Category Archives: No Toilet Papear
In a previous Mini-Post, I listed things that are no longer needed but here’s somethin’ else, EVEN BIGGER, that I don’t know what to do with: An entire kitchen wall!!
A wall? Yep! Why is this wall no longer needed, you say? Cuz it used to hold a big wall calendar with HUGE date boxes so that everyone in the family could write in their schedules. Now I have to send an e-vite to 5 people just to let everyone know when vacation is.
I don’t miss the calendar – it was just some kind of free calendar from the local bank that had more generic pictures than those stupid urinary catheter ads that are popping up all over the internet. By the way, are there THAT many people that can’t pee suddenly or is this a key component to some new college party device?
This wall also held something from waaaaaaaaaaay back in early 2010’s. Something we old folk called a “house phone.” No, it wasn’t one with a crank like Lassie used when he called the operator and barked in doggie-code that “Timmy was stuck in the well.” We just no longer need a house phone cuz the only calls we get on it are Indian guys named Michael or Fred calling to tell me how bad the OTHER cable TV company SUCKS (despite that fact that his house doesn’t even have INTERNAL PLUMBING yet let alone cable TV).
Ya see, since Christmas, everyone in the house now has their own smartphone which not only takes calls, texts, emails, and schedules, it ALSO plays music even better than my console stereo with 8-track! Basically, the house phone and the printed wall calendar are just about as useless as Snooki’s new book and Oprah’s significant other, Stedman! So what am I gonna do with the empty wall?
Meantime, here’s a Little Johnny joke with a “What am I gonna do with this?” situation.
Little Johnny got permission from his teacher to go to the bathroom and poop. When he went to wipe his fanny, there was no toilet paper so he used his hand.
When he got back to class, his Teacher asked, “What do you have in your hand?”
Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
He was then sent to the principal’s office and the Principal asked him, “What do you have in your hand?”
So, Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he’ll get scared away.”
He was sent home and his Mom asked him, “What do you have in your hand?”
Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he’ll get scared away.”
He was then sent to his room and told to stay there till his Dad came home. His dad came home, went upstairs and said to Little Johnny, “What do you have in your hand?”
So again Little Johnny said, “A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he get scared away.”
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, “Open your hand!”
Little Johnny opened his hand and said, “Look Dad you scared the shit out of him!”
C’mon. Even if I was a really bad kid, would I really walk around for, what would seem to be HOURS, with a hand full of “SOAPWORD?” I would’ve found some poor “SOAPWORD” to shank hands with!
Here’s a poop story that REALLY happened. First ya have to know that my friend Dirty Kurty had a habit of not being able to wipe his butt well enough. His mom would yell at him for havin’ underdrawers that looked like he had crushed a case of Reese’s cups in them. So, Dirty Kurty would always stuff a wad of toilet paper in his butt after pooping – skidder protection.
One night, Dirty Kurty came into a school dance after taking a dump. While he was out leading the “Soul Train” line around the dance floor, his “skidder protection” wad fell out of his leisure suit pant leg! There it was lying in the middle of the floor, like the ANTI-holy grail. Only me and Dirty Kurty knew what it was. We peed ourselves laughing as we kicked it around until little Pauly Causik, thought it was a piece of popcorn and picked it up put it in his mouth. Pauly didn’t eat it but it took me and Dirty Kurty WEEKS b’fore we could eat popcorn again – especially the carmel coated stuff.
By the way, I think I just decided what I am going to do with the empty wall – I’m gonna leave it undecorated. That way it’ll be available when some group, in the future, publishes research sayin’ that smartphones cause fingertip tumors and that it’s “more green” to cut down trees for paper than it is to be such and electronic energy sucking PAPERLESS family!
Whadda YOU think I should do with the wall?