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The Longest Elevator Ride Ever

The other day I had a nice breakfast with the boyz.  Unfortunately, breakfast has a tendency to flare up the ol’ irritable bowel situation. 

So there I was, 3o minutes after eating eggs, bacon and italian toast and the intestinal bubbling began.  I determined the closest APPROPRIATE public bathroom facility (cuz I just can’t go anywhere).  So I duck on to an elevator to take me to the secret workplace pooping bathroom.  The bathroom that is used very little and has the lowest chance that someone will walk in on me. 

That’s where I experienced, THE LONGEST ELEVATOR RIDE EVER!!!  The elevator goes between 3 floors and I swear my iphone calendar flipped two calendar dates  going from floor 1 to floor 3 where the secret bathroom resides.  Luckily, I made it just in time, and THEN, I had time to think what would REALLY be the “The Longest Elevator Ride Ever?”

1) current topic – the elevator ride that is taking you to the secret work-pooping spot while your IBS is about as jumpy a

2) the elevator ride where, you were on the elevator by yourself headed to the 15th floor, you eek out a fart, and you go from floor 1 to floor 12 COMPLETELY uninterrupted and you’re feeling lucky then SUDDENLY  the elevator stops on floor 14 and some fat “SOAPWORD” gets on and presses 15!

3) the elevator ride where, you get on with your girlfriend and your wife’s already on it

4) the elevator ride with James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers going in for his “spanking” meeting with the NFL Commissioner

5) the elevator ride with people dressed as Harry Potter characters AND THEIR OVER THE AGE OF 40!!

6) the elevator ride on which you fart because you believe the elevator is going up and you figure the smell will go to the floor with the up-motion of the elevator but only to find the elevator is going down and the stench rises to nose level

7) the elevator ride where the really hot girl sticks her finger in her ear to scrape some was out and then SNIFFS her finger nail

Post YOUR “Longest Elevator Ride Ever” below.  In the meantime, here’s a little UNSUSPECTING type Little Johnny joke.

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.

She started to guess what was inside. “Chocolates?” she asked.

“Nope.”

“A Cake?”

Johnny shook his head No.

Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, “Ah, I know-dill pickles.”

“No,” Johnny said, “it’s a puppy.”

Ha!  Funny stuff but didn’t happen.  But here IS something that REALLY happened.

Every Tuesday in the summer, Pauly Cusik and I used to deliver groceries to a lady in an apartment building. Pauly and I would do it for the money plus the lady would buy us all the Slim Jims we wanted.  The problem is, Slim Jims were irritants to my IBS too.  So on the way back from the store, groceries in hand, we would each eat a box of Slim Jims (otherwise known as the bestest mechanically separated meat EVER).  We always had to be back by 10am so we were always on the apartment building elevator at the same time. And that was the same time, every Tuesday, that some lady was on the elevator with her Labra-doodle.

Well, the Slim Jims would do their thing and Pauly and I would BOTH have gas on the rising elevator.  Everytime we got off or new people got on and smelled the stench, we would say, “Whew, that dog must have SOAPWORD himself.”  We did this every Tuesday – same Slim Jims, same IBS, same lady with the same dog.

Finally, the lady we were shopping for told us she had to fire us because other residents of the apartment building complained that we stunk up the place.  When we tried to blame it on the STINKY DOG on the elevator, she then told us that was Mrs. Martin, and that her Labra-doodle had died over a year ago and that she had him stuffed to carry around with her!!!!   

OK.. comment below, “The Longest Elevator Ride Ever Was/Would Be………..

Chocolate Cookies and Apples and the NFL

Whoooaaaa! The NFL has fined some players for making TOO HARD of hits in a football game. 

WHAAAAAAAAAT? 

I know everyone hates those, “when we were little” statements BUT when I was Little Johnny, we played tackle football with no pads in old muddy, stump-filled fields and broken concrete school yards.  If we tore a limb off, we had our buddies duct tape and staple it back on cuz we KNEW that, if one of us went home with a torn off arm or leg, our mothers would BEAT US with it and send us to our room to “think about what we had done!!!!” 

By the way, did you see the NFL guys that were fined?  James Harrison’s so intimidating that I wouldn’t throw him the middle finger from a half-mile away if I was an Olympic sprinter.  In the meantime, the NFL Comish’ner gives the guy a $75,000 fine which is like giving Harrison TWO middle fingers, takin’ yer socks off and givin’em two middle toes too! 

NO HARD HITS in the NFL!

So all the boys will be sitting in a sports bar watchin’ the game on the big screen.  I can see it now.  INSTEAD of everyone watching some bone CRRRRUNCHING hit and yelling, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh SOAPWORD!!  Did you SOAPWORDing see that?”  they’ll all watch a play and yell things like, “Ohhhhhhhh, SOAPWORD, when I use the win probability model to evaluate 4th down decisions, I’m doing SOAPWORDing prescriptive analysis!!!! 

It’ll be like goin’ to see an Amish boxing match!  MORE BEERS PLEASE (Lots more, we’re gonna need’em!)

Here’s the weird thing, when I see the pics of James Harrison I am instantly reminded of our Catholic school principal, Sister Bartholemew.  They’re built EXACTLY the same.  Sister Bartholemew’s most intimidating feature was a wart on her chin that had so much wiry black hair stickin’ out of it that I thought she had a baby porcupine stuck to her face.   

As usual, talking about Catholic school, leads me to another Little Johnny joke which is about as Bull-SOAPWORD as the new NFL rules:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chips cookies.

Little Johnny put a note there, “Take all you want.  God is watching the apples.”

This Little Johnny story is EASY to off.  When I was in Catholic elementary school, there was no cafeteria.  I ate my lunch out of a metal Lee Majors lunch box and matching thermos.

Here’s another thing, we feared ol’ Sister Bartholemew more than we feared the good Lord himself.  God was SUPPOSED to have a beard but Sister Bart had a better one!!  So that fact that there was a note from God on the apples meant nothing.  The fact that Sister Bartholomew guarded the apples and cookies in a Defensive Lineman stance and blew steam from her nostrils (even on hot days) was REAL the intimidating factor. 

Finally, I do admit to taking about 10 cookies one day during school snack time.  The fact is, I didn’t get to eat all of cookies that day so I put them in my pants pockets.  Guess where those chocolate chips ended up?  Yep, my mom’s washer and dryer.  Guess what my punishment was?  She ripped one of my limbs off, beat me with it and then sent me to my room to think about what I had done.

 BTW, credit to the Little Johnny joke this week goes to: E-Forwards.com

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