I am NOT a Witch! And neither is the baby with no ears!

I am NOT A WITCH!  Ok.  Maybe not, but your kinda CREEPY just thinkin’ ya had tell us that.  But maybe you’re on to a new age political campaign strategy.

All politicians and wanna-bees take notice from Christine O’Donnell. 

Instead of showing fuzzy, scandalous photos of your opponent with their eyes bulging out of their head or telling people your opponent isn’t qualified to hold an office cuz he once used his bicycle to run over a picture of Jesus when he was 7 years old, simply list the things you’re NOT!!! 

Most famous one.. “I am NOT A CROOK!”  

“I am NOT an outerspace alien.”

“I am NOT the “yoko ono type person” that my husband’s softball buddies think I am.”

“I am NOT someone who leaves the toilet paper roll on the holder with 2 squares left on it.” (Of which one of ’em is firmly glued to the cardboard!)

And the MOST HANIS, “I am NOT that girl from 9^th grade that everyone said had venereal warts, HONEST!”

My whole adult life I’ve been telling everyone “I’m little Johnny but I’m NOT a bad kid.”  But the joke below doesn’t help:

Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When the mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad mentioned that if he so much as hinted anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the spanking of his life. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.” The new mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnny.”

Johnny said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes.” “Can he see?” asked Little Johnny.

“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”

“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “cuz he’d be in trouble if he needed SOAPWORDing glasses!”

The story is PARTIALLY correct.  Anytime we entered a potentially volatile situation, my dad would threaten me within inches of my life, not just a spanking.  His warning was accompanied with a rip and twist of the shorthairs on the back of my neck.  Yep, I had a reason to cry before getting anywhere!  

Here’s how I can prove that this story is NOT true.  I was 13 when this happened.  Our neighbor lady was so hot that my dad would run the mower over our lawn every day when she was laying out at her pool.  Our grass was so short that he had to tell my mom he was trying to make his own putting green.  By mid-July he was mowin’ DIRT!

So I was 13, with a hot-mom neighbor who just had a baby.  Like any other 13 year-old male, I had ZERO interest in that baby. All I was worried about was catchin’ a glimpse of those post-partum BREASTICLES.  Hell, with the size of those things and her tight blouse, I didn’t even notice if the MOM had ears!!!!  Finally, that day we visited, I don’t remember one thing that happened after I overheard the hot-mom say something to my dad about “breast feeding.”  I passed out cold!! 

By the way, I can’t wait until Election Day is over so we can go back to watching high-integrity/high entertainment TV commercials like those from the local car dealers  – the ones where they ride donkeys, pop balloons, scream and stomp like crazed maniacs and act like jackasses as they display their lack of self-worth just to hock some cars.

As they say in texting.. c-ya!