Category Archives: NFL

How Can I Afford the Super Bowl?

Ok, so, unless yer under a rock the size of Gibraltar, you know that there is a big football game that most of the Western Hemisphere (and third world countries who receive the mis-printed t-shirts) shuts down for.  In the meantime, there’s some kind of news about how bad the U.S. economy is including something about lots of people being out of work.  That said, here are some costs of associated with the “big game:”

  • Basic game ticket by itself: $2,000 and up
  • Hotel and game ticket package: $3500 and up
  • Parking your car in the Dallas area: $500/day and up
  • A hat announcing my fav team’s conference title: $30 (note, this will be a wasted $30 if my fav team becomes the Super Bowl champs cuz then I’ll need the $40 Super Bowl “locker room” hat that’s better than just a Conference Champ hat)
  • Seat in some Dallas parking lot to watch game on Big Screen: $200 (+parking)
  • Prince (formerly known as Prince and also “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince) celeb party:  $1,500/ticket
  • Snoop Dog “Drop it like its hot” celeb party: $750/ticket
  • 1 60-second TV commercial: $3,000,000
  • New High Def TV to watch the game at MY house: $600 and up
  • Snacks and beer to watch game at MY house: $300
  • Towel or cheese chunk  headdress (depending on what team yer rooting for: $20

And it goes on and on, so what part of the Super Bowl can I afford?   By the way, THIS Little Johnny story IS true (kind of):

Little Johnny’s 4th grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, policeman, pilot, salesman, etc…
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
 “No,” said Johnny, “My dad plays for the Green Bay Packers, but I was too embarrassed to say so.”What’s NOT real about this is:
  • This DIDN’T happen in 4th grade.  It happened only a few years ago while me and Pauly Causik and Micky Carrol were an our MBA program and Brett Favre was still the Packer’s QB
  • A little weenie, squirrelly guy we hung out with in class was the young nephew of Brett Favre – (We hung out with him for the same reason 1 average-looking girl hangs out with 4 fat girls – to make herself look like a 10.  Even WE looked GOOD around HIM.)

Squirrely Weenie Guy

  • Me, Pauly and Micky were Steelers fans and when we found out who this guy’s uncle was, the peer pressure was on!!!
  • We promised him $500 of Radio Shack coupons if he agreed to say this about his Uncle (we eventually reneged)
  • The professor DIDN’T really ask if he was ok.  Mr. Weenie went home with the class thinkin’ that he REALL DID have an uncle that was “an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.”           

It’s been a story we have retold MANY times when we drink and talk about how USELESS our MBA degrees are!!

So back to how I CAN afford the Super Bowl:

  • Super Bowl Eve: Gonna play my Prince and Snoop Dog CD’s
  • Invite some chubby girls over that will appreciate when I prance around in my Men’s Medium, 1975 Steelers Super Bowl IX Champs t-shirt.  Sure, it’s a little snug on my XL frame but the chubby girls think I look like Ricky Martin!
  • I’ve adapted some Rachel Ray game-day recipes to meet my budget– I’m toasting generic brand PopTarts, cutting them into finger squares, and placing a piece of government cheese and a black olive on them – colored toothpicks of course!
  • I’m selling my car so that I can buy enough Black Label beer for me, Micky Carrol and Pauly Causik.  Dirty Kurty might come over but he drinks light beer so we’ll take a few sips outta the cans and then fill them with water for him!
  • We  got some crazy video from a local volunteer fire department carnival of a girl running the Fishing Game with a tight fitting t-shirt on.  She was about 320 lbs so even a bed sheet woulda been snug on her!  We’re gonna use that video to produce our own GO-DADDY commercial for YouTube.  We’re gonna use Pay Pal to view it, 10 cents/view. 
  • I bought one of those Cheese Head hats – not cuz we like them but when those things are cubed, they make a GREAT LOOKING artificial snack tray!  Then we’ll put some of Aunt Ninny’s plastic fruit on it too!

  • To see the game, Gary Hardballs is bringin’ over his cable TV-steeling machine.  We figure it’s safe cuz all the cable police will be getting’ drunk watchin’ the game anyway!
  • We MIGHT get crazy enough to take photos of our genitals and text to people we know.  We’ll FORCE them to sue us and then agree to split the profits!

Whadda you doing for the Super Bowl???


Chocolate Cookies and Apples and the NFL

Whoooaaaa! The NFL has fined some players for making TOO HARD of hits in a football game. 


I know everyone hates those, “when we were little” statements BUT when I was Little Johnny, we played tackle football with no pads in old muddy, stump-filled fields and broken concrete school yards.  If we tore a limb off, we had our buddies duct tape and staple it back on cuz we KNEW that, if one of us went home with a torn off arm or leg, our mothers would BEAT US with it and send us to our room to “think about what we had done!!!!” 

By the way, did you see the NFL guys that were fined?  James Harrison’s so intimidating that I wouldn’t throw him the middle finger from a half-mile away if I was an Olympic sprinter.  In the meantime, the NFL Comish’ner gives the guy a $75,000 fine which is like giving Harrison TWO middle fingers, takin’ yer socks off and givin’em two middle toes too! 


So all the boys will be sitting in a sports bar watchin’ the game on the big screen.  I can see it now.  INSTEAD of everyone watching some bone CRRRRUNCHING hit and yelling, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh SOAPWORD!!  Did you SOAPWORDing see that?”  they’ll all watch a play and yell things like, “Ohhhhhhhh, SOAPWORD, when I use the win probability model to evaluate 4th down decisions, I’m doing SOAPWORDing prescriptive analysis!!!! 

It’ll be like goin’ to see an Amish boxing match!  MORE BEERS PLEASE (Lots more, we’re gonna need’em!)

Here’s the weird thing, when I see the pics of James Harrison I am instantly reminded of our Catholic school principal, Sister Bartholemew.  They’re built EXACTLY the same.  Sister Bartholemew’s most intimidating feature was a wart on her chin that had so much wiry black hair stickin’ out of it that I thought she had a baby porcupine stuck to her face.   

As usual, talking about Catholic school, leads me to another Little Johnny joke which is about as Bull-SOAPWORD as the new NFL rules:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chips cookies.

Little Johnny put a note there, “Take all you want.  God is watching the apples.”

This Little Johnny story is EASY to off.  When I was in Catholic elementary school, there was no cafeteria.  I ate my lunch out of a metal Lee Majors lunch box and matching thermos.

Here’s another thing, we feared ol’ Sister Bartholemew more than we feared the good Lord himself.  God was SUPPOSED to have a beard but Sister Bart had a better one!!  So that fact that there was a note from God on the apples meant nothing.  The fact that Sister Bartholomew guarded the apples and cookies in a Defensive Lineman stance and blew steam from her nostrils (even on hot days) was REAL the intimidating factor. 

Finally, I do admit to taking about 10 cookies one day during school snack time.  The fact is, I didn’t get to eat all of cookies that day so I put them in my pants pockets.  Guess where those chocolate chips ended up?  Yep, my mom’s washer and dryer.  Guess what my punishment was?  She ripped one of my limbs off, beat me with it and then sent me to my room to think about what I had done.

 BTW, credit to the Little Johnny joke this week goes to:


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