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Top Party School Report For Little Johnny – DISTURBING!

As my son, “Little-er Johnny” who is ALSO now all-grown-up, gets ready to head off to his freshman year of college, reading the Top Party School Report is quite disturbing.  Will his $175 book be a learning tool or a forehead pillow as he’s passed out in class?  Will the food swipe card be how he replenished nutrients of his tired, studied-so-hard body or will it be his late-night-after-drinking MUNCHIE bank?  Will he remember what soap and a haircut and a razor is?

From my perspective, I was disappointed that my alma mater was NOT  listed on the party list.  I can testify that it was #1 when I was there.  For 18  loooooooooooooong months I worked on my MBA day and night at Kaplan ON-LINE University.  From my perspective, this was the #1 party school because I am pretty sure that I drank EVERY NIGHT working on my papers and interacting with my class mates in chat rooms.  It was no different than regularl college – I sat around in my underwear, scrathing myself as needed with a cold something or other to drink. 

The Kaplan fraternity parties sucked however..they were just chat rooms where we posted pictures of ourselves in togas holding a beer.  My kids were perplexed that nights we had parties. They couldn’t understand why I was in front of my laptop in a toga and spilling beer on my own head.  Mrs. Little Johnny was peeved when I peed in the front yard in the middle of the night. 

One thing I know is that “Little-er Johnny” is gonna get an education on his Greyhound Bus ride back and forth to school – how the other half lives as one might say.  Hmmmmm.  Just hope he doesn’t meet his future wife on that bus!  In the meantime, here’s a story about Little Johnny on a bus ride.

Little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
Little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’

Little Johnny replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’

Little Johnny said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way! ‘The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

Little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

Well, there are LOTS of anecdotes as to why priests should wear condoms but the story above is NOT what really happened.  The REAL story is, me and Dirty Kurty were on a bus going to a summer church camp.  It was the first time we had been on a big tour bus – we were in our teens and devious.  We sat next to the priest on the bus cuz he was in charge of assigning the dorms and we always wanted the one CLOSEST TO THE CAFETERIA so we could sneak over to break into the camp fridges for midnight snacks.

Well, we over indulged one night.  The next day we headed home on the bus and, you know from the previous Dirty Kurty posts, he suffered from irritable bowel issues.  As soon as the bus started for home, the priest addressed everyone about there being a break-in at the camp cafeteria.  The tension of potentially being caught mixed with the late night snacks put Dirty Kurty’s bowels in HIGH GEAR!   He started releasing silent-but-deadlies! 

The bus started to smell and the priest looked at Sally, who was sitting behind Dirty Kurty and said, “Sally, get over here right NOW and sit next to me!”  Dirty Kurty and I thought, “uhhhh he blamed Sally for the gas!” 

Dirty Kurty’s issues continued and the priest broke his speech again and yelled at Milktoast Dave, who was sitting across the aisle from Dirty Kurty, and said, “David, get over here right NOW!!!”  and he made David sit near Sally.  Again we thought PERFECT!!!  The priest think Dave and Sally are farting!

As Dirty Kurty continued to let out stinky sliders, the priest finally yelled, “OK EVERYONE move away from Kurt because if he is actually CRAPPING himself, I don’t want you to get any on your shoes!!!”

See ya Tuesday for a mini-post… make sure you email this to your friends!

Today’s Little Johnny Joke from the Beer Army website.

Oprah’s Gone – Get Seal Team 6 to Replace Her!

Well, the Oprah Show is now gone! 

Well, kind of!  But it’s hard to be sad cuz it’s basically been  like watching a cowboy die in an old spaghetti western over the last year.  No time to be sad.  Only time to figure out how the TV stations can replace Oprah with something that makes money!

I say, who’s the hottest commodity right now?  Seal Team 6. 

And here’s some thoughts on TV shows:

“Dancing With the Stars” Featuring the Seal Team 6 (Would be fun to see exactly WHAT kind of dance outfits they convince THESE guys to wear) This would ALSO give the guys, who had to wait outside during the raid, a chance to get one over on their Seal Team mates who went inside and did “the deed.”

Seal Team “Throw Down With Bobby Flay” (where they actually take turns cooking and THROWING DOWN Bobby Flay with close quarters combat moves)

Seal Team “Cake Boss” (where they storm into the kitchen and tell Buddy to “shut the SOAPWORD up” and make him stop SCREACHING when he talks)

Diners, Drive-ins and Tough Mother SOAPWORDer Dives” (Seal Team Six performs surprise assault entry on local chefs)

“The Voice via Seal Team Six” (you come out and sing, they spin around in their chair if they DON’T like you, with their weapon of choice. If all of them spin around, you pick which red dot on your body you want to take you out.)

You may THINK I’m a TV MOGUL GENIOUS from reading my ideas above, but I am not – just tryin’ to help.  Here’s a Little Johnny Joke about me “just trying to help.”

A third grade teacher always took roll call each morning and had the students answer by reciting a short poem.  The first kid sat in the first row was a teacher’s pet.  He stood and said, “My name is Dan, and when I become a man, I would like to go to Japan if I can and I think I can.”

The next kid was a little girl who sat in the middle of the room.  She stood up and answered the roll call by stating, “My name is Suzy and when I become a lady, I would like to have a baby if I can and I think I can.”

Finally it came to Little Johnny, a smart guy sitting in the back of the room. He stood up and said, “My name is Johnny, and I don’t give a SOAPWORD about Japan but I would like to help Suzy in her plan if I can … and I think can!”

Third grade thinking sex????  Here’s how it REALLY happened.

Dirty Kurty and Micky Carrol were a little wise about sex in third grade  – just not geniuses.  Our third grade teacher was quite fulfilled at the top of her body – sweater kitting kind of stuff!  

During roll call one day, the teacher asked for volunteers to help her put her “memory photo book” together after school.  During roll call Dirty Kurty and Micky GLADLY volunteered!  I thought, what suckups!

That day, they spent close to 4 hours helping the teacher put a scrapbook of class photos together – they were bored has SOAPWORD!!!  Turns out, they were VAGUELY familiar with the term “MAMMARY” and, the whole day, they thought they were going to be helping the teacher put her “MAMMARY PHOTO BOOK” together!!!!  Yep, thought they were going to be seeing BOOBIE PHOTOS!!!  Ahhhh, the naiveté of young testosterone!!!

By the way, all of these JUDGES shows make me THANK GOD for my DVR:  Show opening, (FAST FORWARD) ,  activity (FAST FORWARD), score, (FAST FORWARD), next activity,  (FAST FORWARD), crying from winner, (FAST FORWARD), previews from next week,  end.  DONE in 26 minutes!

Speaking of Seal Team 6 and “memories,” remember MONDAY IS MEMORIAL DAY!!!!  It is a day to enjoy our freedom of being able to shop, take off work, take a trip, etc. because of the folks in our MILITARY!!!

Today’s Little Johnny Joke via @HilariousJoke

Mini-Post, Goin’ To the Drive-in

There’s some STRANGE movie at the Drive-in this week: “Flea Market Sunday”

I might actually go see it to see if its worth purchasing the DVD.

Mini-Post, Do Ya Like Coffee?

So ya say ya like the taste of coffee, HUH?

But ya can’t drink it unless it has 2 shots of vanilla syrup, 2 soy creams, a touch of caramel and a dash of cinnamon!

Yep, you LOVE the taste of coffee, dontcha!

(Thought of this while standing in line waiting for a simple hot chocolate – which is what I drink cuz I DON’T like the taste of coffee even if it has a sassy name like an Iced Single Vente, 7 pump Peppermint, Caramel Sauce Top and Bottom, Light Ice, No whip, Whole-Lotta-Crappa Mocha.)

Little Johnny April Fools Day

Whadda ya gonna do today?

* Dr. Cyrl Wecht admitted to being the SECOND guy that shot John F. Kennedy.  APRIL FOOLS!

 * Snookie knows the difference between a baseball MITT and M.I.T.   APRIL FOOLS!

 * Charlie Sheen has had MORE sex than a Catholic Bishop.   APRIL FOOLS!  (DUH, Winning!)

(Yep, mentioning Charlie Sheen is STILL a great way to get high on the blog search engines.)

Ok.. so it’s April Fools Day.  If you didn’t plan any pranks yet, here’s one of my favs.  

Find the number to yer local aviary or exoctic bird store.  Then, leave a message for your boss to call back to “Mr. Bird” at that number.  Oh yeah….  Do you have ANY idea how iritated the people on the other end of the phone get and how STUPID yer boss will feel when they get called a “Jackass?” (NOTE: This prank worked a lot better before caller ID)

DISCLAIMER: If yer boss doesn’t like the joke and ya end up at a new job, pressin’ pictures of burgers and milk shakes on a cash register and sayin’, “Would you like fries with that?” don’t blame me. 

Want a Little Johnny joke about birds?  Well, yer gonna get one! 

An elementary school math teacher asked her class one day, “If there are three birds on a wire, and a farmer shot one, how many are left?”

One little boy said two, but little Sally, realizing it was a trick question, said, “None, ’cause everyone knows that if you shoot at birds they all fly away.” The teacher congratulates her on her correct answer.

Little Johnny, however, disagreed. He said, “No, there would be one — the one that the farmer shot.”

The teacher replied, “No, Johnny, you’re wrong, but I like the way you think.”

Then Little Johnny said, “OK, teacher, I have a riddle for you.  Let’s say three women are at a bar and they each order a single scoop ice cream cone. The first one eats it by gently licking it around the edges, the second slowly sucks the ice cream off the cone from the top, and the third gobbles the top and then sucks the rest out of the cone. Which one is married?”

After a few seconds of contemplation, the teacher replied, “Well, I think it must be the third, the one that gobbles the top and sucks out the inside.”

Johnny responded, “No, teacher, you’re wrong — it’s the one with the wedding ring. But I like the way you think.”

But here’s the REAL story.  Our 4th grade Catholic School math teacher – a NON-nun – was pretty hot.  Dirty Kurty used to call her “CONES” cause her boobs were soooo big and pointy that they looked like highway cones.  When his mom was shopping for underwear, Dirty Kurty would stand near the EXTRA LARGE bras (ya know the ones that look like the could be a skull cap on Pro-wrestler screw-up Kurt Angle) in hopes that “Ms. Cones” would come by to purchase some lingerie!

One day we went for a field trip to the local ice cream stand.  “Ms. Cones” was carrying too many ice cream cones in her hand.  She handed one to everyone and then handed hers to Dirty Kurty to hold until she got settled.  She looked over, and saw her ice cream dripping and she said the words that put Dirty Kurty into a coma, “Kurty, could you please like the ice cream off of my cone before it drips off?”   Dirty Kurty had to be sent to the Emergency Department for “dehydration” cuz he played with, well YOU KNOW, too many times that night. 

OK.  Happy April Fools Day!  Comment below about yer favorite prank OR give me feedback on how yer pranks go today!

BTW, the new “Little Johnny” animated movie starts today in Australia, CLICK HERE.

How Does Little Johnny Think?

Things I Think:

— If your real names are Mr. and Mrs. John and Sally Smith – is it EXTREMELY difficult to get a hotel room somewhere?  I can just see the front desk staff, “Yessir, I understand, you and (putting their fingers up as quote marks) Mrs. Smith need a room?  Sure, no problem.  Will that be cash?”

— As I get older, the more I wish they made 110-thread count Egyptian-linen toilet paper.  In my younger days, I didn’t give a “SOAPWORD” if my toilet paper had chips of wood in it!

— Rebecca Black (if you don’t know her, Google her) – so, Rebecca Black and Rebacca Black’s mother – is there any wonder why we are so far behind the Chinese in math and science?  PRIORITIES MOM!!!!

— Dirty Kurty texts me photos of his daily bowel movements.  I usually text some type of stupid message back like, “Wow, did they find the Loch Ness monster in yer toilet ?”  The question is, does that make HIM weird or is it ME that’s has some serious issues?

— 16 years ago I told myself I was going to become a top-level fashion designer so that when my daughter turned 16, I would make sure that the “AMISH LOOK” was “in” so that it was fashionable for her to be covered from neck-to-ankle.  I didn’t make it.  Lady Gaga did.  And now my daughter wants to be carried to school in an EGG!

— What in the “SOAPWORD” would dress-down Friday actually be for computer programmers?? 

— Micky Carol and I STILL laugh about, when we were teenagers, we drove a priest to the airport in HIS car.  After we dropped him off, we were driving home, saw a jackass driver and gave him the finger.  After we PARKED the car we realized it had a CLERGY sign in the window!!  (I’m actually laughing right now)

Before I get TOO random, here’s a Little Johnny joke (keep in mind, it’s NOT true):

 Little Johnny asked his mother, “Mommy, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?” 

“Of course not! Where did you hear such nonsense?” asked his mother.

Little Johnny answered, “Well, the other day Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary.”

This couldn’t be further from the truth. My dad never had a “sex-retary.”  On the other hand, if he did, and he if he had sex with her and my mom woulda found out about it, she WOULDA  taken HIM apart like a machine.  It woulda looked like the movie Transformers – she woulda turned him into a VW Beetle with his head shoved up his “SOAPWORD” and his eyeballs sticking outta his belly button for headlights!

One time, in Cub Scouts, me and Dicky Dickson and Gary Hardballs walked in on our Scout Master and another kid’s mom.  We were too young to realize what we were seeing at the time and too young to realize we shoulda watched a little longer.  By the time we were old enough to realize what we had seen that night,  we all realized we shoulda been shocked as “SOAPWORD” that Scout Master was doing it with a FEMALE.  (FYI, the three of us got outta the scouts when we found out our next level was called WEBLOW.  Yeah, you got it.  I group of men and boys and it’s called WE Blow!!!)

By the way, to raise money for my new nonprofit organization, this weekend I will be at a local book store signing books.  I will sign as many of the store’s books as I can before they kick my “SOAPWORD” out for defacing their property!

See ya next Tuesday for a Mini-post! 

BTW, I’m on Twitter, @IamLittleJohnny

Mini Post of the Week

Question: 

If you’re a guy and you win a brand new car while you’re in the audience of the Ellen Degeneres Show, do you admit to your “guy friends” where you got the car?

I would.  I just wouldn’t tell them until after the show aired so that they didn’t see me singin’ and dancin’ like a Jack-ass on the opening segment!!!!  (Cuz I DO dance like a Jack-ass!)

Little Johnny and Facebook!

So I’m out with some friends who take a few pictures on their phone while we’re being stupid.  By the next day I’m “tagged” in a Facebook page.  Whatever happened to those BLACK BARS that got put over people’s faces in embarrassing photos years ago.  Should that be an option on Facebook photos?

I dig the whole Facebook thing.  As a matter of fact, you can join the “Fans of I am Little Johnny Group.”   But when Facebook  overtakes your life and substitutes for regular communication between you and the world, you may need a psych consult. When you feel that the only way to berate your significant other, your boss, your kids OR YOUR PET is to post that thought on Facebook, you’ve got issues waaaaaaaay past the standard Charlie Sheen Psychological Evaluation Counseling Package!!

Remember hanging out in bars when they turned the lights on at 2am?  At the 2am BIG REVEAL you could actually SEE what the person you’ve been talking to all night REALLY looked like.  Remember the HORROR and lump in your gut you felt most times when the lights came on? In some cases you would pretend faint, force yourself to violently vomit or even fake a seizure just to put distance between you and the “revealed beast” knowing, full well,  that you would probably never see that person again.

So now with Facebook, you “FRIEND” a new person or, even worse, a long lost friend that you haven’t seen in years.  You talk nice-ies and maybe some sex-ies and do the whole verbal footsie thing for a little bit.  And despite the fact that the other person has  a picture of their cat or their car, or even worse, a super hero action figure as their profile picture,  you make arrangements to meet face-to-face.   Just like the 2am reveal!  OOOOPS!!  Now you KNOW why they are on Facebook so much and NOT out meeting real people!!!!!  The bad news is ya can’t fake a seizure cuz it won’t matter, they know how to keep IM’ing ya via Facebook!!!

If you’re an adult who’s Facebook status is “uggh, what a day” or “headed to the store” or your Farmville status is updated 11 times in 24 hours, you  probably need to consider the need to purchase a spouse from overseas via the internet !!! Just to for some social diversity. 

If Facebook is having techinal issues and you post, “What is wrong with Facebook today?”  who in the SOAPWORD do you think is going to see it and respond?  You’re now talking to a VIRTUAL wall, in public AND documenting it!!!!  

I like Facebook but there’s a lot of stupid spilled on it every day.  Speaking of stupid stuff, check out this Little Johnny joke:

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Johnny stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, “Johnny, do you really think you’re stupid?”

“No,” Johnny said. “But I didn’t want you standing up there alone.”

As you know from previous postings I had nuns for teachers in elementary school.  Had I ever insinuated that a nun was STUPID I would have had scars that would horrify Dr. Cyril Wecht!  By the way, I WAS pretty stupid in grade school.  In 4th grade I was still trying to memorize the primary color wheel, mastering the art of picking my nose with that sneaky- thumb-sidescrape maneuver and swiping the boogers on the underside of my desktop.

Meantime, there’s Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook inventor, that’s been looking at the whole world as 1’s and 0’s since he got bored playing with the mobile above his crib.  I’m thinking HE is the kind of guy that would tell a 4th grade teacher he or she was stupid AND be able to prove it, logrhythmically of course.

By they way, WHO do you believe in the debate of who really started Facebook?  The geeky, withdrawn, red-haired, socially retarded Mark Zuckerberg OR the two studly, movie life-guard lookin’ Winklevoss twins that just wiggled their way into MILLIONS of dollars?

My thouughts?  Somone named in the previous sentence needed to invent SOME way of getting dates and it ain’t the twin stud-muffins!!!

Your thoughts? Email me: IamLittleJohnny@comcast.net

THE COUP de GRACE OF EVIDENCE

I have found the coup de grâce of proof that debunks the Little Johnny jokes.   I didn’t even have to consult McGee, DiNozzo, Ziva, Gibbs and Abby from NCIS!  (BTW, do you ever think there will be a new version of the “Betty or Wilma/Ginger or MaryAnn” jokes that compares Abby and Ziva?)

Comparing the two jokes below makes the Little Johnny jokes look like Urban Legends.  Everyone has their own version of one and it was their friend’s FRIEND that it ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO!!  All I know is that I don’t drink in hotel bars on business trips anymore ‘cuz I don’t want to find myself waking up in a bathtub without my kidneys!

Joke (Version 1): One bright Sunday morning Cindy and Mark took their eight-year-old son, Johnny, to Catholic mass. They sat right in the front so Johnny could get all the benefits from church. But as we know eight-year-old boys do not like church at all. Especially little Johnny. Halfway through the priest`s sermon, Johnny fell asleep. The priest noticed this, and it was distracting him from preaching.

The priest decided to go over to Johnny and ask him a question about God.
“Son, do you know who created all the heavens and earth?”
His mother, Cindy, who did not want to be embarrassed by her son falling asleep, stuck a pin in her son`s right butt cheek. “GOD!!!!” Cried little Johnny.
“Very good,” the priest replied. For he could not say it was wrong.

A short while later, Johnny fell asleep again. The priest noticed this and decided to ask another question, “Who was Mary and Joseph`s son?”

Johnny`s dad, Mark, did not want to be embarrassed either, so he stuck a pin in his son`s left butt cheek. “JESUS CHRIST!!!!” Yelled Johnny.   And once again the priest replied “Very good.”

Near the end of the church service, Johnny could not control himself and fell asleep again. For the last time, the priest decided to embarrass him and ask a very hard question, “What did Eve say to Adam on the morning when they woke up on the first day?”

But before Johnny`s parents could do anything Johnny shouted, “IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I`M GOING TO TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF!”

*       *        *

Joke (Version 2): Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept throughout the class. One day the teacher asked her while she was napping, “Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”

When Mary didn`t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary. Teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”  Mary didn`t even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her with the needle again. “Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary.  The teacher said, “Very good,” and Mary fell back asleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question. “What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, “If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I`ll break it in half!”  The Teacher fainted.

So guess which one of these stories I like the most?  Yep, Version 2 ‘cuz it’s the only Little Johnny joke that’s ever called me “altruistic.” Most of the times I have been referred to as a “smart-(soap word)ed” little boy. 

Here’s my question, what the hell are all of these people doing running around with needles?  Unless you’re a junkie, an uncontrollable KNITTER or someone who disassembles balloon sculptures for a living, what would you be doing carrying needles around?  In version 1, Mark had a needle; his wife Cindy had a needle on her too.  THEY WERE AT CHURCH!!! 

Let’s get to the big stuff.  If I would have fallen asleep at church, my parents would have slapped me upside the head.  If I would have not learned my lesson and fallen asleep a SECOND time at church, AFTER THE FIRST SLAP, I would have had something close to a skull fracture.  If, after one of these corrective actions, I would have yelled any profanity, like “Jesus Christ” or yelled back at my parents with anything even close to  ““IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I`M GOING TAKE IT AND BREAK IT IN HALF,” my head, neck and face would have been detached from my shoulders due to the force they with which they would have struck me.

I will admit, as and adult, I do occasionally fall asleep at church.  I sleep pretty soundly until the parents of “Little Emma” or “Little Gunnar” let their CUTE little kid run up and down the aisles ‘cuz they “just don’t know how to sit still.”  Guess why they don’t know how to sit still?  ‘Cuz when you’re at the restaurant or church, you haven’t taught them to sit still!  When I was Little Johnny and I didn’t sit still when told to, guess what happened?  Yep.. slap on the head, etc, etc.

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