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The Situation With “The Situation” Is Fixed

As you may know, last week, Abercrombie and Fitch clothing company has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” from the Jersey Shore TV show a fee to NOT wear their clothes!!  True or not, it’s BRILLIANT marketing, especially the fact that “Mike the Sit” now thinks he can sue Abercrombie and Fitch which makes even more PR for the clothes.  Click the photo below for the full story.

The good news is, because Mike “The Situation” has acted so much like a douche, Masengill has asked him to change his name to Mike “The Douche.”  My information tells me he is seriously considering it because, in HIS terms, (in a Jersey accent) “I know where you put a douche so that’s cool with me!”  Rumor has it that Mike “The Situation” has almost been convinced to change his name to Hans Brinker because someone told him that guy was famous for putting his finger in DIKES.. yeah, he confused “dikes” with “dykes.”

Here’s a Little Johnny joke about, well, you’ll see:

The First Grade teacher gave the class a difficult homework assignment and told them that they had to stay in class and do all of the work.  The class was disappointed about missing recess, to say the least.

In reaction to the assignment, the teacher overheard heard little Johnny say very softly, “Damn!”  The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”

Little Johnny looked at the teacher and said, “Not even when things are all SOAPWORD up ?!”

Now THAT’S a pretty funny joke, I have to admit but, here’s the REAL story (that’s why I write this blog.)   Gary Hardballs and I were in class and Gary let out one of those “I know I didn’t eat anything that smelled like that” farts.  HORRIBLE!!  The first thing that popped out of my mouth was, “DAMN!”

It was automatic because, every time my grandma would pass gas, my grandpap would say, “DAMN, girl!”  And then, if he realized I had heard him, he would say, “DAMN, D-A-M-N, that’s the word I was trying to think of for my crossword puzzle this morning!”

So, as the teacher approached me about what I said, I used a page from my grandpap’s book.  I said, “DAMN, D-A-M-N!  Gary, you won ANOTHER game of Hangman!!”  Well, Gary thought it was sooooo funny that he laughed out loud (before the days of L.O.L).  He laughed so hard that he farted again!  At that point the teacher said, “Ok, well I am glad that your game is over.  Now whomever of you it was that SHIT themselves, please take the hall pass and go clean yourself off!”

Gary ended up with 2 days of detention for acting like a “barnyard animal” in class!  Thanks for the wisdom gramps!

Mini-Post, Gram and Pap Having Sex

Katie’s grandpa died so she went to visit her 95-year-old grandma. Grandma tells her “He had a heart attack while we were making love Sunday morning.”

Katie: “At your age sex sounds risky!”

Grandma: “We figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would ring. It was just the right rhythm… And if that damned ice cream truck hadn’t come along he’d still be alive today!”

Mini Post, The U.S. Debt Crisis

When the debt crisis is solved, does that mean we can go back to writing checks just because we still have checks left in our checkbook?

Closed for Remodeling – Will Re-Open On Our Birthday

Next Friday, July 29th, we will be celebrating the 1 year Birthday of the Little Johnny (All Grown Up) Blog. 

So, while I am taking the time to create something FABULOUS for next Friday, here is the ULTIMATE Little Johnny Rewind!  My very first post!

Little Johnny and Bill Clinton, Click HERE!

Russell “Squawk Like A Crow” Huekler – Alternate Juror

Well, the door is now open to Casey Anthony Trial “Media Doll Wanna-bee’s!”

Russell Huekler, teacher from Pinellas County, Florida a STAND-BY juror for the trial has made his way to pretty much every media outlet that will have him, Today Show, GMA, CBS Morning Show, CNN, Sesamee Street….

HE DIDN’T EVEN DELIBERATE!!!!!!!!  And he got a page-and-a-half of Google results.

No confirmation that he will be the new host of the new cable TV show, “The Next Alternate Juror Star!”  However, he IS confirmed to be a guest on Iron Chef and is expected to do a “Throw Down With Bobby Flay” program regarding Cooking-For-One-On-a Hot-Plate Filmed in One of the REAL-LIFE Alternate Juror Hotel Rooms.

Old Russ is gonna have one Helluva GREAT “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” story!!!!  But he’s not a real juror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of things not being real, here’s another NOT-real Little Johnny story.

One year, Little Johnny’s family was having a Fourth of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting some illegal fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.)

Just before he was to arrive, Cousin Joe called, saying his neighbors’ plans had just fallen through.  Cousin Joe asked if he could bring the neighbors along to the picnic.  Little Johnny’s dad said, “Sure, the more the merrier!”

When Cousin Joe arrived with his neighbors, Little Johnny and his dad found out that the head of the neighbor family was a police officer.

Little Johnny’s dad turned, as innocently as he could, to his son and whispered for him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Little Johnny disappeared, and the Little Johnny’s dad changed the topic to food for the day.

The new guests had brought some chicken to grill, so Little Johnny’s dad told them the gas grill was all set to use out back — they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

The neighbor guests, including the police officer, headed out to the back as Little Johnny returned through the front door. Little Johnny’s father hurried to him and said, “Whew, that was close! That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

Little Johnny said, “Oh, yeah, I hid them in the grill!”

Now THAT is a funny Little Johnny joke but, once again, not real (like Russell Huekler).  And speaking of not real, ranking right-on up there with our dads taking us down to the edge of the river, pointing across and telling us the other side was “Europe,” Micky Carroll’s dad fooled us every Fourth of July in our young, stupid days.

We would get all excited.  Micky’s dad was gonna put on a show for us and, the real kicker, we didn’t have to push our way through any crowds to see the town’s fireworks. 

Just as it got to be dusk, we would beg him, “Can we do them now?  Can we? Can we? Huh?”  He would always quietly settle us down and say, “Soon, very soon!  We can’t use them until it’s really dark!”  The anticipation would KILL us!

Finally, the time would come.  Micky’s dad would tell us to go inside and look out the front porch window.  All of us, Gary Hardballs, Dirty Kurty, Micky, Dickie Dickson would squeeze to the window.  (Micky never had any idea WHY we had to go inside!  But we did.)

And there we all were, ready to go and Micky’s dad would be outside with his ear cups on and all.  Then suddenly, THERE IT WAS!!!!!!!  “Awesome, oooooh, aaahhhhh, wooooooow!”  And then, within a few minutes, it was over.  But we were satiated for another year.

In our later years, we found out that what we were soooooo excited about was a single RAILROAD FLARE that Micky’s dad would bring home from work!!!!  Yeah, once we found THAT out we felt about as STUPID as a no-armed 18-year-old boy in a 25-cent porn movie booth!!!!

 

BTW, this week’s Little Johnny joke came from Cactusdar from a website called, eons.com.

Search at the top by name for all of the post mentiong, Dirty Kurty, Gary Hardballs, Dickie Dickson and Mickey Carroll.

“I Am Apologetic for Doing It”

A quote from a HUGE “weiner!”  as per Anthony Weiner!!!!

Then he said, “I regret not being honest about this!”

Haaaaaa.. haaaaaaaa…..haaaaaaaaa…..haaaaaaaaa……haaaaaaaaaaaa

WOW!  I just farted because I was laughing so hard!

And they say Little Johnny is bad!!!  Let me add, why is he apologetic for doing this?  BECAUSE HE WAS CAUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Valentine’s Day Weekend Press Conference

Why a Valentine’s Day Weekend press conference? 

Cuz it’s the only time I can stand in front of a bunch of hot female reporters and say, “I have a HEART ON for you” and NOT get slapped (cuz I point to the HEART pin on my lapel).  Yeah, there’s STILL some Little Johnny in me!

This is actually a survey sent to me from “wheeeelwee FUNNY Walt” at WaltSense.  WaltSense asked me to do this and pass along to 4 other bloggers.  Read WaltSense, or he will hunt ya down in a Philadelphia kind of way!! 

Anyway, I thought I would handle this survey as if it were a press conference for the ALMOST-child star, Little Johnny, “all grown up.”  I’m kinda nervous cuz this is my first press conference and my PR person is off spoon-feeding applesauce to a mumbling/gurgling Amy Winehouse.

THE SCENE: I stand at a podium (which is my night stand with a piled up stack of Yellow Pages phone books covered with a black cloth – cuz what ELSE do ya do with phone books these days?)  I’m in my West Wing (my garage which I cleaned just for this – which means I put throw-rugs and tarps over all of the “SOAPWORD” stacked in the corner).  No, I don’t picture everyone in their underwear to calm my nerves.  Picturing everyone in underwear  would actually make me GAG harder than Snookie’s gynecologist. 

One other note, I have envisioned some very significant people as the reporters ASKING the questions at my press conference.  So let’s start this thing.  First question please and PLEASE state who you are and who you represent.

1-      (REPORTER: Former White House Press Corp Member Helen Thomas)

Question: If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?

ME: I do have a pet – a dog. I consider him a family member because he is the ONLY one that is ALWAYS happy to see me.  Whether I’m gone 15 minutes or 15 days, the welcome is always ECSTATIC ENTHUSIASM.  And he IS part of the family, he takes a regular spot on the guest bathroom cleaning schedule.  (Licks that toilet bowl CLEAN!!!)

2-     (REPORTER: The Reverend Jesse Jackson)

Question: If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

ME: I would love to be able to attend EVERY major national event AT NO COST TO ME with exclusive access and better seating than any Handicap area could EVER offer.  Well, Reverend, I think you understand my dream.

3–     (REPORTER: My ex-Wife that had 2 affairs)         

Question: What is the one thing most hated by you?

ME: Hmmmmm.  As I look at ya,  I’m not sure that I can only pick ONE thing hated by me.  Ignorance and selfishness come to mind as something I REALLY hate.  Do you understand what I mean?  Your cooking ALSO comes to mind.

4-     (REPORTER: Ted Williams – Golden Voiced Vagrant)

Question: What would you do with a billion dollars? 

ME: WOW!  That’s tough cuz I know that it would come with some notoriety and I’m not sure that I wouldn’t go nuts yelling, “I LOVE YOU MOMMY, I LOVE YOU MOMMY” as cameras preyed on me.  But, I think, once my family was taken care of, I would purchase a lot of advertising that simply stated, “The Following List of People Can Now Kiss My “SOAPWORD!”  

5–     (REPORTER: Dr. Phil)

Question: What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?

ME: Watching YOUR show and listening to the Delilah show on the radio.  After 5-10 minutes of each I feel like, “WOW, thank GOD I’m not that “SOAPWORD’d up!”

6–     (REPORTER: The Situation from Jersey Shore)

Question:: Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

ME: How do you define “Love?”

The Situation : Um, Um, Ah, well, um, do you have any HOT DAUGHTERS? 

ME: Well, then, let’s just say there are blessings in both.  Have I told you about my dog and how much he loves me?

7-     (REPORTER:  My Dog)

Question:: What is your bedtime routine?

You’re kidding me right? As if YOU don’t know the routine? I get up from the couch, scratch myself and you pop up outta yer doggy  bed and go to the door for a pee stop. Then ya come in and drool on the floor until I give you a treat and, as we walk up the steps, I tell ya about what’s on my agenda tomorrow – NOT LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I’M SAYING but, once again, YOU ARE LOYAL – (as long as I have a treat for ya).   

8-     (REPORTER: Dr. Phil)

  Question: If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?

   ME: You already had a question.  Learn to share! 

9-     (REPORTER: David Letterman)

Question:  If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?

You.  But not in that secret room of yers near the stage.

10-      (REPORTER: Amazon.com Rep)

What kinds of books do you read?

WAIT, how did you get in here?  And WHY are you in yer underwear?  You don’t need an answer, yer secret spy software ALREADY knows what I read and has made some very good suggestions for future picture pop-up books for my pleasure.

 11-         (REPORTER: Mrs. Ross my High School Counselor)

Question: How would you see yourself in ten years time?

ME: No idea but I hope that I CAN see myself in 10 years time and not be dead or blind.  See how much you’ve helped me in my life?? 

12-   (REPORTER: Joe Rogan – Host of NBC’s Fear Factor)

Question: What’s your fear?

You asking that question SCARES the “SOAPWORD” outta me.  Next question please.

13-   (REPORTER: Lenny – black guy from the Today Show Outside Audience)

Question: Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?

ME: No but I would give up BOTH if you would wear an IamLittleJohnny.com ball cap some day on the Today Show

14- (REPORTER: @pcguys on Twitter who ALWAYS post Little Johnny Jokes

 Question: Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor?

ME: That’s like asking me if I wanna have sex or have pizza.  I KNOW I CAN GET PIZZA!  Married and poor is my answer.

15-   (REPORTER: My Wife)

 Question: What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?

ME: As if you don’t know. Good time for a Little Johnny joke here though.  Little Johnny says, “Why don’t women sleep on their sides like men?  Cuz ladies don’t have a kick stand!”

16- (REPORTER: My Ex Wife)

Question:  If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be?

ME: This is getting uncomfortable.  Why are you still in MY HOUSE??? 

17–      (REPORTER: IRS Agent)

Question: If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?

ME: Lance Manion.  Wait, why did you ask?  Are you auditing me or (even worse) dating my ex-wife?

18-      (REPORTER: My Ex Wife)

Question: Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?

ME: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!!! 

 19- (REPORTER: Jenny Craig)

Question: If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?

ME: Is this a trick question?  If you’re here to sign me to a promotional deal then, OBVIOUSLY it would be something that is low in Sodium, high in anti-oxidants, low in trans fats, high in Omega-3 fatty acids.  As far as you know! 

OK.. brining this to a close because all this talkin’ about food has made me hungry and this blog post is now WAAAAAY to long.  I am forwarding this survey to these blogs (make sure you go check them out):

Too Many Mornings

Laura Lee Walker

The Shark Guys

Why Is Daddy Crying

Mini-Post of the Week, Postal Carriers

When a Postal Carrier wants some “alone time,” away from the Holiday mail rush, does he/she go home and go out for a walk?

Mini-Post of the Week, Airline Baggage Claims

At the airport baggage claim, why does EVERYONE have to stand right at the edge of the conveyor belt in the way of EVERYONE ELSE who is tryin’ to pick up their bags? Can’t these people see their homemade curly-glittery-red-ribbon handle markers from 3 feet back and simply step in when it comes around? Its not like ya paid for a front row seat you inconsiderate SOAPWORD!!! 

Note to Thanksgiving Travelers from Little Johnny: “STEP AWAY FROM THE BAGGAGE CLAIM BELT”

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