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Top Party School Report For Little Johnny – DISTURBING!

As my son, “Little-er Johnny” who is ALSO now all-grown-up, gets ready to head off to his freshman year of college, reading the Top Party School Report is quite disturbing.  Will his $175 book be a learning tool or a forehead pillow as he’s passed out in class?  Will the food swipe card be how he replenished nutrients of his tired, studied-so-hard body or will it be his late-night-after-drinking MUNCHIE bank?  Will he remember what soap and a haircut and a razor is?

From my perspective, I was disappointed that my alma mater was NOT  listed on the party list.  I can testify that it was #1 when I was there.  For 18  loooooooooooooong months I worked on my MBA day and night at Kaplan ON-LINE University.  From my perspective, this was the #1 party school because I am pretty sure that I drank EVERY NIGHT working on my papers and interacting with my class mates in chat rooms.  It was no different than regularl college – I sat around in my underwear, scrathing myself as needed with a cold something or other to drink. 

The Kaplan fraternity parties sucked however..they were just chat rooms where we posted pictures of ourselves in togas holding a beer.  My kids were perplexed that nights we had parties. They couldn’t understand why I was in front of my laptop in a toga and spilling beer on my own head.  Mrs. Little Johnny was peeved when I peed in the front yard in the middle of the night. 

One thing I know is that “Little-er Johnny” is gonna get an education on his Greyhound Bus ride back and forth to school – how the other half lives as one might say.  Hmmmmm.  Just hope he doesn’t meet his future wife on that bus!  In the meantime, here’s a story about Little Johnny on a bus ride.

Little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
Little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father.’

Little Johnny replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.’The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father of many.’

Little Johnny said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way! ‘The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’, and went back to reading his book.

Little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.”

Well, there are LOTS of anecdotes as to why priests should wear condoms but the story above is NOT what really happened.  The REAL story is, me and Dirty Kurty were on a bus going to a summer church camp.  It was the first time we had been on a big tour bus – we were in our teens and devious.  We sat next to the priest on the bus cuz he was in charge of assigning the dorms and we always wanted the one CLOSEST TO THE CAFETERIA so we could sneak over to break into the camp fridges for midnight snacks.

Well, we over indulged one night.  The next day we headed home on the bus and, you know from the previous Dirty Kurty posts, he suffered from irritable bowel issues.  As soon as the bus started for home, the priest addressed everyone about there being a break-in at the camp cafeteria.  The tension of potentially being caught mixed with the late night snacks put Dirty Kurty’s bowels in HIGH GEAR!   He started releasing silent-but-deadlies! 

The bus started to smell and the priest looked at Sally, who was sitting behind Dirty Kurty and said, “Sally, get over here right NOW and sit next to me!”  Dirty Kurty and I thought, “uhhhh he blamed Sally for the gas!” 

Dirty Kurty’s issues continued and the priest broke his speech again and yelled at Milktoast Dave, who was sitting across the aisle from Dirty Kurty, and said, “David, get over here right NOW!!!”  and he made David sit near Sally.  Again we thought PERFECT!!!  The priest think Dave and Sally are farting!

As Dirty Kurty continued to let out stinky sliders, the priest finally yelled, “OK EVERYONE move away from Kurt because if he is actually CRAPPING himself, I don’t want you to get any on your shoes!!!”

See ya Tuesday for a mini-post… make sure you email this to your friends!

Today’s Little Johnny Joke from the Beer Army website.

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