, Dirty Kurty’s mind.  Dirty Kurty used to drop his lunch on the floor when she was walking by just so he could look down her blouse when she bent over to pick it up for him.  Sometimes he would toss his PB&J sandwich, peanut butter side DOWN so that she would have to bend over for a long time to wipe it all up!!!  But ya don’t see any “Dirty Kurty” jokes. 

(Photo of Dirty Kirty in 1st Grade)

Dirty Kurty was so full of testosterone in 4th grade that he got “Pinocchio Pants” if a nun accidentally flashed some ankle!  (Author’s Note: Until recently, Dirty Kurty was working for Tiger Woods.)   

Here’s another thing.  I NEVER had the chance to sit in the back of ANY class.

I mentioned in last week’s blog that I went to a Catholic grade school.  Every student was seated according to alphabetical order.  My last name began with one of the first letters in the alphabet so I sat toward the front of the class all 8 years of my Catholic school incarceration.  Yeah, so the back of MY head collected all of the under thrown spitballs and gum!

In all honesty, in 4th grade, I had no idea that the word URINATE even existed.  When I had to URINATE, I did what eveEVERY OTHER 4th grade boy did.   I pinched my “weiner” and crossed my legs and wiggled around until a little trickle came out, then I panicked.  ONLY THEN did I raise my hand FURIOUSLY cuz I had to “TINKLE”!!  Then I pinched and gently, BUT QUICKLY, wiggled myself to the bathroom.

Post a comment if you pee’d your pants in grade school.  I know I’m not the only one!

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