Category Archives: You’re Nuts

Happy New Year!! (be careful writing dates on yer checks)

Well HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!  This blog was started 6 months ago, after a conversation and beers at a local bar with Gary Hardballs.  I thought it would be fun to do a LITTLE JOHNNY REWIND and repost some of the more popular links since the start.  (Plus I’m a LAZY “SOAPWORD” this week!!!!).  Click on the bolded words to read the post.

Ok, that’s it.  Have a Happy New Year and be sure to pass THIS page around to your friends.  See ya every Tuesday for a min-post and every Friday for a new Little Johnny joke.

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Little Johnny, “You’re NUTS!” (Like Zach Galifianakis)

What’s the craziest name you can think of in the celebrity world these days?  Zach Galifianakis gets my vote.

Funny thing, that’s not even a made up name!!!   His dad’s name is Harry Galifianakis.  As soon as I saw that, I thought back to all those crazy names we used to make up in grade school when we had substitute teachers trying to take roll call.  They would pass around the paper for everyone to sign in and guess who happened to be in class that day?  Here’s a few:

Harry P. Ness, Dick Hurts, Mike Ockhurts, Hammond Eggs, Jack Koff, Buster Hymen, Ben Dover, two Irish guys named “Phil”—yep, McCracken and McGroin, Lee Nover, the Meehauf Brothers – Beat, Jack and Wack and, of course, Oliver Closeoff. 

Dick Hurts was one of my favorites cuz, when the teacher didn’t recognize the name, they would ask the class, “Who’s Dick Hurts?” and all of the guys in the class would raise our hands.  Then we would all giggle sinisterly just like we did when we heard Sister Aniceta fart  while she was over-stretching to try and draw lines on the chalkboard with that crazy, evil looking chalk-holder-line-making-thingy. 

Not much fun anymore in school with making up names but ya can do that on Twitter.  It took me FOREVER to realize that LEVITRA was NOT the name of some hot chick from Detroit on Twitter!  Seriously!  How could I have known?

Speaking of not knowin’ things.  I have NO idea who started THIS crazy Little Johnny joke!

Little Johnny’s school football team was in the playoffs.  He was an excited young fan.  So excited that he decided to get naked and spray paint his whole body with red and orange paint, (his school colors).

The problem is, Johnny ran out of paint before he had a chance to paint his testicles. 

At one point, Johnny’s mom walked into his room to see what he was up to.  Both were equally shocked to see each other.  Johnny reacted by striking a BIG smile and holding his arms out straight and saying, “Look at me!!”

Johnny’s mother exclaimed, “You’re NUTS!!”

Johnny NERVOUSLY yelled back, “I know, I ran out of paint!”

Back in MY day, we didn’t even paint our FACES let alone paint our whole bodies or our chests like these 45 year-old, big-bellied, Zach Galifianakis-wanna-bee, lug nuts do these days.  Yeah, PROUD MOMENTS for the kids and spouses watchin’ the game on the big screen at home, DAD! 

I’ll admit that, once or twice, I teased my hair up and put my younger sister’s tights and high heels on and pranced around to a couple of KISS songs but I definitely didn’t get “nakey” and paint myself.  I had self-control over my fantasies.

Besides, painting myself would have played hell with my teenage acne situation.  In my teens,  I had way more infected hair pustules than I deserved in places that hurt really bad.  That spray paint would have irritated my skin into one big puss bubble that would have taken a week and 10 tubes of Clearasil to clear up. Bottom line, NO, I DIDN’T PAINT MYSELF.  And if I did, I feel pretty sure I would have kept my undies on.

Ok.. gotta go now.  I have a big appointment with my favorite Gastroenterologist, Lou Stool (get it??).  I trust him at the highest level cuz we were in the same college frat together, I FELTA THI (get it?? HINT: both I’s are long I’s.)

Leave me a comment with the phony school names you remember…LEAVE OUT ANY ONE WITH THE LAST NAME OF “HUNT.”  And DON’T send me any photos if yerself naked and painted!!!

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