Category Archives: Wiki-Johnny Leaks – Bin Laden Personal Affects

Wiki-Johnny-Leaks: Items Found in Bin Laden Compound

You’ve heard of Wiki-leaks. Well this is inside info collected by the 58 researchers of the staff.  (Now you know the secret behind our every-Friday-magic).  Most of my research staff are former members of the Jeopardy Clue Crew (over half were fired for making fun of Alex Trebek’s ability to use Native pronunciations of foreign words in Jeopardy! Clues.)

So here is the first, VERY TIMELY, Wiki-Johnny-Leaks info: a partial list of personal items found in Osama Bin Laden’s possession during the raid.  I realize that some of this will be shocking so please do not read if you have a weak stomach or are at work and have an anxiety induced flatulence problem. 

 Item #1:  Piers Morgan Blow-up Doll

Apparently this was found sitting in a mocked-up  “Piers Morgan Tonight” studio and Bin Laden would practice being interviewed.  Some of the sample video tapes show Bin Laden singing “Friends In Low Places” karaoke in front of the Morgan doll – must have had the America’s Got Talent thing confused.

Item #2:  Close-up Photos of Donald Trump’s Hair

Apparently he was looking at the weave structure figuring that, whatever bomb could put THAT hair in disarray would destroy the world.

Other, unconfirmed reports were, Bin Laden was studying ways to comb his beard up over his head like Trump for a better disguise.

 Item # 3:  iPhone 4

Apparently it did NOT have the “Around Me” application that would show where the nearest SEALS detachment and military helicopters might be!

It is confirmed that it had the following games, “REALLY, REALLY Angry Birds” and “Words With Taliban Friends”

 Item #4: Hand-written Script for Houswives of Abbottābad

Apparently he was looking to create a Pakistani TV show and an email trail shows that he had a potential sponsor, Home Fortress and Garden Magazine.

 Item # 5: Computer Monitor and CPU

The screen was frozen on one of those irritating screen intros –  he was trying to order a pair of lime-green Crocs 

Now you have an idea about what Bin Laden’s tastes were.  Here’s a Little Johnny Joke:

Little Johnny got lost at the shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, “I’ve lost my dad!” 

The guard asked, “What’s his name?” 

Little Johnny said, “Daddy.” 

The guard smiled, then asked, “What’s he like?”

Little Johnny hesitated for a moment and then replied,

“Jack Daniels whiskey and women with big SOAPWORDs.”


 Getting lost in a mall was a constant activity for me.   I would start day-dreaming at something, turn around and my mother would be gone.  I would stand and cry and someone would come and “rescue” me.  While they were waiting for my mom to come get me, the would buy me an ice cream or an Orange Julius. 

It got to the point that I would PURPOSEFULLY get lost in the mall, NEAR THE FOOD COURT!!!  Cuz I wanted to make sure it was convenient for my “rescuers” to get to the treats!! 

My friend Gary Hardball said he was lost in a mall once too.  Problem was, he was in his 40’s and he was in Victoria Secret.  They caught him laying face-up on the floor, wearing bright orange pants and a leopard-pattern shirt – trying to camouflage himself as a “discount panty” table. When mall security came, he wept and peed his pants to show he was crazy and should just be set free. 

It would have worked BUT, one of the Victoria Secret sales ladies remembered him from being in the store a few months earlier, around Christmas time.  He apparently told her that she was the exact size as his wife.  Thusly, he asked her to try on some intimate wear.  He just sat in  the “guy waiting for his wife to finish shopping” chair and watched the performance.  She finally caught on after about the 30th outfit.  I think what gave it away was when he asked for a pillow to put over his lap!!!!

See ya Tuesday for a mini-post!!!

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