Category Archives: Farting
Chivalry is not dead. Men STILL open car doors for their ladies, especially after a nice filling dinner.
Guys, just don’t tell’em our secret – the ONLY reason we STILL do it is ‘cuz after we close the door, the walk around the back of the car gives us a chance to expel those THUNDEROUS after-dinner FARTS!!!!
(See, there’s STILL a bit of Little Johnny in me!)
RELEASING ONE DAY EARLY – THURSDAY INSTEAD OF FRIDAY – ‘CAUSE OF CHRISTMAS EVE!!!
If eating at the mall food court gives ya gas, head directly to the Yankee Candle store. Other than an alley next to a sewage plant, there’s NO BETTER place to fart. And, if someone DOES notice your fart, just act like YOU WORK THERE and tell’em “that’s our new candle scent called, “Outhouse on a Tuna Boat!” Just for the sake of credibility, tell’em the smell makes YOU gag too!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’ve always wondered if the ladies that work in Yankee Candle go home and rub their husband’s crusty under drawers on their nose to re-calibrate their sense of smell.
If yer tryin’ to decide between getting someone a wine rack or a 25-piece dining room set, go to IKEA! Everything’s the same basic kit there. The only difference between an IKEA wine rack and their 25-piece dining room set is: 4 extra pieces of plastic coated cardboard, an extra baggie of self-locking thingies and 800 plastic connectors.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: IKEA is a Swedish for, “Americans actually think we buy this SOAPWORD!”
Don’t stop at those “international house of CRAP” kiosks in the center of the mall. You know, the ones were they try to suck you into their evil web of unnecessary conversation, “Can I ask you a question?” “Can I put some cream on your hands?” or “Can I pet your hair?” Now look, I’m not “mid-east prejudiced.” I mean, I eat my share of humus and pitas throughout the year. It’s just that these people are undermining the REAL economy – all of the “Made in China” stuff at the Dollar Stores!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Some of my BEST FRIENDS are Chinese and Middle Eastern!
I also have a tip for Victoria Secret, but FIRST, here’s a Little Johnny fallacy:
Little Johnny at the back of the class had his hand up, snapping his fingers, saying, “Miss, Miss,” for a loooooooong time. As a last resort the teacher calls on him. “Okay, Little Johnny, what have you brought?”
Second, I DID get caught with girl’s panties in school one year at Christmas time. Ya see, one day before school, I was “gift snooping” and my mom caught me. Just before she did, I had found some lacey undies that my dad must have got her. Too afraid to admit what I was doing I said, “I have to borrow these ‘cuz I pooped in mine.” I put them on, pulled my sweat pants up and ran off to catch the school bus.
When I got to school, Micky Caroll de-pants’d me! There I was, in the middle of the cafeteria, in girls panties. In my emotional panic, I tried to make it look like Micky set me up and yelled, “THESE PANTIES ARE CAROL’S!!” Yeah, you got it, Carol, THE GIRL, put down her 6-foot breakfast hoagie and whooped my “SOAPWORD!” I’ve been scarred since.
Okay, now that I’m done dredging up my Christmas NIGHTMARE, one more shopping tip:
Don’t go to Victoria Secret and say to the staff, “You look just like my wife, can you put this on so I can see what it will look like on her?” After about 45 minutes and 8 wardrobe changes, they start to get suspicious!
OK… any other last minute Christmas shopping tips?
Send your friends a gift, click on the EMAIL button below and send this to a friend. They’ll think you’re their BESTEST friend!
Its office Holiday party time which means the divorce attorneys are gearing up for a busy January and February. And so are the lawyers that specialize in Human Resources and Extortion cases. As a matter of fact, I suggest law firms SPONSOR holiday parties…
“Take a picture of our sign on your iPhone, cuz tomorrow, when ya don’t remember anything from the party, A FEW OF YOU are gonna need us!”
But, what the heck, it’s the Holidays, let’s be Merry.. and if your a male cross-dresser, let’s be “Mary!”
Websites like this one, Office Party Etiquette, written by Rob Hard (yeah.. I said HARD. Now do yer best Beavis and Butthead laugh) suggest Do’s and Don’ts of Holiday office activities. If yer a person that has to be told not to drink too much or to not do dress like a “French Horne” (or whatever the phrase is) at the office party, then yer an idiot OR a drunk, a slut or BOTH!
So while it might be obvious to limit your drinks and slutty clothing at the office Holiday party, here are a few of my own tidbits for ya:
1) Don’t say this to yer boss, “Wow, you’re wife looks great tonight, I mean, she looks REALLY hot!” This is probably not gonna go all that well if you’re a guy and your talking to another guy, especially yer boss. However, if YOUR wife happens to say this to your boss’s wife, you might be in for a good time AND A RAISE!
2) Guys, I suggest that ya keep the MISTLETOE BELTBUCKLE at home! And ladies, keep the CAMEL TOE pants at home! The Mistletoe Beltbuckle is just gonna lead to trouble and even more advances from the guy that works in the cubicle next to you who’s been offering to go out at lunch to help ya pick drapes for your new apartment! And ladies, the camel toe pants are gonna getcha NUTHIN’ other than some serious chaffing.
3) Male or female, REFRAIN FROM FARTING!!! You know how it goes, ya need to sneak one out and you figure yer just gonna move quickly around the room to disguise the blame. Bottom, line everyone knows who FARTED (the red-faced person darting around the room swinging their arms like Julie Andrews in “The Sound of Music.”)
By the way, here’s a Little Johnny joke about farting:
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out. He goes and sits outside the class and can’t stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing.
He says, “Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?”
Little Johnny says, “I farted in class and the teacher threw me out.”
The principle says, “Well then why are you laughing?”
Little Johnny says, “Cause those “SOAPWARDS” are sitting in the class smelling my fart while I’m outside in this beautiful weather.”
Funny as this story is, it didn’t happen. However, I did get kicked out of Physics class in high school once for supposedly laughing at a buddy who DID fart in class. A whole group of us got sent to meet with the principal for, as the teacher put it, “behaving like barnyard animals.” The whole deal was pretty lame except for the fact that, at the time, I was dating the principal’s daughter! In school, Mr. Principal wasn’t so happy. However, later that evening at his house, he was in a lighter mood while I was visiting, and he asked me, “so who ate it?” referring to the FART GAME of old.
And back to the farting at the office Holiday party, my tip is: go outside and fart where the smokers are. First, their sense of smell is dead. Second, they’ve sucked in WAAAY worse air into their lungs already. Your deviled-egg-shrimp-cocktail-wings-cheese-beer fart won’t bother them.
Comment below on YOUR office Holiday party Do or Don’t!
By the way, anyone know who the famous COMEDIANS are that I should credit for the firm name of Dewey, Cheatem and How?