Category Archives: Little Johnny Selling Toothbrushes

It’s Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month

Hey, it’s March and that means its Colorectal Awareness Month.  After yer done making silly jokes like, “Oh yeah? Up YOURS!” or “I go get a prostate check cuz, with my $20 co-pay, it’s cheaper than a hooker.” Or “Ahhh blow it out your SOAPWORD” Click here for info on how to get early check-ups!

Meantime, I’m workin’ on an easy-to-use colon cancer test with my favorite gastroenterologist Dr. Lou Stool. 

Ya see, there’s this thing called a Hemoccult Test.  A hemoccult test is done to check if you have any signs of bleeding in your poop.  You smear a little of your poop on a card, then send it off to a lab to be checked. 

Well, BRIALLIANCY has struck!.  I am developing a cross-platform (iPhone and Android) application for hemoccult tests.  Yeah. You got it.  Take a poop, get a little smear on yer finger (it happens naturally when yer using that cheapy toilet paper at work).  Then smear the poop on yer phone screen.  VOILA!!!  Within seconds you get yer results!

The secondary benefit to this app is that, once yer friends know you have the app, NOBODY ever asks to borrow yer phone  again!  By the way, here’s a story on how I SUPPOSEDLY made money as a Little Johnny.

Little Johnny’s 6th  grade teacher asked kids to demonstrate “salesmanship skills” over the weekend and report back on Monday morning.
Monday morning in class, Little Sally started: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30. My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.

 Little Jenny was next:

“I sold magazines,” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath …

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467,” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes,” echoed the teacher.”How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

Little Johnny said, “I found the busiest corner in town and I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”  All of the customers said, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!”

Then I would say,”It IS dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?”

Looky here, we were sinister in school but we weren’t evil enough to make people eat poop.  But one day in the 4th grade, Micky Carol brought some of his Uncle Sammy’s toe-nail clippings into school.  Ya see, At summer picnics, we would see Uncle Sammy’s toe-nails tearing through his black socks that he wore with his sandals.  Those toe-nails looked like CORN CHIPS! 


Anyway, we sprinkled Uncle Sammy’s toe-nail clippings over Sister Concessa’s lunch salad.  As we ate OUR cheese sandwiches out of Scooby-Doo lunch boxes, we almost pee’d our pants watching her munch that salad and, every once in a while, pulling something from her teeth then sticking it back in her mouth for a re-CHEW!!!  We laughed SO HARD the one time, Micky farted out loud and got sent to the principal’s office for acting like a “farm animal.”

Ok.. seriously, get that colon checked!!!  But don’t send me photos or videos!  I’d rather see Katie Couric’s colonoscopy videos!

By the way, if ya do yer hemoccult test at work, click here to read about my “poop shoe” invention first.

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