Category Archives: Pop Tarts

How Can I Afford the Super Bowl?

Ok, so, unless yer under a rock the size of Gibraltar, you know that there is a big football game that most of the Western Hemisphere (and third world countries who receive the mis-printed t-shirts) shuts down for.  In the meantime, there’s some kind of news about how bad the U.S. economy is including something about lots of people being out of work.  That said, here are some costs of associated with the “big game:”

  • Basic game ticket by itself: $2,000 and up
  • Hotel and game ticket package: $3500 and up
  • Parking your car in the Dallas area: $500/day and up
  • A hat announcing my fav team’s conference title: $30 (note, this will be a wasted $30 if my fav team becomes the Super Bowl champs cuz then I’ll need the $40 Super Bowl “locker room” hat that’s better than just a Conference Champ hat)
  • Seat in some Dallas parking lot to watch game on Big Screen: $200 (+parking)
  • Prince (formerly known as Prince and also “The Artist Formerly Known As Prince) celeb party:  $1,500/ticket
  • Snoop Dog “Drop it like its hot” celeb party: $750/ticket
  • 1 60-second TV commercial: $3,000,000
  • New High Def TV to watch the game at MY house: $600 and up
  • Snacks and beer to watch game at MY house: $300
  • Towel or cheese chunk  headdress (depending on what team yer rooting for: $20

And it goes on and on, so what part of the Super Bowl can I afford?   By the way, THIS Little Johnny story IS true (kind of):

Little Johnny’s 4th grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up — fireman, policeman, pilot, salesman, etc…
Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
 
“My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money.”
 
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”
 “No,” said Johnny, “My dad plays for the Green Bay Packers, but I was too embarrassed to say so.”What’s NOT real about this is:
  • This DIDN’T happen in 4th grade.  It happened only a few years ago while me and Pauly Causik and Micky Carrol were an our MBA program and Brett Favre was still the Packer’s QB
  • A little weenie, squirrelly guy we hung out with in class was the young nephew of Brett Favre – (We hung out with him for the same reason 1 average-looking girl hangs out with 4 fat girls – to make herself look like a 10.  Even WE looked GOOD around HIM.)

Squirrely Weenie Guy

  • Me, Pauly and Micky were Steelers fans and when we found out who this guy’s uncle was, the peer pressure was on!!!
  • We promised him $500 of Radio Shack coupons if he agreed to say this about his Uncle (we eventually reneged)
  • The professor DIDN’T really ask if he was ok.  Mr. Weenie went home with the class thinkin’ that he REALL DID have an uncle that was “an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.”           

It’s been a story we have retold MANY times when we drink and talk about how USELESS our MBA degrees are!!

So back to how I CAN afford the Super Bowl:

  • Super Bowl Eve: Gonna play my Prince and Snoop Dog CD’s
  • Invite some chubby girls over that will appreciate when I prance around in my Men’s Medium, 1975 Steelers Super Bowl IX Champs t-shirt.  Sure, it’s a little snug on my XL frame but the chubby girls think I look like Ricky Martin!
  • I’ve adapted some Rachel Ray game-day recipes to meet my budget– I’m toasting generic brand PopTarts, cutting them into finger squares, and placing a piece of government cheese and a black olive on them – colored toothpicks of course!
  • I’m selling my car so that I can buy enough Black Label beer for me, Micky Carrol and Pauly Causik.  Dirty Kurty might come over but he drinks light beer so we’ll take a few sips outta the cans and then fill them with water for him!
  • We  got some crazy video from a local volunteer fire department carnival of a girl running the Fishing Game with a tight fitting t-shirt on.  She was about 320 lbs so even a bed sheet woulda been snug on her!  We’re gonna use that video to produce our own GO-DADDY commercial for YouTube.  We’re gonna use Pay Pal to view it, 10 cents/view. 
  • I bought one of those Cheese Head hats – not cuz we like them but when those things are cubed, they make a GREAT LOOKING artificial snack tray!  Then we’ll put some of Aunt Ninny’s plastic fruit on it too!

  • To see the game, Gary Hardballs is bringin’ over his cable TV-steeling machine.  We figure it’s safe cuz all the cable police will be getting’ drunk watchin’ the game anyway!
  • We MIGHT get crazy enough to take photos of our genitals and text to people we know.  We’ll FORCE them to sue us and then agree to split the profits!

Whadda you doing for the Super Bowl???

Little Johnny Back-to-School Special

So it’s back to school time!!!  And here’s a “back to school SPECIAL” Little Johnny posting.  I had a hard time sifting through all of the Little Johnny in-school propaganda.  There are almost as many stories that start with “little Johnny was in school” than there are “soap words” in an EMINEM song! 

By the way, have you seen the “new” PopTarts that aren’t REALLY new?  Every day before school I used to eat a pack of my FAV PopTarts, Vanilla PopTarts (chocolate pastry, vanilla cream filling with a white icing speckled with chocolate sprinkles).   As an adult, they were STILL my favorite.  Suddenly they went “D.B Cooper” on me a few months ago.  Couldn’t find them anywhere! 

 This week, with the announcement of the new PopTart Store in Manhattan, guess what I found?  A “New Flavor” Ice Cream Sandwich PopTarts!  They are the exact same thing as the long lost Vanilla PopTarts.  I’m back in business for a quickie breakfast WITHOUT eating those gas-causing oatmeal bars.

I’m thinkin’ that the same person who thought it to be GENIUS to remove the Vanilla PopTarts from the shelves is sitting on the curb collecting unemployment along side the person that thought it was a great idea to change a 99 year old Coke recipe 25 years ago.   Get ready for yer NEXT JOB.  Repeat after me, “Would ya like fries with that, sir?” 

OK, a back to school joke:

Little Johnny gets transferred to a catholic school from a Jewish private school because he wasn’t doing well enough in math.

Within 2 weeks, Johnny is getting straight A’s on all of his math homework and quizzes.

Johnny’s parents can’t believe the dramatic change.  So they met with the teachers who explained that Johnny had been very attentive in math class since day one.

So Johnny’s parents asked him, “why are you doing so well in math all of the sudden?”

Johnny said, “Well, when I looked up on every classroom wall, and saw that naked guy hanging from a PLUS SIGN, I knew these people were SERIOUS about math.  So I paid attention.”

By the way, I am dunking a toasted PopTart in milk while I am writing this!  My keyboard’s a mess but I got hungry for one while I was writing about them!

So the back-to-school story above puts me first in a Jewish school, transferring to a Catholic school.  Not true!  My parents were more brutal than that.  I did HARD time.  They put me in Catholic school all the way to the 8th grade!!!  My principal was Sister Mary Stalag the 13th

 The other thing is I was a math whiz from early on.  That’s cuz every time Sister Anecita hosted detention, she made us do long-handed division and multiplication problems like, 1,563,413 ÷ 206,794.  And you had to show all your work.  I knew math better than Donald Trump’s bankruptcy attorney.

One final note.  About me not knowing the difference between a crucifix and a naked guy hanging on a plus sign for not knowing his math homework…can we give Johnny SOME credit for having at least an average I.Q. as a kid?  I mean, at THAT age, I even knew that Mr. Rogers didn’t’ REALLY talk to the trolley and, while I DIDN’T know why, I knew that Big Bird was using Mr. Snuffleupagus as a SCAPEGOAT in a very scandalous, soap opera, kind of way.

By the way, ya know who SHOULD hang from a plus sign naked?  They guy who cancelled the production of Vanilla PopTarts a few months ago!

%d bloggers like this: