Category Archives: Little Johnny Tells on His Dad

Holly Madison Engaged!

Yep, you heard it here first.  Me, Little Johnny (not my real name), and Holly Madison (seriously doubt that’s HER real name either) are announcing our engagement.  We plan to marry later this year which SHOULD give Holly time to read this and realize that her and I are hookin’ up!

And why not?  She shacked up with Hef and all he has in his pants these days is a urinary catheter inserted into the “Ken Doll Lump” between his legs.

OK, so this is not REAL.  But then again, nothin’ about Holly Madison is real.  Me, I may have a fake name but at least MY BOOBS flatten out when I lay on my back.  I just want MORE hits on my blog.

That’s all people do anymore is announce that they are gonna be married to someone famous and the next thing ya know, they get a blog, a website a spot on a dancing show AND their own Reality TV show of knucklehead frineds.  What happened to the good ol’ days when we had REAL TALENT on TV like “Who’s The Boss” and shows like “ALF?”

Of course, like Holly Madison, if ya live through a marriage and get divorced, you can get an even better TV show – maybe one that’s on a cable network channel LOWER than 570! 

I gotta tell ya, in people that I CONSIDERED announcing an engagement to, I did actually consider Hugh Heffner!  Imagine his surprise when he finds out I don’t man-scape!  Seriously, could you imagine what that would do for my website hits? And the shopping trips……..WHOAAAAA!

Another person I thought about hookin’ up with was that guy “Lenny from the Today Show.”  The guy’s a PLAYA!!!  And he could hook me up with some “” signage during a Friday Morning Concert. BOOM! One-million hits INSTANTLY!

Nope!  Not gay nor do I have a BROmance  happenin’.  I want more hits on my blog and people like Holly Madison who can’t even SPELL the words, “web site” get’em.  I just need a little controversy to stir things up.

Now here’s some Little Johnny “controversy:”

Little Johnny sees his Dad’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees his Dad and Aunt Jane kissing.  

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.  “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff did when Daddy was on his last business trip.”

Ah, see CONTRAVERSY!!!!  Gotta tell ya – NEVER HAPPENED.  But I DID see my dad sneak into the woods every so often to smoke a cigar.  My mom HATED cigars.  And one day my mom smelled smoke on my dad’s clothes.  So the next time he went out to “take a walk” she was prepared.  She had loaded the front of his secretly stashed cigar with the tips from a SPARKLER and an M-80 fire cracker. 

As soon as dad lit up in the woods, ya thought the Fourth of July started. Sparks flyin’, puffs of smoke, BANG, BANG! 

Scared my dad soooo bad that ya couldn’t smell the smoke cuz of the overriding odor of the bladder and bowel incontinence he had experienced as he lept out of the woods like a circus clown!!!  To THIS day, he still thinks I did that!

Back to my engagement with Holly Madison – yeah, it’s about as silly as Kourtney Kardashian bein’ on the cover of Parent Magazine!  Next week, it’ll be me and Holly Madison on the cover of The Christian Science Monitor promoting the sanctity of marriage!

How far will YOU go to increase your blog hits??????

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