Category Archives: Little Johnny’s Sister Has A Vibrator

Little Johnny – Girl Scout Cookie and Diet Book Edition

Girl Scout cookies are almost gone!!!  Uh, oh, shoulda put some in the freezer!!!

I ate them all watching all of the episodes of NBC’s “The Biggest Loser!”  Yeppir, while I was watching those heavies get yelled at by the coaches, I was downing a sleave of Thin Mints or a row of Samoas per episode WITH a glass or two of milk! 

As a matter of fact, the more the coaches yelled, the more anxious I would get and I’d tap into the first couple of coookies from the next  sleeve or row!!!  And ya KNOW ya can’t EVER leave behind a partial sleeve or row of Girl Scout cookies!!! 

Get this: after the “Biggest Loser” show was over, I would feel guilty and go a little more healthy – I would back off the heavy cookies and eat of few Trefoils (shortbread).  Hey, they have no icing!  Guilt be gone!!!!

But what in the “SOAPWORD” am I gonna do?  I didn’t stash any cookies away for the long, hot SUMMER!!!  (And those Thin Mints are DEEE-lish frozen). 

I think I’m gonna pass the time by writing a Little Johnny diet book.  Diet books ALWAYS make MONEY.  Here’s how it would go:

Forward: By Jack LaLane’s Ghost Writer (Really a ghost)

Chapter 1: Don’t Eat that 5th Slice of Pizza!

Chapter 2:  Why Did You Eat the 5th Pizza? (Subtitle – Why Are You Even Reading This Book If Yer Not Gonna Listen?)

Chapter 3:  No More Snacking After 9 (A.M. that is!)

Chapter 4: Put Down the Remote and GET UP To Change the Channel Chubbins

Chapter 5: Take Yer Clothes Off of the Treadmill, You Lazy Son-of-A-“Soapword”

Chapter 6: Have Some Pride, Step On Your Own Scale and Stand In Front Of Your Own Mirror!

Closing Remarks (one sentence):  JUST PUSH AWAY FROM THE  “SOAPWORD’in” TABLE!!!

Speaking of eating, here’s a Little Johnny joke about that topic.

A teacher asked her class to name things that ended with ‘tor’ that ate things.

The first little boy said, “Alligator.”
“Very good James, that’s a big word.”

The second boy said, “Predator.”

“Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.”

Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”

After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”

“Well my sister has one and she says it eats “SOAPWORD” batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”

Look, I don’t know ANYTHING about that story.  But I do remember that one of Dicky Dickson’s and Pauly Causik’s neighbor’s was a crazy 50-year old lady.  She lived in a second floor apartment above the local ice cream store.  She would always blow us kisses from her apartment window.

When we were downing our ice cream, we would hear all kinds of moaning and buzzing noises –  we thought her place was a dentist’s office!  We saw her buy new car batteries every month – AND SHE DIDN’T OWN A CAR!!  We never had proof on her, but Dicky Dickson would tell us stories about seeing his Christmas Tree lights dim and within minutes, he’d hear her yellin’ like a WalMart regular at a wrestling match!

After the lady died, her son gave us $5o bucks a piece to help clean out the apartment.  We couldn’t wait to get in there and be the first one to find the box of “crazy toys.”  As it turns out, here’s what we found.

One of those old-time weight loss machines!  Like ya always say, sometimes the fantasy is better than reality!!!! 

Can you believe people actually thought ya’d lose weight with these things?  Well, maybe so if ya use it right after ya eat to shake yer full stomach until ya puke as if yer looking at a naked photo of Amy Winehouse!

By the way, be sure to check out the older post about why I think the adult toy manufacuterers should make kids’ toys: Click Here

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