Category Archives: School
Like every other classless, looking-for-ratings, media slut – I sold my soul to get an interview with Charlie Sheen!!! He was a LITTLE hesitant because my wife’s initials are C.B.S.BUT when he realized that the network was not named after her, he was VERY obliging! See the transcription of our interview below:
ME: Charlie, I feel for you. Everyone is talking “SOAPWORD” about you being a bad dude. I’ve lived the same life being known as “Little Johnny.” Everyone thinks I’m bad. How does that make you feel?”
CHARLIE SHEEN: Well, DUH! Like a winner! It’s not like I’m gonna join twitter, write a stupid blog and try to capitalize on my situation though. I’m not really into SHAMELESS MEDIA PLOYS!
ME: How do you get on all of these TV shows? Do you sleep at the doors of these TV stations and barge in, first thing in the morning, like a CRAZED WalMart Day-After-Christmas-Electronics Sales?
CHARLIE SHEEN: Do you have ANY idea who you are talking to? I dare YOU and Walmart to keep up with me. The only thing I know about WalMart is that, when I’ve hallucinated I’ve seen THOUSANDS of WalMart shoppers WITH TEETH and actually dressed in NORMAL CLOTHES – it’s “SOAPWORD’n” FREAKY!
ME: Charlie, do you understand what Muammar Gaddafi is saying in his recent rants?
CHARLIE SHEEN: Oh, yeah. We’re BOTH Vatican Assasins. There’s a new sheriff in town and, like me, Gaddafi has an army of assassins. I’m just a HELLUVA lot better looking than that crater face is. By the time I get done with Gaddafi, the country will be called LABIA! One of my favorite “parts” of the world.
ME: What is your favorite Little Johnny joke?
CHARLIE: I don’t care because if they don’t mention me then they are not worth a “SOAPWORD.” And what is it with this “SOAPWORD” stuff? Are you too much of a weenie to be a REAL MAN and use the language of the TIGER????
ME: Have you ever told a Little Johnny joke?
CHARLIE: Yes, and if you are gonna press me on this than I guess I can tell one:
“TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Little Johnny, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LITTLE JOHNNY: Because George still had the axe in his hand.”
(We both chuckle nervously)
ME: Wow, that’s one I haven’t heard for a while! But that story isn’t really true ya know. None of those Little Johnny jokes are. My teacher did ask me once about how honest George Washington was when asked about the Cherry Tree…
CHARLIE SHEEN: Wait! The ONLY reason George Washington chopped down the cherry tree is because he was bangin’ seven-gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how he and I roll. George Washington was an F-18 long before the number 18 was invented. Notice it wasn’t Thomas Jefferson with an axe, he was a “SOAPWORD.”
ME: Well, I need to explain my REAL story cuz that’s what I do here..
CHARLIE SHEEN: No! By the time I get done with you, this blog is going to be called “Little Charlie & Brothers.” By the way, did you see Kirk Douglas on the Oscars? That Mother “SOAPWORD’s” ear lobes? I think he’s been GUAGING!
ME: Do you have an i-Pad2?
CHARLIE SHEEN: DUH! They’re gonna wanna pay me $3 million to promote the i-Pad2. By the time I get done with it their gonna call it the CHARLIE Pad!
ME: Our time is up, I hope you’ll be o.k.
CHARLIE SHEEN: Hope is for suckers and fools!
ME: Can I get a duo interview with “voice vagrant” Ted Williams? I need ratings.
CHARLIE SHEEN: I don’t know, he was kind of outta control when HE was on TV — saying crazy things like “MOMMY, MOMMY, MOMMY, I LOVE YOU MOMMY.” Does he have tiger blood and Adonis DNA?
The interview was over after this because JUST THEN Charlie started to rant nonsensical ramblings as opposed to his coherent thoughts above!
See ya next Friday after, like my other high-integrity media colleagues, I find some OTHER self-destructive person to jump on the coat tails of as they ride the crazy-train to HELL!
NOTE: Celebrity Voices Impersonated; Quotes taken from: AOLNews.com
See another Little Johnny “CHARLEY SHEEN” related post HERE!
See my OTHER shameless ratings ploys HERE!
In a previous Mini-Post, I listed things that are no longer needed but here’s somethin’ else, EVEN BIGGER, that I don’t know what to do with: An entire kitchen wall!!
A wall? Yep! Why is this wall no longer needed, you say? Cuz it used to hold a big wall calendar with HUGE date boxes so that everyone in the family could write in their schedules. Now I have to send an e-vite to 5 people just to let everyone know when vacation is.
I don’t miss the calendar – it was just some kind of free calendar from the local bank that had more generic pictures than those stupid urinary catheter ads that are popping up all over the internet. By the way, are there THAT many people that can’t pee suddenly or is this a key component to some new college party device?
This wall also held something from waaaaaaaaaaay back in early 2010’s. Something we old folk called a “house phone.” No, it wasn’t one with a crank like Lassie used when he called the operator and barked in doggie-code that “Timmy was stuck in the well.” We just no longer need a house phone cuz the only calls we get on it are Indian guys named Michael or Fred calling to tell me how bad the OTHER cable TV company SUCKS (despite that fact that his house doesn’t even have INTERNAL PLUMBING yet let alone cable TV).
Ya see, since Christmas, everyone in the house now has their own smartphone which not only takes calls, texts, emails, and schedules, it ALSO plays music even better than my console stereo with 8-track! Basically, the house phone and the printed wall calendar are just about as useless as Snooki’s new book and Oprah’s significant other, Stedman! So what am I gonna do with the empty wall?
Meantime, here’s a Little Johnny joke with a “What am I gonna do with this?” situation.
Little Johnny got permission from his teacher to go to the bathroom and poop. When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper so he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, “What do you have in your hand?”
Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
He was then sent to the principal’s office and the Principal asked him, “What do you have in your hand?”
So, Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
He was sent home and his Mom asked him, “What do you have in your hand?”
Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.”
He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, “What do you have in your hand?”
So again Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared away.”
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, “Open your hand!”
Little Johnny opened his hand and said, “Look Dad you scared the shit out of him!”
C’mon. Even if I was a really bad kid, would I really walk around for, what would seem to be HOURS, with a hand full of “SOAPWORD?” I would’ve found some poor “SOAPWORD” to shank hands with!
Here’s a poop story that REALLY happened. First ya have to know that my friend Dirty Kurty had a habit of not being able to wipe his butt well enough. His mom would yell at him for havin’ underdrawers that looked like he had crushed a case of Reese’s cups in them. So, Dirty Kurty would always stuff a wad of toilet paper in his butt after pooping – skidder protection.
One night, Dirty Kurty came into a school dance after taking a dump. While he was out leading the “Soul Train” line around the dance floor, his “skidder protection” wad fell out of his leisure suit pant leg! There it was lying in the middle of the floor, like the ANTI-holy grail. Only me and Dirty Kurty knew what it was. We peed ourselves laughing as we kicked it around until little Pauly Causik, thought it was a piece of popcorn and picked it up put it in his mouth. Pauly didn’t eat it but it took me and Dirty Kurty WEEKS b’fore we could eat popcorn again – especially the carmel coated stuff.
By the way, I think I just decided what I am going to do with the empty wall – I’m gonna leave it undecorated. That way it’ll be available when some group, in the future, publishes research sayin’ that smartphones cause fingertip tumors and that it’s “more green” to cut down trees for paper than it is to be such and electronic energy sucking PAPERLESS family!
Whadda YOU think I should do with the wall?
Chivalry is not dead. Men STILL open car doors for their ladies, especially after a nice filling dinner.
Guys, just don’t tell’em our secret – the ONLY reason we STILL do it is ‘cuz after we close the door, the walk around the back of the car gives us a chance to expel those THUNDEROUS after-dinner FARTS!!!!
(See, there’s STILL a bit of Little Johnny in me!)
RELEASING ONE DAY EARLY – THURSDAY INSTEAD OF FRIDAY – ‘CAUSE OF CHRISTMAS EVE!!!
If eating at the mall food court gives ya gas, head directly to the Yankee Candle store. Other than an alley next to a sewage plant, there’s NO BETTER place to fart. And, if someone DOES notice your fart, just act like YOU WORK THERE and tell’em “that’s our new candle scent called, “Outhouse on a Tuna Boat!” Just for the sake of credibility, tell’em the smell makes YOU gag too!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’ve always wondered if the ladies that work in Yankee Candle go home and rub their husband’s crusty under drawers on their nose to re-calibrate their sense of smell.
If yer tryin’ to decide between getting someone a wine rack or a 25-piece dining room set, go to IKEA! Everything’s the same basic kit there. The only difference between an IKEA wine rack and their 25-piece dining room set is: 4 extra pieces of plastic coated cardboard, an extra baggie of self-locking thingies and 800 plastic connectors.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: IKEA is a Swedish for, “Americans actually think we buy this SOAPWORD!”
Don’t stop at those “international house of CRAP” kiosks in the center of the mall. You know, the ones were they try to suck you into their evil web of unnecessary conversation, “Can I ask you a question?” “Can I put some cream on your hands?” or “Can I pet your hair?” Now look, I’m not “mid-east prejudiced.” I mean, I eat my share of humus and pitas throughout the year. It’s just that these people are undermining the REAL economy – all of the “Made in China” stuff at the Dollar Stores!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Some of my BEST FRIENDS are Chinese and Middle Eastern!
I also have a tip for Victoria Secret, but FIRST, here’s a Little Johnny fallacy:
Little Johnny at the back of the class had his hand up, snapping his fingers, saying, “Miss, Miss,” for a loooooooong time. As a last resort the teacher calls on him. “Okay, Little Johnny, what have you brought?”
Second, I DID get caught with girl’s panties in school one year at Christmas time. Ya see, one day before school, I was “gift snooping” and my mom caught me. Just before she did, I had found some lacey undies that my dad must have got her. Too afraid to admit what I was doing I said, “I have to borrow these ‘cuz I pooped in mine.” I put them on, pulled my sweat pants up and ran off to catch the school bus.
When I got to school, Micky Caroll de-pants’d me! There I was, in the middle of the cafeteria, in girls panties. In my emotional panic, I tried to make it look like Micky set me up and yelled, “THESE PANTIES ARE CAROL’S!!” Yeah, you got it, Carol, THE GIRL, put down her 6-foot breakfast hoagie and whooped my “SOAPWORD!” I’ve been scarred since.
Okay, now that I’m done dredging up my Christmas NIGHTMARE, one more shopping tip:
Don’t go to Victoria Secret and say to the staff, “You look just like my wife, can you put this on so I can see what it will look like on her?” After about 45 minutes and 8 wardrobe changes, they start to get suspicious!
OK… any other last minute Christmas shopping tips?
Send your friends a gift, click on the EMAIL button below and send this to a friend. They’ll think you’re their BESTEST friend!
Its office Holiday party time which means the divorce attorneys are gearing up for a busy January and February. And so are the lawyers that specialize in Human Resources and Extortion cases. As a matter of fact, I suggest law firms SPONSOR holiday parties…
“Take a picture of our sign on your iPhone, cuz tomorrow, when ya don’t remember anything from the party, A FEW OF YOU are gonna need us!”
But, what the heck, it’s the Holidays, let’s be Merry.. and if your a male cross-dresser, let’s be “Mary!”
Websites like this one, Office Party Etiquette, written by Rob Hard (yeah.. I said HARD. Now do yer best Beavis and Butthead laugh) suggest Do’s and Don’ts of Holiday office activities. If yer a person that has to be told not to drink too much or to not do dress like a “French Horne” (or whatever the phrase is) at the office party, then yer an idiot OR a drunk, a slut or BOTH!
So while it might be obvious to limit your drinks and slutty clothing at the office Holiday party, here are a few of my own tidbits for ya:
1) Don’t say this to yer boss, “Wow, you’re wife looks great tonight, I mean, she looks REALLY hot!” This is probably not gonna go all that well if you’re a guy and your talking to another guy, especially yer boss. However, if YOUR wife happens to say this to your boss’s wife, you might be in for a good time AND A RAISE!
2) Guys, I suggest that ya keep the MISTLETOE BELTBUCKLE at home! And ladies, keep the CAMEL TOE pants at home! The Mistletoe Beltbuckle is just gonna lead to trouble and even more advances from the guy that works in the cubicle next to you who’s been offering to go out at lunch to help ya pick drapes for your new apartment! And ladies, the camel toe pants are gonna getcha NUTHIN’ other than some serious chaffing.
3) Male or female, REFRAIN FROM FARTING!!! You know how it goes, ya need to sneak one out and you figure yer just gonna move quickly around the room to disguise the blame. Bottom, line everyone knows who FARTED (the red-faced person darting around the room swinging their arms like Julie Andrews in “The Sound of Music.”)
By the way, here’s a Little Johnny joke about farting:
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing.
He says, “Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?”
Little Johnny says, “I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.”
The principle says, “Well then why are you laughing?”
Little Johnny says, “Cause those “SOAPWARDS” are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I’m outside in this beautiful weather.”
Funny as this story is, it didn’t happen. However, I did get kicked out of Physics class in high school once for supposedly laughing at a buddy who DID fart in class. A whole group of us got sent to meet with the principal for, as the teacher put it, “behaving like barnyard animals.” The whole deal was pretty lame except for the fact that, at the time, I was dating the principal’s daughter! In school, Mr. Principal wasn’t so happy. However, later that evening at his house, he was in a lighter mood while I was visiting, and he asked me, “so who ate it?” referring to the FART GAME of old.
And back to the farting at the office Holiday party, my tip is: go outside and fart where the smokers are. First, their sense of smell is dead. Second, they’ve sucked in WAAAY worse air into their lungs already. Your deviled-egg-shrimp-cocktail-wings-cheese-beer fart won’t bother them.
Comment below on YOUR office Holiday party Do or Don’t!
By the way, anyone know who the famous COMEDIANS are that I should credit for the firm name of Dewey, Cheatem and How?
So this is another “back-to-school” special since some kids are just going back to school this week too. Besides, there are more “Little Johnny-in-school” jokes than there are “Tiger Woods with hookers” jokes! That may seem hard to believe but, then again, jokes about “Little Johnny” have been around a lot longer. There’s actually an historical account of Jesus telling a Little Johnny joke. It didn’t have any “soap words” in it, of course, and it starts off with “So Little Saint Johnny was in school….”
BTW, do you think Tiger will call me to find out how to start a blog on refuting jokes about your life? I stand ready to help in exchange for free golf lessons and a Nike sponsorship for my blog. HINT: If you’re one of those web domain real-estate magnets, you might want to invest heavily in every configuration of “IamTiger.com” cuz I see that being HUUUUUUGE now that Elin is in People Mag!
Ok, so here’s the story about Little Johnny in school:
Little Johnny’s fourth grade teacher was doing a word review in class. She asked the kids to use the word URINATE in a sentence. Little Johnny is in the back of his hand WAVING FURIOUSLY to answer. The teacher is afraid to call on him. She calls on Sara.
Sara says, “When I have to go to the bathroom, I say I have to URINATE.”
The teacher gives kudos to Sara as Little Johnny continues to wave his hand in the back of the room.
The teacher figures, how bad can it be? What possibly could Little Johnny come up with that’s so bad with the word URINATE. So she calls on him. “Little Johnny, can you please use URINATE in a sentence.”
Little Johnny says, “I certainly can, “Teach, You’re an eight. But if your “soap words” were bigger, you’d be a 10!
First things first, MY fourth grade teacher was a guy! But our music teacher that year WAS a female and was DEFINITELY and 8 on my scale. She was so well-gifted in the “sweater kitten” area, that, if she was in her 20’s NOW, people would be saying she got that way from all of the hormones in milk and beef!!! LOTS OF IT!!!!
While I thought our music teacher was an 8, she was a 10 in my friend, Dirty Kurty’s mind. Dirty Kurty used to drop his lunch on the floor when she was walking by just so he could look down her blouse when she bent over to pick it up for him. Sometimes he would toss his PB&J sandwich, peanut butter side DOWN so that she would have to bend over for a long time to wipe it all up!!! But ya don’t see any “Dirty Kurty” jokes.
Dirty Kurty was so full of testosterone in 4th grade that he got “Pinocchio Pants” if a nun accidentally flashed some ankle! (Author’s Note: Until recently, Dirty Kurty was working for Tiger Woods.)
Here’s another thing. I NEVER had the chance to sit in the back of ANY class.
I mentioned in last week’s blog that I went to a Catholic grade school. Every student was seated according to alphabetical order. My last name began with one of the first letters in the alphabet so I sat toward the front of the class all 8 years of my Catholic school incarceration. Yeah, so the back of MY head collected all of the under thrown spitballs and gum!
In all honesty, in 4th grade, I had no idea that the word URINATE even existed. When I had to URINATE, I did what eveEVERY OTHER 4th grade boy did. I pinched my “weiner” and crossed my legs and wiggled around until a little trickle came out, then I panicked. ONLY THEN did I raise my hand FURIOUSLY cuz I had to “TINKLE”!! Then I pinched and gently, BUT QUICKLY, wiggled myself to the bathroom.
Post a comment if you pee’d your pants in grade school. I know I’m not the only one!
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So it’s back to school time!!! And here’s a “back to school SPECIAL” Little Johnny posting. I had a hard time sifting through all of the Little Johnny in-school propaganda. There are almost as many stories that start with “little Johnny was in school” than there are “soap words” in an EMINEM song!
By the way, have you seen the “new” PopTarts that aren’t REALLY new? Every day before school I used to eat a pack of my FAV PopTarts, Vanilla PopTarts (chocolate pastry, vanilla cream filling with a white icing speckled with chocolate sprinkles). As an adult, they were STILL my favorite. Suddenly they went “D.B Cooper” on me a few months ago. Couldn’t find them anywhere!
This week, with the announcement of the new PopTart Store in Manhattan, guess what I found? A “New Flavor” Ice Cream Sandwich PopTarts! They are the exact same thing as the long lost Vanilla PopTarts. I’m back in business for a quickie breakfast WITHOUT eating those gas-causing oatmeal bars.
I’m thinkin’ that the same person who thought it to be GENIUS to remove the Vanilla PopTarts from the shelves is sitting on the curb collecting unemployment along side the person that thought it was a great idea to change a 99 year old Coke recipe 25 years ago. Get ready for yer NEXT JOB. Repeat after me, “Would ya like fries with that, sir?”
OK, a back to school joke:
Little Johnny gets transferred to a catholic school from a Jewish private school because he wasn’t doing well enough in math.
Within 2 weeks, Johnny is getting straight A’s on all of his math homework and quizzes.
Johnny’s parents can’t believe the dramatic change. So they met with the teachers who explained that Johnny had been very attentive in math class since day one.
So Johnny’s parents asked him, “why are you doing so well in math all of the sudden?”
Johnny said, “Well, when I looked up on every classroom wall, and saw that naked guy hanging from a PLUS SIGN, I knew these people were SERIOUS about math. So I paid attention.”
By the way, I am dunking a toasted PopTart in milk while I am writing this! My keyboard’s a mess but I got hungry for one while I was writing about them!
So the back-to-school story above puts me first in a Jewish school, transferring to a Catholic school. Not true! My parents were more brutal than that. I did HARD time. They put me in Catholic school all the way to the 8th grade!!! My principal was Sister Mary Stalag the 13th.
The other thing is I was a math whiz from early on. That’s cuz every time Sister Anecita hosted detention, she made us do long-handed division and multiplication problems like, 1,563,413 ÷ 206,794. And you had to show all your work. I knew math better than Donald Trump’s bankruptcy attorney.
One final note. About me not knowing the difference between a crucifix and a naked guy hanging on a plus sign for not knowing his math homework…can we give Johnny SOME credit for having at least an average I.Q. as a kid? I mean, at THAT age, I even knew that Mr. Rogers didn’t’ REALLY talk to the trolley and, while I DIDN’T know why, I knew that Big Bird was using Mr. Snuffleupagus as a SCAPEGOAT in a very scandalous, soap opera, kind of way.
By the way, ya know who SHOULD hang from a plus sign naked? They guy who cancelled the production of Vanilla PopTarts a few months ago!