Category Archives: Map Reading
Since I did such a great job interviewing Charlie Sheen back in March, (read entire interview here) Donald Trump’s apprentice manager, of his non-existing-presidential-campaign, asked me to interview The Donald.
By the way, there was one stipulation to the interview: Do not ask about or refer to his hair.
Being folliclly challenged myself, I had no quams. However, I was nervous that my eyes would constantly gravitate to his hair during the interview so I planned on picturing him with big boobs and cleavage so I would have something to stare at.
Here’s a transcript of my Donald Trump interview.
ME: Thanks for meeting me hair, um, (throat clear) HERE today. What is your favorite Broadway play?
(dead silence on my part – beads of sweat begin to emerge)
ME: Well, um, (throat clear), good. I saw that you were interviewed by George Stephanopoulos. He gave you a pretty tough time about the whole Obama birth certificate issue.
TRUMP: Hey, so he may think he won that, but campaigning is not a sprint, it’s a marathon, did you ever see the story of the “Tortoise and the Hare?”
(more dead silence on my part and now I’m wishing I had some Gas X and TUMS) .
ME: Sir, do you know that you keep doing that?
TRUMP: Keep doing what?
ME: Nothing, nothing. Let’s move on. I saw the photos of your newly redecorated office. It looks very lavish. Will you want to redecorate the White House if you move into it?
TRUMP: Hey, I buy lavish stuff with MY money, not the governments. Actually, quite frankly, with how much taxes I pay, most of the government money IS mine. But I won’t be like that. For the White House, I just want the carpet to match the drapes!
ME: Is that a hair reference?
TRUMP: Pardon me?
ME: Never mind. Do you have a favorite Little Johnny joke?
TRUMP: A what?
ME: You know, a Little Johnny joke. That’s what we do here, we REFUTE the Little Johnny jokes, ya know, tell the REAL story.
TRUMP: Do people actually tell jokes using names other than TRUMP? If so, let me know, I’ll buy the rights to them and force them to have MY name inserted into all of them.
ME: Oh, I almost forgot. If you were President, what would you do with Muammar Gaddafi?
TRUMP: I don’t care about him. We’ll take him out easily. We’re currently the laughing stock of the world over this. This is business. I will offer him asylum on the NBC Apprentice Show. I’ll put him in a room with Gary Busey. He’ll flip his wig!.
ME: So here’s an example of a Little Johnny joke:
The teacher of an earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?”
After a loooooong confused silence of kids staring at each other, Little Johnny shouted, “I guess you’d be eating alone.
TRUMP: See, I hate what’s happening to this country? Every kid should have a GPS unit!
ME: But wait, the story isn’t true. Our earth science teacher in 5th grade was EXTREMELY hot. Me and my friend Dirty Kurty used to flip coins over who would marry her someday. One day we were going over maps and Dirty Kurty thought he was gonna get a leg up on me in the relationship when he complemented the teacher, who was wearing a dress that day, about the “MINK STOCKINGS” she was wearing. As it turned out, she had not shaved her legs, probably for most of the winter, and lotsa wirey hairs were sticking through her stockings!!! He had a GREAT time eating lunch, ALONE, while the rest of us were out for recess!
TRUMP: Was that a “hair reference?”
ME: No, um, I, um….
TRUMP: Little Johnny, YOU’RE FIRED!
NOTE: Celebrity Voices Impersonated
See “CHARLEY SHEEN” Interview HERE!
See The Story About CRAZY Grade School Names HERE
Little Johnny Joke Source HERE