Blog Archives

The Situation With “The Situation” Is Fixed

As you may know, last week, Abercrombie and Fitch clothing company has offered to pay Mike “The Situation” from the Jersey Shore TV show a fee to NOT wear their clothes!!  True or not, it’s BRILLIANT marketing, especially the fact that “Mike the Sit” now thinks he can sue Abercrombie and Fitch which makes even more PR for the clothes.  Click the photo below for the full story.

The good news is, because Mike “The Situation” has acted so much like a douche, Masengill has asked him to change his name to Mike “The Douche.”  My information tells me he is seriously considering it because, in HIS terms, (in a Jersey accent) “I know where you put a douche so that’s cool with me!”  Rumor has it that Mike “The Situation” has almost been convinced to change his name to Hans Brinker because someone told him that guy was famous for putting his finger in DIKES.. yeah, he confused “dikes” with “dykes.”

Here’s a Little Johnny joke about, well, you’ll see:

The First Grade teacher gave the class a difficult homework assignment and told them that they had to stay in class and do all of the work.  The class was disappointed about missing recess, to say the least.

In reaction to the assignment, the teacher overheard heard little Johnny say very softly, “Damn!”  The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”

Little Johnny looked at the teacher and said, “Not even when things are all SOAPWORD up ?!”

Now THAT’S a pretty funny joke, I have to admit but, here’s the REAL story (that’s why I write this blog.)   Gary Hardballs and I were in class and Gary let out one of those “I know I didn’t eat anything that smelled like that” farts.  HORRIBLE!!  The first thing that popped out of my mouth was, “DAMN!”

It was automatic because, every time my grandma would pass gas, my grandpap would say, “DAMN, girl!”  And then, if he realized I had heard him, he would say, “DAMN, D-A-M-N, that’s the word I was trying to think of for my crossword puzzle this morning!”

So, as the teacher approached me about what I said, I used a page from my grandpap’s book.  I said, “DAMN, D-A-M-N!  Gary, you won ANOTHER game of Hangman!!”  Well, Gary thought it was sooooo funny that he laughed out loud (before the days of L.O.L).  He laughed so hard that he farted again!  At that point the teacher said, “Ok, well I am glad that your game is over.  Now whomever of you it was that SHIT themselves, please take the hall pass and go clean yourself off!”

Gary ended up with 2 days of detention for acting like a “barnyard animal” in class!  Thanks for the wisdom gramps!

Little Johnny and Kate + 8 ?

Ok, so the Kate + 8 show has been cancelled.  Poor Kate is going to have to take all of that plastic surgery that turned her from average looking mom of eight kids to a plastic-filled model mom.

Looks like she will have to use those fake boobs, lips and tucks to go back and be a nurse in some hospital and try to latch herself on to an up-and-coming neurosurgeon or cardiologist.  Of course, a peditrician is probably a better choice but they don’t make the kind of money that a surgeon makes.

Well, she’ll have to be a nurse, at least, until her kids are old enough to find drugs and alchol for a few years and then need rehab.  THEN, she will be able to sell their rights to another TV show!!!   Who wouldn’t want to watch “Kate and 12 Steps of Rehab Times 8!”

In the meantime, old Kate is gonna be SOAPWORD-outta-luck now that she has to put on her own makeup!!  Here’s a Little Johnny joke about gettin’ pretty:

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother gently rubbed cold cream on her face.

“Why are you rubbing cold cream on you face, mommy?” he asked.

“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a tissue.

“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

Here’s a story about Durty Kurty that IS true!  Durty Kurty and Paul Cusick were sneaking around Paul’s mom’s makeup drawer – trying to see what all the big deal was about.  Durty Kurty dared Paul to put on some eye-liner and he did it.  Paul then dared Durty Kurty to put on some lip gloss and he did it.  Durty Kurty then dared Paul to put some rouge on his cheeks.  He did it and then dared Durty Kurty to use the eye-lash thickener and he did it.

They went back and forth getting to the point where Durty Kurty took of his shirt and put on a bra and Paul had his pants off putting on his mom’s panty hose.  By the way, they were both 14 at the time.

Well, it just so happens that Paul’s dad came home from work early and walked in on them.  He looked at them with complete HORROR — even more than the horror on THEIR faces!!!

Paul’s dad asked, “What ARE you doing?  Durty Kurty and Paul looked at him – took a breath and, Durty Kurty, never at a loss for words under pressure said, “We wanted to disguise ourselves from the police because we just robbed a bank, beat up an old man and stole a car and wrecked it into a police car.”  Paul’s dad said, “O thank God!”

Osama Bin Laden “72 Virgin” Fantasy Leauge

First, this is NOT poking fun at Muslims.  Second, it IS making fun of Osama Bin Laden.  And why not, the Son-of-a-SOAPWORD has been laughing at us for 10 years!

I am not really sure that the “72 virgin rule” is for real in the Muslim religion.  Every time I “Google” it, I get more junk information than if I would’ve search for fat naked girls.  BUT, for today, we’re playing that the “72 virgin rule” IS a reality for Osama Bin Laden AND I want you to join the Fantasy League.  Who would YOU choose as his 72 Virgin Team. (You can use live or dead people.)

My First Thoughts:

1)  My 8th Grade home room teacher, Sister Concessa (photo unavailable)

     WHY: She would not just smack his knuckles.  Her 110lb frame would kick that SOAPWORD outta him

2) CNN’s Nancy Grace

     WHY:  With how much and how loud she talks, she HAS to still be a virgin.  I don’t think she can shut-up long enough to have sex. 

3) Gaming Character, Lara Croft

     WHY: She will be able to give him the SOAPWORD-kicking the “human rights” activists on earth would not permit him to get

4) Rosanne Barr

     WHY:  You need to ask why?  Would you want to be subjected to having sex with her?

5) Tatoo Lady    (I think there’s a small tatoo in there somewhere that says, “Place Nose Here!” (Yeah, I’m gagging too!)

     WHY: Once again, rhetorical.

6) Nicole Bass (Of Howard Stern Show Fame)

      WHY:  She would squeeeeeeze his winnie to look like an old-fashioned bycicle hand grip.

I don’t think I can go on to 72, because I might gag even more.  I got the list started.  But here’s a “most wanted” type of Little Johnny joke:

Little Johnny’s class was on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board. On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, “It was so nice of you to put my daddy’s picture up there. Is he famous?”

I know you are dying to know what the real story was so here it is.  Dirty Kurty was on the school field trip to the police station.  When the cop wasn’t looking, Dirty Kurty slipped a homemade “WANTED” poster that had been mocked up with a picture of another kid from class, Jimmy Pitka. 

Jimmy was a little backward and ALWAYS had sweat on his armpits and ALWAYS wore light blue shirts.  Jimmy also had a pension for picking this skin on his lips when he got nervous.  The sweat would start, his leg would start to go up and down and THEN he’d start picking at his lips looking around as confused as Charlie Sheen in heaven.

Anyway, when the police officer came back, he started pointing things out on the bulletin board.  He didn’t notice the Jimmy Pitka picture but Jimmy did!!!  I swear, the pit sweating and leg-going-up-and-down-like-a-jackhammer thingy went from zero to full fledged panic in about 9.8 seconds.  I think I could actually HEAR his pits, like a faucet,  actively sweating.  The lip skin picking was in high gear too.  I can’t believe he had any lip left after 15 minutes – but they WERE bleeding, URGHHH!!!

As it turns out, when we moved to the next part of the tour, Dirty Kirty looked up and saw a video camera, aimed RIGHT AT where he had hung the fake poster.  Did anyone see what he did?  Durty Kurty just about threw up his entire breakfast juice box right there!  Turns out, nobody said anything, but the anxt that Dirty Kurty felt for the rest of the tour was more torture than being forced to stare at naked Lindsey Lohan photos.

Hmmm, Lindsay Lohan… another person to put in the Fantasy Virgin leauge?  Who would YOU put on Fantasay Virgin team for Bin Laden?

Mini-Joke, Elmer’s Glue

What did the Elmer’s Glue bottle say to the two pieces of construction paper?

May I JOIN you?

Watch for the NEXT Little Johnny posting this Friday.

Mini-Post of the Week, NCIS ??

If I was a military person, I would NOT want to live within 100 miles of Agent Gibbs and the NCIS team!!  Why?

Cuz 2-3 military people DIE every week in that part of the country!!!  What the “SOAPWORD?”

Last Minute Christmas Shopping Tips

RELEASING ONE DAY EARLY – THURSDAY INSTEAD OF FRIDAY – ‘CAUSE OF CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

So here are some of my last minute Christmas shopping tips:

Tip #1:

If eating at the mall food court gives ya gas, head directly to the Yankee Candle store.  Other than an alley next to a sewage plant, there’s NO BETTER place to fart.  And, if someone DOES notice your fart, just act like YOU WORK THERE and tell’em “that’s our new candle scent called, “Outhouse on a Tuna Boat!” Just for the sake of credibility, tell’em the smell makes YOU gag too!

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I’ve always wondered if the ladies that work in Yankee Candle go home and rub their husband’s crusty under drawers on their nose to re-calibrate their sense of smell.

Tip #2:

 If yer  tryin’ to decide between getting someone  a wine rack or a 25-piece dining room set, go to IKEA!  Everything’s the same basic kit there.  The only difference between an IKEA wine rack and their 25-piece dining room set is:  4 extra pieces of plastic coated cardboard, an extra baggie of self-locking thingies and 800 plastic connectors. 

AUTHOR’S NOTE: IKEA is a Swedish for, “Americans actually think we buy this SOAPWORD!”

Tip #3:

Don’t stop at those “international house of CRAP” kiosks in the center of the mall.  You know, the ones were they try to suck you into their evil web of unnecessary conversation, “Can I ask you a question?” “Can I put some cream on your hands?” or “Can I pet your hair?”  Now look, I’m not “mid-east prejudiced.”  I mean, I eat my share of humus and pitas throughout the year.  It’s just that these people are undermining the REAL economy – all of the “Made in China” stuff at the Dollar Stores!

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Some of my BEST FRIENDS are Chinese and Middle Eastern!

I also have a tip for Victoria Secret, but FIRST, here’s a Little Johnny fallacy:

The teacher asked all of the students to bring in something to illustrate what Christmas is all about.
 
 The next day, Little Sally was first. “I’ve brought a toy reindeer because Santa’s sleigh is pulled by reindeer.”
 
 Georgie  had brought a piece of a tree from his garden.”This is what Christmas trees are made of.”  Little Bruce had brought some wrapping paper.

Little Johnny at the back of the class had his hand up, snapping his fingers, saying, “Miss, Miss,” for a loooooooong time.  As a last resort the teacher calls on him. “Okay, Little Johnny, what have you brought?”

Proudly, Little Johnny produces a set of panties, which he twirls around his finger, high above his head, for all of the class to see.
 
“What are THOSE?” demands teacher, as if she didn’t know.“I can see THAT, Johnny. But what have they got to do with Christmas?”
 
“They’re girls’ panties” said Little Johnny.
 
 “They’re Carol’s.”
 
Okay, here’s what REALLY happened.  First, there was a MEAN kid named Micky Carroll in my class.  There was ALSO a girl named Carol in my class.  Carol was slightly over weight to the tune of, I think she’s not shopping at the Dress Barn this year – she’s just shoppin’ at THE barn and the only thing they have in her size is a 10-foot lasso. 

Second, I DID get caught with girl’s panties in school one year at Christmas time.  Ya see, one day before school,  I was “gift snooping” and my mom caught me.  Just before she did, I had found some lacey undies that my dad must have got her.  Too afraid to admit what I was doing I said, “I have to borrow these ‘cuz I pooped in mine.”  I put them on, pulled my sweat pants up and ran off to catch the school bus. 

When I got to school, Micky Caroll de-pants’d me!  There I was, in the middle of the cafeteria, in girls panties.  In my emotional panic, I tried to make it look like Micky set me up and yelled, “THESE PANTIES ARE CAROL’S!!” Yeah, you got it, Carol, THE GIRL, put down her 6-foot breakfast hoagie and whooped my “SOAPWORD!”  I’ve been scarred since.

Okay, now that I’m done dredging up my Christmas NIGHTMARE, one more shopping tip:

Tip #4

Don’t go to Victoria Secret and say to the staff, “You look just like my wife, can you put this on so I can see what it will look like on her?”  After about 45 minutes and 8 wardrobe changes, they start to get suspicious! 

 OK… any other last minute Christmas shopping tips?

Send your friends a gift, click on the EMAIL button below and send this to a friend.  They’ll think you’re their BESTEST friend!

Mini-Post of the Week, Painting and Mini-golf

Painting a room in your house and going mini-golfing are exactly the same for this reason:  both SOUND like a lot of fun before ya start, then ya get about halfway through it and think, “What in the SOAPWORD was I thinking?”

Chocolate Cookies and Apples and the NFL

Whoooaaaa! The NFL has fined some players for making TOO HARD of hits in a football game. 

WHAAAAAAAAAT? 

I know everyone hates those, “when we were little” statements BUT when I was Little Johnny, we played tackle football with no pads in old muddy, stump-filled fields and broken concrete school yards.  If we tore a limb off, we had our buddies duct tape and staple it back on cuz we KNEW that, if one of us went home with a torn off arm or leg, our mothers would BEAT US with it and send us to our room to “think about what we had done!!!!” 

By the way, did you see the NFL guys that were fined?  James Harrison’s so intimidating that I wouldn’t throw him the middle finger from a half-mile away if I was an Olympic sprinter.  In the meantime, the NFL Comish’ner gives the guy a $75,000 fine which is like giving Harrison TWO middle fingers, takin’ yer socks off and givin’em two middle toes too! 

NO HARD HITS in the NFL!

So all the boys will be sitting in a sports bar watchin’ the game on the big screen.  I can see it now.  INSTEAD of everyone watching some bone CRRRRUNCHING hit and yelling, “Ohhhhhhhhhhh SOAPWORD!!  Did you SOAPWORDing see that?”  they’ll all watch a play and yell things like, “Ohhhhhhhh, SOAPWORD, when I use the win probability model to evaluate 4th down decisions, I’m doing SOAPWORDing prescriptive analysis!!!! 

It’ll be like goin’ to see an Amish boxing match!  MORE BEERS PLEASE (Lots more, we’re gonna need’em!)

Here’s the weird thing, when I see the pics of James Harrison I am instantly reminded of our Catholic school principal, Sister Bartholemew.  They’re built EXACTLY the same.  Sister Bartholemew’s most intimidating feature was a wart on her chin that had so much wiry black hair stickin’ out of it that I thought she had a baby porcupine stuck to her face.   

As usual, talking about Catholic school, leads me to another Little Johnny joke which is about as Bull-SOAPWORD as the new NFL rules:

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.”

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chips cookies.

Little Johnny put a note there, “Take all you want.  God is watching the apples.”

This Little Johnny story is EASY to off.  When I was in Catholic elementary school, there was no cafeteria.  I ate my lunch out of a metal Lee Majors lunch box and matching thermos.

Here’s another thing, we feared ol’ Sister Bartholemew more than we feared the good Lord himself.  God was SUPPOSED to have a beard but Sister Bart had a better one!!  So that fact that there was a note from God on the apples meant nothing.  The fact that Sister Bartholomew guarded the apples and cookies in a Defensive Lineman stance and blew steam from her nostrils (even on hot days) was REAL the intimidating factor. 

Finally, I do admit to taking about 10 cookies one day during school snack time.  The fact is, I didn’t get to eat all of cookies that day so I put them in my pants pockets.  Guess where those chocolate chips ended up?  Yep, my mom’s washer and dryer.  Guess what my punishment was?  She ripped one of my limbs off, beat me with it and then sent me to my room to think about what I had done.

 BTW, credit to the Little Johnny joke this week goes to: E-Forwards.com

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Little Johnny Wants a Bike

So a bunch of popular toys were recalled this week.  Toys made by the famous manufacturer we all grew up with and trusted, Fisher Price.  

Seven million Fisher Price trikes were recalled ‘cuz A child can strike, sit or fall on the protruding plastic ignition key resulting in serious injury, including genital bleeding.”  Wait, do you know how many times, as a young boy, that my foot slipped off the pedal of my bicycle causing my GENITALS to bang up against that “SOAP WORDing” bar between the seat and the handle bars?  No recall there!  Before I was 14 I had more CRUSHED NUTS than a Snickers Bar maker!

Here’s another one: millions of infant toys are being recalled by Fisher Price for being a “choking hazard.”  This recall includes some type of inflatable balls.  (Insert Beavis and Butthead laugh here ‘cuz I just said BALLS.)

It seems that kids’ toys are recalled almost as much as American made cars.  And it’s always something that is “potentially tragic” like 6 kids hurt their genitalia on a trike.  Six kids out of multi-millions of kids in the United States scraped their “pee-pees” on this thing and we recall MILLIONS of toys? 

How in the world do we fix this terribly tragic situation of dangerous toys injuring our kids and needing to be recalled?  I’ve got it!!!  Have the manufacturers of the sex toys make KIDS TOYS!! 

Face it, when is the last time you heard one of Doc Johnson’s “toys” being recalled and how many of them do you think come in contact with one’s genitalia?    And how many sex toys, inflatable balls and all, have EVER been accused of being a CHOKING HAZARD despite their intended use?  I guess it all depends on the talents of the individual user!  I’m thinkin’ sex toy makers have the whole safety thing nailed!

And speaking of bikes, here’s a TOTAL FALSEHOOD about Little Johnny:

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

Point #1: My parents never divorced.  As you know from previous writings, we were Catholic – old fashioned Catholic- and the minute my parents would have THOUGHT about a divorce, A TRUE EXPERT IN MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIPS (a Catholic Priest) would have talked them out of it for the good of the church.  (In full disclosure, my parents were happy). 

Point #2: In the neighborhood I grew up in, when you wanted a bike and didn’t have one, YOU SIMPLY STOLE ONE!!!  However, if you’re caught masturbating by your parents, using the excuse that you were doing it “to get a bike” is a GREAT way to distract them from the fact that they just caught ya yankin’ on yerself!  They will probably be totally FREAKED that you really thought you could get a bike this way.  WRITER’S NOTE: for adult males, getting caught masturbating by your significant other to get a new motorcycle will NOT work.  However, attention adult females, if you get caught “diddling with your middle” by your husbands, you’ll probably get ANYTHING you want!!! (Including a date with the BIKER below.)

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If you’re new, click here to see previous post about my friend Dirty Kurty!

Little Johnny and Facebook!

So I’m out with some friends who take a few pictures on their phone while we’re being stupid.  By the next day I’m “tagged” in a Facebook page.  Whatever happened to those BLACK BARS that got put over people’s faces in embarrassing photos years ago.  Should that be an option on Facebook photos?

I dig the whole Facebook thing.  As a matter of fact, you can join the “Fans of I am Little Johnny Group.”   But when Facebook  overtakes your life and substitutes for regular communication between you and the world, you may need a psych consult. When you feel that the only way to berate your significant other, your boss, your kids OR YOUR PET is to post that thought on Facebook, you’ve got issues waaaaaaaay past the standard Charlie Sheen Psychological Evaluation Counseling Package!!

Remember hanging out in bars when they turned the lights on at 2am?  At the 2am BIG REVEAL you could actually SEE what the person you’ve been talking to all night REALLY looked like.  Remember the HORROR and lump in your gut you felt most times when the lights came on? In some cases you would pretend faint, force yourself to violently vomit or even fake a seizure just to put distance between you and the “revealed beast” knowing, full well,  that you would probably never see that person again.

So now with Facebook, you “FRIEND” a new person or, even worse, a long lost friend that you haven’t seen in years.  You talk nice-ies and maybe some sex-ies and do the whole verbal footsie thing for a little bit.  And despite the fact that the other person has  a picture of their cat or their car, or even worse, a super hero action figure as their profile picture,  you make arrangements to meet face-to-face.   Just like the 2am reveal!  OOOOPS!!  Now you KNOW why they are on Facebook so much and NOT out meeting real people!!!!!  The bad news is ya can’t fake a seizure cuz it won’t matter, they know how to keep IM’ing ya via Facebook!!!

If you’re an adult who’s Facebook status is “uggh, what a day” or “headed to the store” or your Farmville status is updated 11 times in 24 hours, you  probably need to consider the need to purchase a spouse from overseas via the internet !!! Just to for some social diversity. 

If Facebook is having techinal issues and you post, “What is wrong with Facebook today?”  who in the SOAPWORD do you think is going to see it and respond?  You’re now talking to a VIRTUAL wall, in public AND documenting it!!!!  

I like Facebook but there’s a lot of stupid spilled on it every day.  Speaking of stupid stuff, check out this Little Johnny joke:

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Johnny stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, “Johnny, do you really think you’re stupid?”

“No,” Johnny said. “But I didn’t want you standing up there alone.”

As you know from previous postings I had nuns for teachers in elementary school.  Had I ever insinuated that a nun was STUPID I would have had scars that would horrify Dr. Cyril Wecht!  By the way, I WAS pretty stupid in grade school.  In 4th grade I was still trying to memorize the primary color wheel, mastering the art of picking my nose with that sneaky- thumb-sidescrape maneuver and swiping the boogers on the underside of my desktop.

Meantime, there’s Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook inventor, that’s been looking at the whole world as 1’s and 0’s since he got bored playing with the mobile above his crib.  I’m thinking HE is the kind of guy that would tell a 4th grade teacher he or she was stupid AND be able to prove it, logrhythmically of course.

By they way, WHO do you believe in the debate of who really started Facebook?  The geeky, withdrawn, red-haired, socially retarded Mark Zuckerberg OR the two studly, movie life-guard lookin’ Winklevoss twins that just wiggled their way into MILLIONS of dollars?

My thouughts?  Somone named in the previous sentence needed to invent SOME way of getting dates and it ain’t the twin stud-muffins!!!

Your thoughts? Email me: IamLittleJohnny@comcast.net

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