Mini Post, Casey Anthony Weiner

Wouldn’t it be cool if Casey Anthony married Anthony Weiner????  Casey Anthony Weiner!!!! 

(Yep, STILL a little bit of Little Johnny in me.)

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Russell “Squawk Like A Crow” Huekler – Alternate Juror

Well, the door is now open to Casey Anthony Trial “Media Doll Wanna-bee’s!”

Russell Huekler, teacher from Pinellas County, Florida a STAND-BY juror for the trial has made his way to pretty much every media outlet that will have him, Today Show, GMA, CBS Morning Show, CNN, Sesamee Street….

HE DIDN’T EVEN DELIBERATE!!!!!!!!  And he got a page-and-a-half of Google results.

No confirmation that he will be the new host of the new cable TV show, “The Next Alternate Juror Star!”  However, he IS confirmed to be a guest on Iron Chef and is expected to do a “Throw Down With Bobby Flay” program regarding Cooking-For-One-On-a Hot-Plate Filmed in One of the REAL-LIFE Alternate Juror Hotel Rooms.

Old Russ is gonna have one Helluva GREAT “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” story!!!!  But he’s not a real juror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Speaking of things not being real, here’s another NOT-real Little Johnny story.

One year, Little Johnny’s family was having a Fourth of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting some illegal fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.)

Just before he was to arrive, Cousin Joe called, saying his neighbors’ plans had just fallen through.  Cousin Joe asked if he could bring the neighbors along to the picnic.  Little Johnny’s dad said, “Sure, the more the merrier!”

When Cousin Joe arrived with his neighbors, Little Johnny and his dad found out that the head of the neighbor family was a police officer.

Little Johnny’s dad turned, as innocently as he could, to his son and whispered for him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Little Johnny disappeared, and the Little Johnny’s dad changed the topic to food for the day.

The new guests had brought some chicken to grill, so Little Johnny’s dad told them the gas grill was all set to use out back — they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

The neighbor guests, including the police officer, headed out to the back as Little Johnny returned through the front door. Little Johnny’s father hurried to him and said, “Whew, that was close! That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”

Little Johnny said, “Oh, yeah, I hid them in the grill!”

Now THAT is a funny Little Johnny joke but, once again, not real (like Russell Huekler).  And speaking of not real, ranking right-on up there with our dads taking us down to the edge of the river, pointing across and telling us the other side was “Europe,” Micky Carroll’s dad fooled us every Fourth of July in our young, stupid days.

We would get all excited.  Micky’s dad was gonna put on a show for us and, the real kicker, we didn’t have to push our way through any crowds to see the town’s fireworks. 

Just as it got to be dusk, we would beg him, “Can we do them now?  Can we? Can we? Huh?”  He would always quietly settle us down and say, “Soon, very soon!  We can’t use them until it’s really dark!”  The anticipation would KILL us!

Finally, the time would come.  Micky’s dad would tell us to go inside and look out the front porch window.  All of us, Gary Hardballs, Dirty Kurty, Micky, Dickie Dickson would squeeze to the window.  (Micky never had any idea WHY we had to go inside!  But we did.)

And there we all were, ready to go and Micky’s dad would be outside with his ear cups on and all.  Then suddenly, THERE IT WAS!!!!!!!  “Awesome, oooooh, aaahhhhh, wooooooow!”  And then, within a few minutes, it was over.  But we were satiated for another year.

In our later years, we found out that what we were soooooo excited about was a single RAILROAD FLARE that Micky’s dad would bring home from work!!!!  Yeah, once we found THAT out we felt about as STUPID as a no-armed 18-year-old boy in a 25-cent porn movie booth!!!!

 

BTW, this week’s Little Johnny joke came from Cactusdar from a website called, eons.com.

Search at the top by name for all of the post mentiong, Dirty Kurty, Gary Hardballs, Dickie Dickson and Mickey Carroll.

Candidates For U.S. President In 2012?

Some time ago,  humor blogger, Tim Jones (View From The Bleachers) wrote about the CMU computer, Watson, running for President of the United States.  

An excerpt from his blog:

As Republicans vet Watson, they are probing into earlier iterations of Watson for any hint of scandal.  Experts assure the GOP that there is 99.9% chance that Watson could never be caught up in a sex scandal, stating “While his voice may be alluring, he has the warmth of a steel drum.” So far, his history appears almost squeaky clean. Almost.  Watson was in fact caught on tape grunting suggestively.  His programmers insist that Watson was merely reciting the entire dialogue of the adult film, Deep Throat. RNC Chairman  Reince Priebus  came to Watson’s defense in an official statement, chiding  critics by asking: “Who among us does not have some minor embarrassing sexual indiscretion in our past, involving sex tapes of ourselves making inappropriate advances towards a congressional page or a farm animal?”

(Click HERE to See Tim’s Entire Post)

Now THERE’s something unique, a President that would know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING!  But then I started thinking about the OBVIOUS downsides to this computer President precident.

1)  Someone from the cast of Saturday Night Live would be laid off and replaced with a computer prop.  You wouldn’t even need a voice actor!  Terrible news for the Actors Guild!

2) How in the “SOAPWORD” would the cartoonists charicature our President for their one-panel political cartoons?  There would be no big ears, big nose, bushy eyebrows, chin dimple or eyeglasses to highlight.

3) Even worse, just like the roving gnomes and other grade school projects, people would be making fun of our President by making cheap copies of he/she/it, put silly little hats and outfits on it and then pose it for pictures around the world and post them on Facebook pages.

4) Who would be the spouse, First Lady/First PC?

5) There would be no need for a White House Chef staff- the computer would not eat bites, it would fill itself with BYTES!

6) And think of this:  with the rate of techonological advances, by the time Watson gets to the end of he/she/its first term, he/she/it will be about HALF OF ITS ORIGINAL SIZE. If he/she/it would be successful at “four more years” he would fit into somebody’s wrist watch or be a debit card.  Not even big enough to carry the Nuclear Football!

7) Finally, given number six, think of how AWKWARD  those photos would look when foreign leaders show up for State Dinners! “Ladies and gentleman, now posing for a photo, The President of the United States, “Watson the computer” and Japanese Prime Minister Naoto Kan.”   Think of those G-20 “leaders” photos!!!

I dunno, maybe it’s just better to have a human with a little bit of knowledge and a HUGE “SOAPWORD’n” EGO to be our President.  Speaking of a little bit of knowledge, here’s a Little Johnny joke:

Summer vacation was over and the teacher asked Little Johnny about his family trip. “We visited my grandmother in Minneapolis, Minnesota.”
The teacher asked, “Good, can you tell the class how you spell that? “
Little Johnny said, “No, Actually, we went to Ohio.”

Spelling wasn’t REALLY may strong suit.  But in 6th grade I went to the third round of the Catholic Diocese Spelling Bee.  I coulda won a dictionary!  (woooohooo!)

But what REALLY happened that day is: the teacher asked me to spell Minnesota.  I had been daydreaming and I panicked not knowing what she asked me to do.  Micky Carroll leaned over and told me I was supposed to walk up to the board and do a sample multiplication problem.  So I did.  I didn’t realize, until I was already doing the problem, that Mickey was yankin’ me. 

The teacher couldn’t comprehend what I was doing.  She was speechless.  She thought I was having some type of seizure. 

Sooooo I went with it!  Instead of admitting I wasn’t paying attention, I faked passing out and dropped to the floor!!!!!  (I thought about pee-ing my pants but I didn’t.)

Other than the “smelling salts” treatment, and having to sit in the Principal’s office with a wet wrag on my neck and forehead, it was totally WORTH it!   I completely avoided getting in trouble.  Even better, that teacher made me her favorite for the year cuz she felt bad!!!!!

This week’s Little Johnny Joke from, Kaylan Chaitanya Blog.  

Mini-Post, What Are We Supposed To Do????

Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Amy Winehouse, Britney Spears – Where in the hell are ya?  We need someone to poke fun at!!!!!

Posting Pictures of “My Junk” – Where’s Gloria Allred?

I am a man that has no common sense and I need to be noticed. 

Therefore I am officially posting a photo of “my junk” on the internet.  GOD I hope this gets me noticed!!!!  Here it is, plane as day!

Ok.  Now all I need is Little Susie or one of my former elementary teachers (mentioned in some of those Little Johnny jokes) to come forward and claim emotional harm.  Oh, and I need them to hire Gloria Allred to stand at a press conference and read some Little Johnny jokes to the press as if they were fact!!  I need this so, if you know Susie or Gloria, please forward this to them REAL SOON!

I actually DID post a photo of my gentials on the internet once.  However, the next time I heard anything about it it was when I saw the photo in a pop-up ad on my Facebook page promoting penis enlargement devices!!!   (Unfortunately I was the BEFORE photo.)

As a side note, I STILL think someone’s missing an opportunity to gather all of the women that Rep. Anthony Wiener interacted with and make them a touring group, “Anthony Weiner and The Weinerettes.”  It may be all he has left since he resigned.  The other thing is, I am surprised that this issue hasn’t sparked a new website, http://www.GuessWhatsInMyShortsAndYouCanHaveABite.com. 

That Anthony Weiner is a sneaky little SOAPWORD but STUPID!

Here’s a Little Johnny joke about me SUPPOSEDLY being SNEAKY!

Little Johnny’s teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, “Ma’am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent’s bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face.”

“Ok, Johnny”, the teacher said, trying to help, ” the next time your dad asks you if you’re still awake, don’t answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep.”

All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn’t follow her advice.

Johnny explained, “Ma’am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said ‘I’m coming’, and Mom said ‘I’m coming too’, and I didn’t want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, ‘Let me just put on my slippers, I’m coming too’ and that’s when I got punched in the face.”

Well, as most would agree, envisioning your parents having sex is not especially gratifying.  Knowing that you would be listening to it first-hand is even less pleasing and, if it were true, probably would have turned me into an Asian Monk by the time I was 18.

But here’s a true story.  I was a latch-key kid.  When got home from grade school, I had to call my mom at work, let her know that I was home safely (We didn’t have texting back then sooooo I used this old fashioned thing called a wall phone to make the call.)  One particular day at school, Dicky Dixon came home with me.  Along with a missionary from Ethopia that had visited our school that day.  We invited him over for after-school snacks.  He was African American, or Black, as the term used to be.

When I called my mom to let her know Dicky and I were home safely, I told her that I came home with a Black guy from school.  She was EXTREMELY upset and demanded that I to sit down and relax and put Dicky Dixon on the phone.  She then instructed Dicky to put a bag of ice on the Black guy.   So Dicky told the African American missionary to sit down on a chair and then he nicely placed a huge bag of ice in the guy’s lap.  She told Dicky to have everyone “stay put” until she got home.

You don’t know my mom but NONE of us moved a muscle cuz she told us not to.  This was unfortunate cuz we were looking to enjoy the day with the Ethopian visitor playing kick ball, eating snacks, etc.

An hour later, may mom comes RACING thru the door screaming, “How’s the Black Guy?”  I was a little embarrased that she was so BRASH about our visitor.  As she put her coat away, she said, “Black guy’s can really be TERRIBLE!”  I was even MORE uncomfortable.

(Can you see this coming?)

My mother was HORRIFIED as she came into the room to see me, Dicky Dixon and the Ethiopian missionary (shivering from the ice-bag on his lap over the last hour and a horrified look on his face) sitting in the room.  She was COMPLETELY embarrassed when she realized that I did NOT come home from school with a BLACK EYE!!!!!!!

Little Johnny Joke this week provided by EForU.com

Mini Post, GPS Devices

When your car GPS device voice is sayin’ “In a ditch!” it’s too late to look up at the road!

Little Johnny REWIND: They Cut Mary’s Weiner Off!!!!

My kid graduated from High School this week.  I have been faaaaaar too emtional to write a blog. 

OK, not really, I have been busier than SOAPWORD this week so I am re-posting this cuz the “young and free” attitude of the graduates reminded me of the antics of me and my friend.

Dicky Dickson (yeah that was his REAL name and, NO, he did NOT grow-up to become a porn star).  When we got bored in our neighborhood Dicky Dickson and I would make up a fake treasure hunt list.  We put all kinds of stuff on the list, a coloring book, rag, an old paint brush, deck of cards, a pencil and the ultimate item………… A CAN OF BEER!!! 

Then we would go around the neighborhood in a very “Eddy Haskell way,” hand the list to the neighbors (mostly the older ones) and say, “Excuse me Mrs. __________, we are on a treasure hunt and we are trying to find these items.  Can you please help?”

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD GIVE US A CAN OF BEER!!!!!!  Especially the misters of the houses.  They would do anything to get rid of us so that they could go back to taking their nap or watchin’ their Bonanza reruns. 

By the way, we always put peppermint patties or some kind of mint thing on our treasure hunt list so that we would have something to cover our beer breath. 

The plan was GENIOUS on Dicky’s part.  Of course, we had to make sure that we didn’t’ drink all the beer and go home SLOSHED or puke!    If we had any extra cans from our hunt, we would hide them in an old box of baseball cards. That was the same place we would hide the old Playboy mags that we would steal from our friend Dirty Kurty’s  dad’s sock drawer.  Funny side note, Dicky’s parents and mine would ALWAYS buy us new packs of baseball cards cuz they thought we were REALLY into them given how often we had that box with us!!!! 

So that REALLY happened.   Here’s a Little Johnny story that DIDN’T happen:

Little Mary is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home to her mother, and explain what happened.

On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school.

Little Johnny asks Little Mary, “Where are you going?”

“I’m going home because I’m bleeding,” says Little Mary.

“Where ya bleeding?” asks Little Johnny.

So little Mary pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him.

Little Johnny steps back in horror and says, “Why did they cut your wiener off!?”

 Yep, it’s a funny joke.  But it ain’t true.  There never was a girl named Mary in my class (refer to my previous post  about names in Little Johnny jokes).  Second, in my kid-life, at the site of ANY kind of blood, I pretty much got sick to my stomach and put my head between my legs so I wouldn’t pass out.  I’d turn as white as milk-toast just gettin’ my teeth drilled at the dentist.  If I would have seen Mary bleeding, I would have more than likely fallen  limp to the ground, out cold, pale as a corpse!! 

Dicky Dickson might have actually done something like this though.  By the time we got to high school, Dicky had a scheme where he would go around passing out business cards to all the girls that said, “Dick Dickson, Freelance Gynecologist.”  Dicky was way before his time.  He’s yesterday’s version of                                                       “The Situation.”

By the way, I kind of lost track of Dicky Dickson over the years.   While I know he didn’t become a porn star, I wouldn’t put hit past him that he’s the guy in this picture looking to do breast exams.

Ok.. I gotta go.  The wife’s not home.   I gotta go find my baseball card box (if ya know what I mean)!

By the way, this Little Johnny Joke came from Unwind.com.

“I Am Apologetic for Doing It”

A quote from a HUGE “weiner!”  as per Anthony Weiner!!!!

Then he said, “I regret not being honest about this!”

Haaaaaa.. haaaaaaaa…..haaaaaaaaa…..haaaaaaaaa……haaaaaaaaaaaa

WOW!  I just farted because I was laughing so hard!

And they say Little Johnny is bad!!!  Let me add, why is he apologetic for doing this?  BECAUSE HE WAS CAUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Men Tweeting Photos of Genitals

Another guy has taken photos of his genitals.  And not just another guy.  Certainly not someone as big as Brett Favre BUT big enough – a Canadian politician.  See the full story here.

There was actually a second politician, from New York, Anthony Weiner, who was accused of the same in the same week.  But, despite Mr. Weiner’s news story’s potential for puns and CLASSIC double entendre work, it appears that the “Weiner weiner” story comes with a pretty solid alliby.  And therefore, there is no reason to address it here.

Now back to Canadian friend, George Lepp.  His excuse for tweeting a photo of his genitals is this:

Excerpt from previously attributed article:

Alan Sakach, communications director for the Ontario Conservatives was first quoted by the Toronto Sun as having explained that “the photo was inadvertently taken by Lepp’s BlackBerry when it was in his front pocket.”

Haaa.. haaaa… haaaaa… oh man.  And people say “Little Johnny” has quite an imagination??????  I wish I would have had a communications director like  Alan when I was in grade school.  The Little Johnny jokes would have ended up being quoted more frequently and with more credibility, than Nostradamus or the Dali Lama!!

So how does George want us to believe that this happened?  His phone was in his pocket.  It was PERFECTLY aimed at his genitals.  It was also PERFECTLY focused to show details.  I have heard lots of jokes about that thing being a second brain for guys but I think we are giving the penis WAAAAAAAAAY to much credit if we are saying that it knows how to aim, focus and snap a photo of itself on a smartphone.  Haaaaaa… haaaaa…..haaaaaaaaaa!  And of course, this just HAPPENED to occur on the one day out of the last 1,789 days that he ran out of underoos and was going commando!  Cuz how ELSE would the camera work it’s magic if he was wearing under drawers?

I’m telling ya, know matter where they are in the world, politicians are politicians!!!  When will guys STOP being so proud of their genitals that they THINK everyone wants to see it?  How about this Little Johnny joke about showing yer stuff:

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, “Little Johnny showed me his weenie today at the playground!”

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”

Sally replied, “No SALTY!”

Helllo!!!! Now THAT’S a story!!  But that’s all it is.  But I will tell ya about Gary Hardballs.  He was ALWAYS proud of his stuff.  I guarantee if we had smart phones back then, he woulda been sending some “anaconda in a pillow case” photos! 

The lack of technology did not limit our man Gary in 3rd grade. He thought he woud be cool and traced an outline of his thumb, drew a couple of circles on it as “balls” and copied it on the catholic school mimeograph machine.  He passed it out to all the girls in the 8th grade as proudly as an unemployed Charlie Sheen.  So he was MORTIFIED when all the girls starting making fun HOW SMALL his THINGY was!!!!  His whole plan backfired.  Thru the 12th grade, Gary was known as “LITTLE TOM THUMB!”

Today, when Gary is hanging out in bars, he wears those fake magic thumbs when he’s looking to pick up a date!!!

Today’s Little Johnny Joke Complements of Cosmopolitan Confidential

Mini Post, Viagra Warning

WARNING:

If your Viagra causes an erection for more than 4 hours, stare at pictures of Amy Winehouse NAKED!!

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