The other day I had a nice breakfast with the boyz. Unfortunately, breakfast has a tendency to flare up the ol’ irritable bowel situation.
So there I was, 3o minutes after eating eggs, bacon and italian toast and the intestinal bubbling began. I determined the closest APPROPRIATE public bathroom facility (cuz I just can’t go anywhere). So I duck on to an elevator to take me to the secret workplace pooping bathroom. The bathroom that is used very little and has the lowest chance that someone will walk in on me.
That’s where I experienced, THE LONGEST ELEVATOR RIDE EVER!!! The elevator goes between 3 floors and I swear my iphone calendar flipped two calendar dates going from floor 1 to floor 3 where the secret bathroom resides. Luckily, I made it just in time, and THEN, I had time to think what would REALLY be the “The Longest Elevator Ride Ever?”
1) current topic – the elevator ride that is taking you to the secret work-pooping spot while your IBS is about as jumpy a
2) the elevator ride where, you were on the elevator by yourself headed to the 15th floor, you eek out a fart, and you go from floor 1 to floor 12 COMPLETELY uninterrupted and you’re feeling lucky then SUDDENLY the elevator stops on floor 14 and some fat “SOAPWORD” gets on and presses 15!
3) the elevator ride where, you get on with your girlfriend and your wife’s already on it
4) the elevator ride with James Harrison of the Pittsburgh Steelers going in for his “spanking” meeting with the NFL Commissioner
5) the elevator ride with people dressed as Harry Potter characters AND THEIR OVER THE AGE OF 40!!
6) the elevator ride on which you fart because you believe the elevator is going up and you figure the smell will go to the floor with the up-motion of the elevator but only to find the elevator is going down and the stench rises to nose level
7) the elevator ride where the really hot girl sticks her finger in her ear to scrape some was out and then SNIFFS her finger nail
Post YOUR “Longest Elevator Ride Ever” below. In the meantime, here’s a little UNSUSPECTING type Little Johnny joke.
Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.
She started to guess what was inside. “Chocolates?” she asked.
Johnny shook his head No.
Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, “Ah, I know-dill pickles.”
“No,” Johnny said, “it’s a puppy.”
Ha! Funny stuff but didn’t happen. But here IS something that REALLY happened.
Every Tuesday in the summer, Pauly Cusik and I used to deliver groceries to a lady in an apartment building. Pauly and I would do it for the money plus the lady would buy us all the Slim Jims we wanted. The problem is, Slim Jims were irritants to my IBS too. So on the way back from the store, groceries in hand, we would each eat a box of Slim Jims (otherwise known as the bestest mechanically separated meat EVER). We always had to be back by 10am so we were always on the apartment building elevator at the same time. And that was the same time, every Tuesday, that some lady was on the elevator with her Labra-doodle.
Well, the Slim Jims would do their thing and Pauly and I would BOTH have gas on the rising elevator. Everytime we got off or new people got on and smelled the stench, we would say, “Whew, that dog must have SOAPWORD himself.” We did this every Tuesday – same Slim Jims, same IBS, same lady with the same dog.
Finally, the lady we were shopping for told us she had to fire us because other residents of the apartment building complained that we stunk up the place. When we tried to blame it on the STINKY DOG on the elevator, she then told us that was Mrs. Martin, and that her Labra-doodle had died over a year ago and that she had him stuffed to carry around with her!!!!
OK.. comment below, “The Longest Elevator Ride Ever Was/Would Be………..
Well, the door is now open to Casey Anthony Trial “Media Doll Wanna-bee’s!”
Russell Huekler, teacher from Pinellas County, Florida a STAND-BY juror for the trial has made his way to pretty much every media outlet that will have him, Today Show, GMA, CBS Morning Show, CNN, Sesamee Street….
HE DIDN’T EVEN DELIBERATE!!!!!!!! And he got a page-and-a-half of Google results.
No confirmation that he will be the new host of the new cable TV show, “The Next Alternate Juror Star!” However, he IS confirmed to be a guest on Iron Chef and is expected to do a “Throw Down With Bobby Flay” program regarding Cooking-For-One-On-a Hot-Plate Filmed in One of the REAL-LIFE Alternate Juror Hotel Rooms.
Old Russ is gonna have one Helluva GREAT “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” story!!!! But he’s not a real juror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Speaking of things not being real, here’s another NOT-real Little Johnny story.
One year, Little Johnny’s family was having a Fourth of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was lighting some illegal fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.)
Just before he was to arrive, Cousin Joe called, saying his neighbors’ plans had just fallen through. Cousin Joe asked if he could bring the neighbors along to the picnic. Little Johnny’s dad said, “Sure, the more the merrier!”
When Cousin Joe arrived with his neighbors, Little Johnny and his dad found out that the head of the neighbor family was a police officer.
Little Johnny’s dad turned, as innocently as he could, to his son and whispered for him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Little Johnny disappeared, and the Little Johnny’s dad changed the topic to food for the day.
The new guests had brought some chicken to grill, so Little Johnny’s dad told them the gas grill was all set to use out back — they just had to turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.
The neighbor guests, including the police officer, headed out to the back as Little Johnny returned through the front door. Little Johnny’s father hurried to him and said, “Whew, that was close! That man’s a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?”
Little Johnny said, “Oh, yeah, I hid them in the grill!”
Now THAT is a funny Little Johnny joke but, once again, not real (like Russell Huekler). And speaking of not real, ranking right-on up there with our dads taking us down to the edge of the river, pointing across and telling us the other side was “Europe,” Micky Carroll’s dad fooled us every Fourth of July in our young, stupid days.
We would get all excited. Micky’s dad was gonna put on a show for us and, the real kicker, we didn’t have to push our way through any crowds to see the town’s fireworks.
Just as it got to be dusk, we would beg him, “Can we do them now? Can we? Can we? Huh?” He would always quietly settle us down and say, “Soon, very soon! We can’t use them until it’s really dark!” The anticipation would KILL us!
Finally, the time would come. Micky’s dad would tell us to go inside and look out the front porch window. All of us, Gary Hardballs, Dirty Kurty, Micky, Dickie Dickson would squeeze to the window. (Micky never had any idea WHY we had to go inside! But we did.)
And there we all were, ready to go and Micky’s dad would be outside with his ear cups on and all. Then suddenly, THERE IT WAS!!!!!!! “Awesome, oooooh, aaahhhhh, wooooooow!” And then, within a few minutes, it was over. But we were satiated for another year.
In our later years, we found out that what we were soooooo excited about was a single RAILROAD FLARE that Micky’s dad would bring home from work!!!! Yeah, once we found THAT out we felt about as STUPID as a no-armed 18-year-old boy in a 25-cent porn movie booth!!!!
Search at the top by name for all of the post mentiong, Dirty Kurty, Gary Hardballs, Dickie Dickson and Mickey Carroll.
Since I did such a great job interviewing Charlie Sheen back in March, (read entire interview here) Donald Trump’s apprentice manager, of his non-existing-presidential-campaign, asked me to interview The Donald.
By the way, there was one stipulation to the interview: Do not ask about or refer to his hair.
Being folliclly challenged myself, I had no quams. However, I was nervous that my eyes would constantly gravitate to his hair during the interview so I planned on picturing him with big boobs and cleavage so I would have something to stare at.
Here’s a transcript of my Donald Trump interview.
ME: Thanks for meeting me hair, um, (throat clear) HERE today. What is your favorite Broadway play?
(dead silence on my part – beads of sweat begin to emerge)
ME: Well, um, (throat clear), good. I saw that you were interviewed by George Stephanopoulos. He gave you a pretty tough time about the whole Obama birth certificate issue.
TRUMP: Hey, so he may think he won that, but campaigning is not a sprint, it’s a marathon, did you ever see the story of the “Tortoise and the Hare?”
(more dead silence on my part and now I’m wishing I had some Gas X and TUMS) .
ME: Sir, do you know that you keep doing that?
TRUMP: Keep doing what?
ME: Nothing, nothing. Let’s move on. I saw the photos of your newly redecorated office. It looks very lavish. Will you want to redecorate the White House if you move into it?
TRUMP: Hey, I buy lavish stuff with MY money, not the governments. Actually, quite frankly, with how much taxes I pay, most of the government money IS mine. But I won’t be like that. For the White House, I just want the carpet to match the drapes!
ME: Is that a hair reference?
TRUMP: Pardon me?
ME: Never mind. Do you have a favorite Little Johnny joke?
TRUMP: A what?
ME: You know, a Little Johnny joke. That’s what we do here, we REFUTE the Little Johnny jokes, ya know, tell the REAL story.
TRUMP: Do people actually tell jokes using names other than TRUMP? If so, let me know, I’ll buy the rights to them and force them to have MY name inserted into all of them.
ME: Oh, I almost forgot. If you were President, what would you do with Muammar Gaddafi?
TRUMP: I don’t care about him. We’ll take him out easily. We’re currently the laughing stock of the world over this. This is business. I will offer him asylum on the NBC Apprentice Show. I’ll put him in a room with Gary Busey. He’ll flip his wig!.
ME: So here’s an example of a Little Johnny joke:
The teacher of an earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?”
After a loooooong confused silence of kids staring at each other, Little Johnny shouted, “I guess you’d be eating alone.
TRUMP: See, I hate what’s happening to this country? Every kid should have a GPS unit!
ME: But wait, the story isn’t true. Our earth science teacher in 5th grade was EXTREMELY hot. Me and my friend Dirty Kurty used to flip coins over who would marry her someday. One day we were going over maps and Dirty Kurty thought he was gonna get a leg up on me in the relationship when he complemented the teacher, who was wearing a dress that day, about the “MINK STOCKINGS” she was wearing. As it turned out, she had not shaved her legs, probably for most of the winter, and lotsa wirey hairs were sticking through her stockings!!! He had a GREAT time eating lunch, ALONE, while the rest of us were out for recess!
TRUMP: Was that a “hair reference?”
ME: No, um, I, um….
TRUMP: Little Johnny, YOU’RE FIRED!
NOTE: Celebrity Voices Impersonated
See “CHARLEY SHEEN” Interview HERE!
See The Story About CRAZY Grade School Names HERE
Little Johnny Joke Source HERE
Before we get to this week’s joke rebuttal, is anyone else TOTALLY confused when you go to purchase a refill computer printer cartridge? Honestly, I had so many numbers in my head I felt like an air traffic controller.
My CX6600 printer takes a T044120 black cartridge and the T044220, T044320, T044240 color cartridges. But WAIT! They didn’t have them so I had to revert to the on-shelf cross-reference catalogue that reads like my high school trigonometry book and search for a “compatible” store brand cartridge. Finally, I succumbed to the pressure and asked the manager for help. Off the top of her head, she said the T044220 could be replaced by the generic BG77G1 or the store brand 8J4-MQ. She spewed the numbers and letters so fast, that some older lady, who was there looking for scrapbooking supplies, automatically yelled “BINGO!”
So have ya heard the one about little Johnny learning construction?
Little Johnny’s mom told him to go next door and play at the construction site. She said he may learn something as well.
After about three hours, he returns home. His mom asked if he learned anything while he was there. He said, “yes maam”!
She asked what and he replied, “well, I learned that the damn door don’t hang that way it goes the other way, and the dirt pile doesn’t go there, the son-of-a –“soap word” goes over there, and somebody ordered the wrong “soap word” windows”.
His mom immediately told him to go to his room until his father comes home.
Later his dad came home and after the mother informing him of what took place, he called him down and asked what he said.
“I told mom that the damn door don’t hang that way, it goes the other way. And that the dirt pile doesn’t go there, the son-of-a-“soap word” goes over there, and somebody ordered the wrong “soap word” windows.”
Johnny’s dad was highly upset. He explained that they didn’t use that kind of language in the house. He told Johnny to march himself outside and get a SWITCH.
Little Johnny turned to his dad and said “Get a SWITCH? “Soap word” You!,” that’s the electrician’s job!”
When I first read this there were sooooo many “soap words” that I thought I was actually watching Snooki on the Jersey Shore show. Maybe she should hang out at a construction site and learn how to “bang” other things like NAILS!
Truth of this story is, I did hang out at some construction sites as a kid. But it ain’t where I learned swear words! It IS however, where I learned the art of selling sandwiches. Yep, I would sneak over to the construction sites early in the morning and snatch the workers’ sandwiches out of their work bins and lunch boxes. Then, right around lunchtime I would show up with some homemade sodas and Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches and sell them to the hungry workers that seemed to “forget their sandwich” that day!!!!
The best part is that I would double dip by taking the stolen sandwiches to a different construction site and sell THEM too. It was BRILLIANT!! Who wouldn’t by an extra sandwich from a cute little kid hanging out in his blue jeans, work boots with his toy hammer hanging from the pocket!!!!
I will admit this however, in my real life, when I came home from trying to purchase replacement printer cartridges, and my wife asked how it went I DID say something like,
“Well I learned that the damn printer don’t take just any cartridges, and the high volume black cartridge isn’t easy to find, the son-of-a –“soap word” is a special order, and somebody at Staples didn’t order enough “soap word” cyan and magenta cartridges!”
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